Sunday, November 7, 2010
Well, now that I'm all alone, I'm bored. I'm looking forward to coming home for Christmas. Although I hope traveling with her isn't a nightmare. I don't want to be "that person" on the plane with a screaming baby. Hopefully she is good and sleeps. I'll be home for a month. That will be nice. Two more weeks of school here and then we get a week off for Thanksgiving. Then after that it's only one more week of classes and then we have finals! I can't believe I'm only a month away from finishing my first semester.
I've made a lot of good friends. So I'm not totally alone. But people have their own lives...
I'm just so looking forward to having my husband back for good and not having anyone take him away ever again! Then we're back to California!
Here are some pictures of Laney at 7 weeks.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Laney will be 7 weeks on Thursday, and I just can't believe how much she's grown. She's entering that happy baby phase where she smiles and laughs at everything. She loves to have her pants and diapers off and have a naked butt... She thinks that's sooo funny. It breaks my heart that David is missing this. The first few weeks when he was still here, she didn't do much but sleep and poop and eat, and eat, and eat... and he got a little irritated with her neediness. He kept saying, "I can't wait unit she's a little bit older and has a personality and actually does stuff."
I'm really kind of nervous about how my school work is going to go now. Before, when my mom was here, I could just ignore Lane and know that my mom was watching her, or could console her. Now I actually have to pay attention! LOL. I've been practicing this past week by getting up with her 100% through the night. I figure I'm going to have to do it on my own anyhow, might as well get used to it.
So far I feel like school is going really well. We are registering for next semester this week. And of course my registration time happens to fall right at the time that I will be driving my mom to the airport. SIGH. I'm worried that I'm not going to get a good schedule. There are limited seats in some of the classes, mainly the clinical day, and if you don't get the one you want then you end up driving to Egypt or somewhere, which I just can't deal with. That or get stuck with an evening clinical, which I can't do because of child care. Needless to say, I'm a bit nervous I'm not going to like what I get. We'll see. I hope it all works out.
I haven't really been hearing much from David. Which I don't like, but can't do much about. The only good news is that I'm pretty busy here with school and Laney, so I don't think about it constantly. He hasn't gotten the internet set up yet in his room, and that is the biggest barrier to our communication right now. He's transitioning in, and getting trained by the guy he is relieving. He feels like the guys that trained him how to do his job before had it all wrong and so he is now re-learning everything.
It's started to get really cold here. 24 this morning! I'm not looking forward to the snow. Mostly because I have to bundle up a baby, and lug a 30+ pound car seat back and forth to the car everyday. I'm hoping the snow levels aren't too high that I don't have to shovel or get plowed out everyday. The neighbors across the street said it doesn't snow as much here as in Carthage (the town we lived in the first time I came out here), so that made me feel a lot better. Plus, our driveway is pretty close to the road, so even if I did have to shovel, I wouldn't have to go very far.
OK. well that's what's new. Here's a picture of the munchkin.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Breastfeeding was treacherous the first 3 weeks. My nipples cracked and bled, and every time she latched it hurt so bad for the first 30 seconds I thought for sure I couldn't endure much more. But my the end of the first month, things are much better, and it doesn't hurt when she latches on at all. It's like that movie "Four Christmases" and the sister in law that says her nipples are so numb that she can't feel a thing anymore- "Go ahead, flick it". Let's just say, that as I'm typing this, she is propped up on the Boppy pillow, and breast feeding. Look mom, no hands!
Speaking of mother's, mine is here visiting and being such a wonderful help, I don't know what I'll do when she's gone. I haven't done laundry or dishes in over a month. LOL. I'M SPOILED. She's been here for 3 weeks and has been absolutely wonderful! She'll get up in the middle of the night to help feed or rock Laney, especially if I have school the next day.
School! Well, that has been going wonderfully. I was really nervous about being the only "non-traditional" student, but turns at that about 50% of my class seems to be "non-traditional" (which means anyone that is not 18 and right out of High School). I've made a few really great friends, and classes are going really well. Up until last week I was keeping an A average in all of my classes (now I'm down to a B in Fundamentals- oh well). I really thought this program would be harder than it is, but the pace has been nice and easy, and I seem to be keeping on top of everything without a problem. We'll see how it goes when my mom leaves and I have to start cleaning my own house again. She leaves in two more weeks. *sigh*
I'll devote my next blog to my crazy college teachers, as that is an entire subject on it's own. LOL.
David deployed this last week. By now he's most likely made it to Afghanistan. It is what it is. I hate that he's gone and has to miss an entire year of our daughters life. The first year at that! But odds are she wont really remember anyway. She looks just like him, and that makes it weird for me. Little mini David. I try not to worry about his safety. It's just how I cope. I ignore that he's in a dangerous place and that things could go drastically wrong. Why worry? It's just not good for my mental health. I feel like the time is going to fly by very quickly because I'm in school. I really love living in Canton so much better. I think it's because I have something to do. Something to focus on and a way to better myself and contribute to society. I'm not just sitting at home watching TV and getting fat and hating being here.
David and I are really looking forward to getting back to California. We're dreaming up all of the remodel projects we want to do to the house (mostly because DIY network is on non-stop in our house). I'm nervous about the finances of it all when we are no longer employed by the US Government. My goal is to save up a nice little nest egg over this next year, so that we have money to fall back on when it comes time to move home and finds jobs. I'm hoping with my nursing license that I'll be able to find a job easily, but we'll see. The plan is that I will work and David will go to school full time and watch the kid(s) (and no, I'm not pregnant again, but we'll have more some day!). He's started an online college program and hopes to get as much of his AA out of the way as possible while on this deployment. He thinks he can finish a two year degree in one year, but I know better than that. He's only signed up for two classes this first semester (or maybe he's on the quarter system, I'm not sure). At that rate, he'll take 5 years to finish! LOL. We'll see. I'm excited that he's starting. He's such a smart guy, and he never really finished High School (dropped out his Sophomore year and got his GED). And now that he's more mature, he's willing to actually sit and learn, and I know he'll just soak it all up!
Ok, so I have a fussy baby that I'm ignoring, so I'd better get to that (grandma is consoling her, but I've got to get used to the idea that grandma is not always going to be here).
Monday, August 9, 2010
We spent the weekend in Syracuse to celebrate our 2 year anniversary. A month and a half late, and not the Niagara Falls trip I had hoped it would be, but better than nothing at all.
Friday we spent the afternoon buying David his new Dual Sport Kawasaki Motorcycle. This will be his new commuter vehicle for when we move to Canton, and will a) save us a lot of money and b) allow me to have a vehicle to get to school. He's happy with it, and that makes me happy.
Saturday we bought the car seat from Babies R Us- who refused to give us the 10% discount we were owed as it was an item that remained on our registry- as we didn't have the coupon. Whatever. Bastards.
Now I feel like we are really ready for this baby. Ok, well, once we move and I get to unpack everything, then I will feel ready for this baby.
After baby shopping we had massages and then headed back up to home.
I'm slowly working my way through packing this house up. I do a little bit every day and try not to wear myself out. It's getting more and more difficult to do things. Particularly move around. LOL. Laney is getting BIG in my belly. My belly however doesn't seem to be growing much, so things seem "tight" in there. SIGH. What can ya do. 6 weeks to go. Can't wait to meet this little one.
Sunday David decided to take me on a picnic. I knew right away that he was planning to give me that little black box (and let's face it, if he didn't I most likely would have cried and felt under appreciated given all the planning and gifts that I gave to him to try and make our anniversary special). I suggested we go fishing as well. New York is not the best for fishing. We found a lake near where we live, but without a boat fishing is impossible as the lake shores are all marsh. So we found another lake. Same problem. So we tried the river. Sat there for about 20 minutes, caught a few weeds, and then gave up. I suggested we go back to the house and fish from the creek that is near there, as there is a nice fishing platform, and no marsh and no weeds. We fished for a few minutes (fishing is so boring). I caught a tree (opposite shore- oops, I'm stronger than I thought I was). David gave me my little black box and apologized for the setting not being as romantic as he had hoped.
I love these moments. Getting to be with him, and doing nothing at all. I'm a lucky woman.
So on that note, things are well. We move on Saturday. Our current apartment manager is being a jerk about us breaking the lease. We need official deployment orders in order to get out of this lease (which we don't have yet). And if we don't get those by August 31, we are responsible for rent for September-November (unless someone else rents the place). Needless to say we can't afford that, and I'm really not happy about it. David is working on a temporary fix by getting a signed letter from his commander, but at the end of the month we really need those official orders. Everybody's out to make a buck.
The new landlord is letting me paint over some of the wallpaper, and I've already done our new master bedroom. It looks 100x better than it did, and once the new carpet goes in this week it will be even better!
When they come to install carpet this week, I'll paint Delaney's room while I'm there waiting. We decided to go with a sky blue color, as the walls have some oak paneling and the floor is oak and I thought yellow would just be too much. I can't wait to get that done and get all of her furniture and bedding and decorations put together!
School starts in 2 weeks. I was starting to get nervous, but now that mandatory orientation is over, I'm not really that nervous anymore. I still need to get my books, and get cleared (physically) for clinical. But all of that is in the works.
Until next time! Here is David on his new bike!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Things here are progressing. I'm getting bigger and the baby is doing well. No complications to speak of. I failed my first fasting blood sugar (1 hour) test and had to come back in for the 3 hour glucose test. I did that on Thursday, and have not heard from the Dr's office yet, so I'm assuming no news is good news. I'll be really shocked if I have gestational diabetes. I doubt that I do. Other than that, she is moving around more frequently and it's nice to feel that. I just can't wait to meet her, and wish that David had more time with her before he leaves. We have no dates yet on when he is scheduled to leave, but all we know is that it is sometime in October. Let's pray it's late October and not early.
We've found a place to live in Canton, only 5 miles from the campus. I'm really excited about it, and we got to look at it for the first time yesterday. It's a big house, with 4 bedrooms and some land to maintain (mowing in the summer, plowing the short driveway in the winter). I'm looking forward to letting the dogs run around and not having to pick up dog poop anymore. The new landlord is very sweet. The house belonged to her parents, and she couldn't bring herself to sell it when they passed. She lives in Maine, and is worried sick over the fact that I'm going to be "all alone in the middle of nowhere for a year" while David is deployed. I told her that I'm a tough girl and she shouldn't worry about it.
After talking with the current tenants yesterday, I am starting to get a little worried that I'm taking on too much with this house. It's really better than the alternatives, which are living in an apartment, or cramming into a two bedroom house that is 30 minutes from campus. We have no lawn mower, and so I'll need to figure that out. I'm hoping to hire someone to do it for me, but if that doesn't work out, we'll have to buy a ride-able mower (too much land to just use a push mower) and either sell it before we move home, or haul it back to California with us.
I have time to work out the snow plow and the baby sitter. The tenants said it snows a lot in Canton and that the winters are cold. This house seems like it is going to be expensive to heat as well, so I'll have to worry about either hauling in a lot of wood daily/weekly and keeping the wood burning stoves going, or paying an expensive oil bill (forced heat). I'm sure it will work itself out. Normally I wouldn't fret so much, but once David is gone, it'll be just Laney and I, and I worry that leaving her alone for 30 minutes while I schlep wood is not safe. We'll see how that works out.
David had to pack one of his small containers to go on the boat that will be taking most of their gear over to Afghanistan last night. It really hit me hard. It's too early to be thinking about the deployment! Then he says that his commander was reminding them that they only have 90 days left before the deployment! 90 days! That's nothing! He was trying to tell me that as a way of saying 'don't worry honey, that's a long time'- but in my mind it had the opposite effect. 90 days is going to fly by, and I am really dreading him leaving.
The only good news is that this is his last deployment. After this, he is home for good and we are out of the Army and no one has to dictate to us where to be and when. I'm really looking forward to that.
We move in 3 weeks. I'm not looking forward to it, mostly because I can't really help much. We meet with the landlord next weekend to sign the lease. I'm hoping I can talk her into letting me take down some of the really dated wall paper upstairs and paint some neutral colors. All 4 rooms upstairs have really bad wallpaper, and I'm dreading living in them for 2 years. Plus with wallpaper you can't really hang pictures. Who likes wall paper anyway? It's so awful.
I am looking forward to setting up Laney's room and finally getting to put away all of the wonderful baby gifts I've received so far. So far our theme for her room is jungle with greens and yellows, but unfortunately the wall paper in her room is pink floral (I know, right?), so we'll have to see if we can work with that.
The good news about this house is that the 4 bedrooms allows us to have a guestroom, so anyone can visit anytime they want!
Nursing school starts in a month. I'm not really worried about it just yet. I'm hoping it's going to be an easy semester with only 8 units. Plus, I'm looking forward to getting back to the gym once the baby is born and losing some of this baby fat (campus has a gym I can use). I know, I know...
I have most of what I need for school. Orientation is next week. That should be fun. Be old fat pregnant lady wandering around a campus full of 18 year old's, wondering what in the heck I'm doing there... Still need to pay tuition (military financial assistance program will pay for first $6k, and I'm hoping that goes through without a hitch) and buy books.
David and I will go to Syracuse in two weeks to buy the rest of the baby gear (car seat) and also buy his motorcycle. Scary!
Things, they are a changin'...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
So David's argument is that he has to commute to work for 2 months before deployment, and doesn't want to travel 2 hours a day. His solution is that we live just outside of Canton, a bit closer to the base. The only problem with this solution, is that there really isn't anything just outside Canton, closer to base. The next closest town is 18 minutes (DeKalb- not a lot there), then 30 minutes (Gouverneur, a bit bigger than where we live now with more housing options)...
I am frustrated because he is not willing to sacrifice commuting 2 hours a day for 2 months so that I don't have to commute more than 10 minutes for the year he is gone (we're not going to move twice).
The second problem is apartment living versus home living. We now live in a 4-plex that is housed in a large community. Rules, Rules, Rules. No privacy. No private yard. I've been spoiled by land these last few years. First with my property in Placerville, then with the house we rented in Carthage, NY. It's a blessing to be able to open a door, let your dogs out, and not worry about 1) them getting hit by a car 2) other people/dogs to attack 3) not having to pick up feces either at all or right away... Here they are on the leash, or on the shock collar all the time, and I've got a poop bag in hand ready to pick it up at any given moment. Not to mention Caleb and Chewy are always the tough guys when it comes to other people and other dogs around. Then I look like an asshole with mean dogs that are not leashed. *sigh*
My point being, I'd love to rent a HOUSE near Canton. Something with our own yard and some privacy. Especially once the baby comes, I don't want to have to worry about toting a baby and two dogs (Chewy get's to stay in California for the next 2 years! Thanks mom!). The problem is, I'm not finding anything on Craigslist or in the local newspapers that isn't an apartment. Plus we don't want to move until August- so it's a bit early to be searching anyways. But, I'm trying to answer questions that can't be answered just yet, and it's all very frustrating.
My tenants in Placerville just gave me notice, which means if I don't find renters for that house then we are going to be seriously strapped for money come the fall. David is all concerned about how are we going to pay rent and a mortgage and childcare, etc. Plus we only have one vehicle, so once I start school, and he's still here- we're going to need a second mode of transportation. The plan was to get a motorcycle for him to commute on- but now with my tenants moving out, I have to use all of the money we've saved over the last few months to pay them back their deposit, replace the carpet, and now pay the mortgage. This leaves no money for a motorcycle, and no clue as to how we're going to solve that problem.
I'm confident that everything will work out. I know that sounds really optimistic, but I can't sit here and worry about things I can't control. I'm hopeful that I'll find a renter quickly, and that we wont have to supplement that mortgage. This will solve most of the problems.
I've also looked at google maps and towns closer to base. The next closest town from Canton with housing options is Gouverneur. Which would be a 30 minute commute to college for me. Not terrible. I may be willing to sacrifice living in Canton and having a 5 minute commute for my husbands convenience for a few months. We'll see. Plus we know a couple that lives in Gouverneur, so maybe David can carpool those two months? Hrmmmm...
We'll just have to see how things work out.
I'm getting ready to drive to California this weekend. I leave on Sunday morning, head to Sandusky, Ohio. Stay the night there and then head to Des Moines, Iowa where I'll stay with my friend Liz for a night. Then I pick up Anne and we start the journey homeward! I'm grateful that Anne just happens to be visiting friends in Iowa that weekend, and is willing to take an extra week off to help me make the journey with 3 dogs and a cat. Normally I wouldn't complain, but I am nervous about driving for 10+ hours a day being 6 months pregnant. This week my back has decided that it doesn't really know how to handle my growing belly and thus is making it incredibly difficult for me to sleep/move/sit up/bend/turn/etc. I'm hoping that come Sunday it is feeling better than it has been these last few days.
It's frustrating not being able to do things I'm normally capable of- like pick up things that weigh more than 25 lbs. I'm praying that my property in Placerville doesn't have a lot of work that needs to be done, as I'm going to need a lot of help doing it! (For example, I am going to replace the carpet downstairs, but want to rip out the old and paint the plywood underneath with a stain and odor sealant before the carpet is installed. This means I have to rip out the old carpet and pad myself and get it painted/dry before the carpet installers come. Normally, not a big deal. But 6 months prego and I'm gonna need help pulling and yanking out carpet, cutting it up, loading it into a truck and hauling to the dump... So anyone that wants to help me do this on Sunday, June 13th, please let me know! lol)
Well, that being said, I guess it's time to go waterproof the tent and rain-fly before it gets too hot here.
Oh, and anyone that wants to come to NY between October 1-15th to help watch the baby while David is at work and I'm in school would be awesome. Just something to think about. Really we only need help Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday those two weeks, so you wouldn't have to come the whole time. ;) David's paternity leave will most likely only get us up through Oct 1st, and my mom doesn't come out until October 15th, so we have a bit of a situation there in between.... *sigh*
Until next time!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Even though I thought I killed the pessimist weeks ago, I guess I didn't, because these last few days have been filled with "what if something is wrong". I'm still not feeling any movement, and this still scares the heck out of me. Having to go a month without seeing your baby move on the monitor is torture. I had no idea if "baby" was still thriving in there. So you brain starts to work overtime. I just kept having images of us in the ultrasound and either a) the baby is not moving at all, or b) something is not where it's supposed to be- like it's organs on the outside or something!
So I slept, or rather didn't sleep, on the couch. David ignored my tantrum, which in hindsight is the last thing he should have done and the last thing I needed was to be ignored. And this am, I just lost it. Sobbed and sobbed. Couldn't hold it together. I was a total mess. And I knew I needed to calm down, I knew the stress is bad for the baby. But I couldn't even breath!
But once we were in that room, and within 3 seconds of that wand going onto my stomach, I could see that baby moving, and all of it went away. The first thing I said was, "Man, I wish we could get one of these for the house, I'd do this every day!" Perhaps I should just invest in one of those heart monitors (you can actually hear the baby's heart beat for like $50 for the little machine- but I have no idea how well they work).
This week the baby is the length of a banana and nearly 6 ounces. We're officially at the half way mark. Everything is where it's supposed to be. And it's a GIRL!
I jinxed it this morning by saying that I hope it's a boy so that I can have a little version of David to love while he is gone this next year. I guess it will still be a little version of David, just minus a few parts, and plus a few others.
I'm petrified of having to do this first year on my own. I hate this place, and feel so lonely all of the time. All I have here is David, and knowing that he is leaving and I will be stuck here is slowly eating away at me. I know I should suck it up, but it's easier to deal with a deployment when you have your mom near by, or friends to distract you. Here I just have the dogs and Sophie (whose newest fascination is her own reflection in pictures- such a weirdo). I know that school will bring an added distraction, and I am looking forward to that, and hopefully the friends I will make. Let's just pray they are not all 18 year old kids (the college is really geared toward new HS grads).
I fill my days with plans for the future. I live my life from one goal to the next. It helps me get by. It's what I need to do. Less than a month to go and I'll be on my way to California. I can't wait to spend my days lounging in the Yount's pool, having lunch with friends, and shopping. Then the baby will come, David will leave, my mom will come and stay for a month. Then before I know it, it will be Christmas time, and I'll be home again. I've decided that I'll most likely spend a month at home for Christmas, and then once the spring semester is over I'll spend the entire summer home. No point in being in NY alone for 3 empty months. Then once my fall semester starts up, it will only be 2 short months until David is home and his Army career will be coming to an end. I can see the end in sight! We'll be home for good before we know it!
I should finish school in June of 2012 (yikes, sounds like forever when you see the number). Then we're homeward bound. I really can't wait to be back in my house. David and I have been dreaming up all kinds of remodel projects to do on it. And he'll get to start school and I'll land some cushy nursing job, and all will be well.
And then they lived happily ever after. Just got to hang on and keep moving. One day at a time.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
When I am home all day and jobless, and all I have to do is plan dinner, I tend to want to control things to make myself feel like I am actually doing something with my life. Then, it was mostly the dogs. Kate began her weird obsession with not wanting to walk on the grass. This makes going to the bathroom when you are a dog extremely difficult. This made me angry beyond belief. Then I would get angry at David for not wanting to eat what I had prepared for dinner. Vegetables, or black beans, or lasagna with ricotta cheese (which apparently is gross). Today it was not wanting to use the brand new omlette pan that I bought him (because his first attempt to use it last weekend failed when he didn't follow the directions and spray it with PAM and the eggs burnt and stuck to the pan. Which now he's convinced will happen every time- OR he could turn the heat down and spray it with PAM- which amazingly worked just fine this am).
Once I determined the source of my anger, I worked really hard on overcoming it. Started counting to 10 a lot and saying "don't get angry over something you can't control". Became my new mantra.
Yet here I am again, jobless and home all of the time and I find myself getting angry. This time mostly at David. I can't help but feel like his brain has permanently turned itself off. I'm really concerned that either a) he just doesn't care, or b) his attention span is that of a 3 year olds (unless he is looking you in the eye, he is not listening).
I tell him something, and then the next day he'll ask me a question regarding that topic- with honestly no idea what the answer is (even though I've told him all about it the day before). This spans from simple things like what are we having for dinner tonight, to complex things like when I have to register for college. It is extremely frustrating to have a partner that you feel like has no interest in anything you are saying.
It doesn't help that I am home all day, and have nothing to do but think up things to do or say or dream about, then to share them with my husband when he walks through the door. It's incredibly offensive when the next day or the next week, he has no idea what I'm talking about.
So I get angry. Lately every time he asks me something I've already told him, I just start yelling at him. It's not healthy for our relationship, and I don't like the road it is taking us down. I really don't know what else to do about it, other than tell him how offensive it is that his memory is this horrible. Does he have any control over his memory? We joke that he needs ginko biloba- but he would most likely forget to take it. It feels so lonely when all you have is your partner (no real friends here to complain to, or go out with)- and you don't really feel like they are listening.
I know if I had a job, and felt like I was contributing to the world in some way, then I wouldn't focus so much on these types of things. So partly, I am to blame here. It's too bad that nursing school will start just as David deploys and I will be left to fend for myself with a new baby. I know I'll thrive with things to juggle. And oddly I'm looking forward to that (yes, I know I'm crazy- but you try sitting around at home for months on end- you'd welcome something to do too!).
Counting to 10 is not going to work with David's memory problems. I'm really going to have to sit down with him and tell him that this upsets me. I don't know how to solve this, and his response of "I can't help it if my memory is bad" is not going to cut it.
*sigh* Everything will be all right.
Monday, April 19, 2010
But after the boys were out gallivanting all day (and scavengering through people's curbside trash I later learned!) they informed me on their way home that the diner was closed.
I hate this place. NOTHING is open on weekends. It's absolutely ridiculous. Not to mention frustrating.
So David suggests we head over to Theresa, the town next to ours to see if they have a diner. I tell him, and listen, because this is the important part of the story, "Go look up something on the internet, I don't want to drive around aimlessly forever looking for a diner or something that's open."
So he runs upstairs, comes back down 2 minutes later, and says, "ok, found something" and we head out.
Side story: our GPS sucks. Unless you have an actual address of where you are going it is totally useless. Even then it tends to lead us a stray. So here is David using the "points of interest" section of our GPS. Which is basically a tool to list all restaurants near 'current position' or 'near town'. Had I known this was his plan I would have smacked him in the forehead.
The GPS takes us to a bowling alley. There is no "Perry's Diner". I refuse to eat at McGinney's Pub (David is trying to lose weight, bar food is not on the agenda).
So here we are in Theresa, driving around aimlessly. "Let's try this way" (er- down this residential street? What, are we going to knock on someone's door and ask to join them for dinner?).
I become increasing more angry with each street we drive down. "Let's go home", I say.
So my question is, why don't they listen? What part of "I don't want to drive around aimlessly" didn't he get?
Really this is my fault for not giving more detailed directions. When I said go upstairs and Google some restaurants, I also should have said 'and call them to see if they are open- or look for a web page with business hours'.
Sometimes I am a control freak for a reason.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
So David and I haven't been having a whole lot of sex. I'm pregnant, what can I say. Although he is disappointed because his buddy Dan told him that his wife was a hornball in the second trimester, and David was like "Yeah! Can't wait!"...
I keep telling him if he came home at 2 in the afternoon then we'd be ON! But by 8 or 9pm all I want to do is sleep.
So last Saturday David had to go to a 24 hour duty, but planned to come home for dinner (taco casserole, his favorite). And me being the dutiful wife that I am, thought, "hrm, why don't I throw in some sex too? Poor guy has to work on a Saturday, why not"...
So he comes home, and I start taking his clothes off. He doesn't complain, although he's really wanting some of that taco casserole.
Mid way into our "session" I realize I'm bleeding. Not just a little, a lot. So of course I freak out, and we stop. I jump in the shower- and pass what I consider to be a huge blood clot. (and feel guilty because after all of that David didn't get to "finish"- and well, that was kind of the whole point)
Of course we can't get into the doctor until Monday morning and I'm not going into the ER for this (the bleeding quickly subsided, and I had no further problems the rest of the weekend).
Monday am (have to be there by 8:15am if I want to be seen without an appointment) I drag my poor husband (his one day off and to sleep in) to the doctor to find out that "this is normal" and that it is the equivalent to "skinning your knee" **laugh**. Apparently David "skinned" my cervix, which is more prone to this sort of thing during pregnancy due to increase vasculature in the vagina.
Needless to say I never want to have sex again (but most likely will). Again, poor David.
The problem is that I can't feel the baby move yet. They say not until around 20 weeks. And I know I'm crazy for saying it, but I wish I could feel the baby move! I know in a few weeks I'll be wishing otherwise, but part of me feels like I can't stop worrying when I have a cramp, or whatever 'is the baby ok?'? So as soon as the LPN let me hear that heart beat (and God bless her too, because she let me listen for a good minute or so) I killed the pessimist inside of me.
This baby is going to be just fine. Nothing is going to happen. The baby is going to be perfectly normal (well, as perfectly normal as it can be having David and I as parents).
I guess when you spend so many years searching for "Mr. Right" and wanting to be a mother, one of your biggest fears becomes losing that- or not being able to attain that. So naturally, after the first failed pregnancy- I'm freaking out that my body isn't cut out for pregnancy. Thus the worry and the fear and the crying and the overly emotional crap.
But Monday a light came on and I realized that (thank you FDR) the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. So no more "everything is going to turn out horribly". Time to make the best with what we have and find the positive in everything. Time to be happy that I have a life growing inside of me and ENJOY being pregnant instead of worry about every little thing.
The pessimist is dead!
And I'm pregnant! T -19 days and counting until we find out the sex of the baby.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
David came home the other night and said that there was no way he was going to be able to come home in June at all. He was going to have to miss his brother's wedding. Why this devastates me I just don't know. I've been prepping myself for months that this would happen, just so that I was ready for it. But somehow, I really thought the Army would pull through.
And I can't be mad (even though I am), because how are they to know that the one month that we have major plans they are doing a massive and critical training for the deployment to Afghanistan?
Which brings me to another subject. I'm soooo done with the Army. I wish there was some way for David to "quit". Now that it's more than just him and I on the line, I just can't stand having him be gone. We've been lucky thus far this year, and I really shouldn't complain, but I'm dreading him being deployed and missing the entire first year of our first child's life. It really breaks my heart. And I know it breaks his too.
So, looks like I've got to go down to Army headquarters and be the pregnant wife that gives 'em hell. See if I can convince someone to let him at least make it to the wedding. I don't mind that he'll miss my 30th birthday, or our anniversary- But I'm really upset that he can't even be there for the wedding. He's going to try to get a 4 day pass from this training just to make it to the wedding. Unfortunately that's more of something that they do for higher ranking officers and such, so we'll see.
And by the way, I'm really tired of all of the "well that's what you get for marrying a solder" comments on facebook. Like I chose for the love of my life to be a soldier! Jeez people, have a little sympathy.
Oh, and by the way, it's another Saturday, and I'm here alone because David is at a 24 hour duty. It kills me that he puts in all this time and works so hard, and nobody recognizes that. And what's worse is there will soon be a change in command, with a new Captain to impress that has no idea how hard David has been working these last few months and how much he's been covering everyone's asses (whilst people are gone to various trainings, etc). So his 4 day pass request will get looked at with fresh eyes, and most likely a laugh.
On a positive note, the baby is doing well. I will officially be in my 5th month on Monday. I know, right?! Apparently this is a period of rapid growth for the baby, so I should be getting rounder. I seem to have plateaued on my weight gain, and while that's normally good, it frightens me a little bit that I haven't gained a pound a week at this point like they say you should. (although apparently my "legs are looking bigger" according to David- gee thanks honey).
We finally got a baby dresser (two actually). A few people have sent some cute clothes, and my aunt made me a wonderful baby blanket, so things are actually starting to come together.
Three more weeks and we know the sex of the baby.
I've yelled at David for seemingly not having an interest in choosing names. He says he'd like to wait for the list to be half what it is now before he actually puts in his two sense. The two names I'm favoring (boy and girl) he doesn't like at all, so I guess that's that. For some reason my girl list is twice as long as my boy list. Probably means it will be a boy, and I'll have a hard time choosing. Although amazingly we both agree on a boy name that we like- so we'll see if that's the final answer. ;) I'll keep it as a surprise!
I'm dieing to feel this baby move. I swear if I concentrate really hard I feel like I can feel something. I know in a few months I'll be wishing the baby would stop kicking.
People- listen to me now- Don't take your abs for granted! It's amazing how much we use our core and don't even realize it. I'm barely a bump and normal things are so hard to do. I cringe to think how much harder things will get when I'm bigger. It's already hard to put on socks. Sit up from a laying position. Throw a baseball for my dog. Bend over at all. So love your abs you non-pregnant women! Treat them well!
Until next time!
Here's a cute prego pic.
Friday, April 2, 2010
It's funny because my mom spends the majority of her time alone, and I've always thought- 'no way man!' I hate the relationship that she has with my father. I don't know what's worse, that she stays with him and doesn't get to do all of the things that she enjoys in life, or that she's just given up on trying to want those things.
I always told myself that I would not have a marriage like that. And I don't, really.
David is wonderful. He enjoys a lot of the same things that I do. He's active outside (mostly when I drag him, but once there he always has a great time).
I don't know if I should blame the army or not that he's always gone. I guess we'll see in two years when he's out. And maybe it's just because I'm not working and am home all the time. Time. I have a lot of time on my hands. If I was at work, a large portion of my day would be busy, and I wouldn't be alone. So I guess I'm to blame here for most of it.
But here we are. A beautiful Friday. The weather is finally nice at 75 degrees. I'm actually a little burnt from laying out yesterday. David and the boys have 4 days off for the Easter holiday. And yet, here I am alone. The boys went out 4-wheeling. And I am here alone. The crazy part is that I'm not mad. I'm not mad at him for going and hanging out with the boys. He needs that time. I just find myself sitting in the backyard, not wanting to waste the weather away with TV. Wishing I had a nice cool glass of white wine, and a friend to talk to.
So we learn to survive on our own. We learn to have conversations with our dogs and cats (or for you Anne, inanimate objects and in foreign languages). It makes me wonder, were we meant to be pack animals? Or were we meant to survive on our own?
Thursday, April 1, 2010
SO... uhhhh.... Not much happening here.
The weather is finally warm today. It's so strange. Yesterday it was raining, and I was wearing a sweatshirt. Today it's 75 and I'm in a tank top and short and sunbathing in the "backyard".
Been battling mucus in my sinuses, which has the occasion to give me a super fun headache! Apparently pregnancy increases blood flow to your mucus membranes, hence the stuffy noses.
We have our 16 week ultrasound on Monday and I can't wait to see how much the baby has grown from 10 weeks. I can't help but worry. I know, it's bad for everyone, but gosh! Until I can feel this baby move inside of me (not until about 20 weeks) then I'm gonna worry! At this point the baby gender is distinguishable, but our mid-wife that will be doing our ultrasound on Monday says he's really terrible at determining the sex and that we shouldn't even ask him. I'm going to tell him not to bullshit a bullshitter, I mean, how many years has he been doing this? Come on man, give me something to work with!
Otherwise we have an official appointment with a certified ultrasound tech the first week in May. I can't wait that long! I'm just looking forward to culling down my list of names to one gender.
David's CO told him that his leave request for June will be denied. I guess they have HATs (High Altitude Training) in Colorado in June and nobody is getting leave granted. I guess my birthday, our anniversary and his brothers wedding are not that important to the Army. He thinks they are in two two-week increments and that he can hopefully get assigned to the first one and then make it to Cali by the 16th or so. Just in time for the wedding. We're not worrying the bride and groom yet (we're both in the wedding), as the Army is terrible about making any decisions more than 5 minutes in advance.
David suggested that maybe if he puts in a request for more than 30 days then it will go above his CO to be approved (this is the regular process). He's not sure, but I think it's worth a try.
I told him, "I love you babe, but I'm going to Cali with or without you."
I'm really starting to look pregnant, and silly impatient me just can't wait to be "bigger". Silly I know. I'm just not round enough yet! I want to "look" pregnant. Here's a pic of me below. 15 weeks and 4 days. I've been doing weekly shots of me in my pj's and plan to do time lapse thingy with them. Stay tuned for that at the end! LOL.
Well, the boys have the next 4 days off, and it's supposed to be in the 70's all weekend, so hopefully we can enjoy the out of doors! I need some sun! I'm WHITE!
Until next time!
15 weeks and 4 days
Adam and David wish they were pregnant too! Silly boys!
Friday, March 12, 2010
This week we got a notice on our door that we are in violation of our lease due to not picking up our dog feces! I was appalled, as, of course, we ALWAYS pick up our shit (ok, well, mostly always). So I called and said "t'ain't us". and she was like "Ok, never mind then". Erm, OK.
I was really upset by the fact that "We've had several complaints that you don't pick up your feces". I'd really like to know who's complaining! You should see that bag of shit in our garage! Stinky!
So this prompted me to go on a rampage and decide that I hate apartment living and that I refuse to move into another apartment in August when we move up to the college. And since it doesn't appear that there are a lot of rental houses in Canton, this also prompted me to look at buying a house. Crazy, right?
WELL. I found a lovely 3 bedroom 1.5 bath house that wasn't a trailer, and didn't look like it was about to fall down for the wonderful price of- wait for it, wait for it- $75,000.
This morning I took a poop and $75,000 came out. I mean $75k! How can we not buy a house for that much! I thought, 'oh, we'll get approved for that much for sure. '
David, amazingly, is totally on board with this idea. I think we should even keep it after we move back to CA and use it as a rental property and make some money (he's not so keen on this idea and would rather sell it in two years). I can't help but ask myself if buying a house for only 2 years is a bad idea. But then I hear my neighbor shutting their kitchen cabinet through the wall, and I think- good idea.
So I went through the pre-approval process through our bank, asking for 100K just to see what we can get. Apparently our credit is fantastic, and our debt to income ratio is superb, but I guess the lack of cash on hand for a down payment and closing costs is putting a damper on the deal.
Closing costs in this state are crazy high. Basically we'd need to come up with $13,000 by August (when we were planning to buy) in order to be approved for 100K loan. *sigh* Unless I sell a kidney, or start prostituting myself out, there is no way we can come up with that much in that short a time. At best we could get to 7K.
So if any of my rich friends want to loan us some cash so we can buy a house, that'd be great. Ha ha.
So there goes that dream. Looks like we're renting after all. I'm hoping to find a house to rent. And given that we have more time to look, I think we can find something that suits us.
Perhaps I should stop watching the DIY network non-stop. It just makes we want to remodel things that I can't. I can't wait to get back to Placerville so that I can start this list. Of course a million things will change by then. A baby. A nursing license (and hopefully a kick ass health educator job). David wants to go to school full time, so that leaves me to bring in the money.
I don't know. If I had a job then we'd have more money in savings. I just can't bring myself to get a job at the Gap or Bed, Bath and Beyond. I just don't want to drive 30 minutes to town to work for $8/hour and spend it all on gas money.
Oh well, things rarely work out the way we wish them to.
On a completely different note- David has been approved for laser eye surgery through the army, and it's next week! The surprising part is that he has to go to Walter Reed Medical Hospital in Silver Springs, Maryland - which just happens to be 10 miles north of none other than Washington DC! I'm SOOOO excited to go. I've never been to the capitol and there is so much I want to see. Plus the army will pay for our food and lodging, so it's kind of like a free vacation! I'll post pictures when we get back. We get to stay for a full week!
Until next time. :)
Monday, March 1, 2010
But I did walk away from Nights with one great line lingering in my head. A line that is inspiring me. "I love Jack because he is your father. But there is a different kind of love. A love that makes you want to be the best version of yourself and not the worst. Hold out for that kind of love."
I love my husband more than I can explain. But lately I have been being the worst version of myself. And not because of him. He has been nothing but wonderful to me. So no more of this crappy version of Alice. Time to make the most of the life that I have here. Time to be the best version of myself. Time to let the love that I have with my husband blossom and grow and flourish!
Hrm, now how to make that happen? lol.
But really, that sappy love movie just made me realize that life ain't so bad, and I need to make the time that I have here with my husband (before he goes to Afghanistan) the best that it can be.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The nausea is pretty much gone. I'm really happy about that. I definitely have a baby bump. This is the fun part of the pregnancy. I get to walk around with my hand on my belly and be all cute and stuff. I can only fit into one pair of jeans (my 'fat' jeans). Soon I'll have to move to pregnancy wear.
Really looking forward to finding out the sex of the baby in about 8-9 weeks. Compiling a list of names isn't easy. Looking forward to narrowing it down.
As I'm the 7th generation of Alice's in my family I feel really obligated to name a girl Alice, but am really not wanting to do that. So trying to find a great first name, with Alice as a middle name isn't really easy either. All I keep thinking is that this person is going to have this name for the rest of their life. It's not something you can decide easily.
David is convinced it will be a boy so we won't have to worry about girl names anyway. We'll see.
Here are some pics!
Little kidney bean
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Jill put it nicely when she said that I am just in-between adventures right now. She couldn't be more right. I have absolutely nothing to do and it's really depressing and utterly boring. I'm trying to make the most of sitting around all day at home with no car and no company(other than the dogs). Actually it's probably best that I don't have a car or else I'd be spending too much money (shopping is a great way to ease boredom). Rachael Ray provides me with amazing dinners for my two boys. That seems to be the highlight of my day.
So thank you to all of you that read and comment and worry. I'm not big at talking on the phone for hours, but love the comments, and the emails and the virtual "conversations" that we have.
I continue to try not to worry, and keep up the hope that "everything will be all right".
I'm really looking forward to coming home for the entire month of June. Looking forward to a baby shower with all of my friends and family. My brother in laws wedding. My 30th birthday. Our 2nd anniversary (hopefully spent on the coast of California!). And maybe even 4th of July in Tahoe (if the army will let us be away from the north country for that long).
Come August we will have plenty to do. David and I are planning to move to the town my college is in (an hour north of the base). My nursing classes start at the end of August (9 months pregnant should be a blast). I'm due September 20th, and unfortunately have to try and miss as little school as possible. Dad gets to play mom for that first month until he leaves for Afghanistan (he should get 30 days of paternity leave- we hope). My mom plans to visit for a few weeks as well. I realize it's going to be tough, but we'll manage somehow. I always love a challenge. If anybody else wants to take a week or two off between Oct and Christmas to come watch my kid for me while I'm at school, you're welcome to come! I'm sure I'll enjoy your company and the help!
Until then, I just try and bide my time. On a positive note the morning sickness has seemed to ease up a lot. I guess this week the placenta has taken over it's job of filtering and etc.. So I'm feeling better.
Just want to say thanks all for being my friends.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
"To the mall", Adam says. "No," I say, "David hates the mall". "Sledding" Adam says. "No," I say, "it's too cold". By noon I had searched the internet for "things to do in NY", the boys had gone through my High School year book and we still had no destination.
David fell asleep on the couch. I went up stairs, feeling utterly defeated, as it was yet again another nothing day, with nothing to do. I slept for 3 hours. The boys played Call of Duty.
And here I am, trying to convince myself that it is only truly ourselves that make ourself happy. Yet I am still choosing to be unhappy.
My husband is trying to make me happy, trying to rub my back, and suggest we go for a walk. My husband is wonderful. When I asked him this morning what he wanted to do, he said, "whatever makes you happy." And not in the sarcastic kind of I hate that you're making me do something way, he really meant it. I believe that he means to do whatever he can to make me happy. I don't know how to repay him for this. I don't know how to stop sulking in my room, lying under the covers with the lights off at 4:40 in the afternoon. I don't know how to pick myself up off the floor and make myself happy. California Dreaming is running through my head.
I hate this place. The snow. The cold. The 4 long months of nothing to do but stay indoors. I hate that I have no friends here. I hate how guilty I feel for hating all of this, when my husband tries so hard to make it the best.
So time to stop sulking. Time to pick myself up off the floor. Time to make dinner.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Yesterday somebody said something to me that I've heard from other people before. "You have everything you've ever dreamed of".
So I can't help but feel ashamed of the fact that I am angry. Angry at people for thinking that my life is so perfect. Angry at myself for not appreciating all of the wonderful things that I have. Mostly I am feeling angry at the complete loss of control that I have over everything that is going on around me. What's worse is that I'm angry at the dog (mostly for just existing), I'm angry at my husband (for various stupid reasons- the latest of which involves finding pleasure in killing, stealing, and vandalizing on video games), I'm angry at the college for telling me that I should just drop out if I plan on having a baby during the first semester, and I'm angry at everyone it seems, except for myself.
What is ridiculous is that I feel as if I have become David Keema's wife. I don't get to be Alice anymore, health educator, hard worker, zany, obsessive, funny girl. I'm just this woman that cleans the house and makes dinner. I'm just this thing that turns my husband on, and is there for his sexual pleasure when the moment suits him. I feel a complete loss of my self identity. And I have no idea how to get it back.
I look forward to the day when I have school and a baby to juggle. Sounds crazy to look forward to that chaos, but it's exactly that type of environment that I thrive in. It's the complete opposite of what I have going on right now.
So now I have months to fill. Months to survive. Months to try and not kill the dog (just for existing), or be angry at my husband (when he has been nothing but wonderful to me). I've applied for so many jobs now that is just seems like a lost cause that someone will actually hire me. Seems that even the Home Depot doesn't need my skills. I can't really justify buying a second car just so that I can join a social group, or volunteer my time somewhere in an attempt to not go insane. So finding variations on my daily routine at home are challenging. 10 am Rachel Ray, 4pm Ellen DeGeneres Show... in between... exercise, clean, play with dogs, surf the internet.
Send me your projects that need to be done. I'll finish your scrap book for you, or do your taxes. ;)
On a positive note, I actually look a little bit pregnant now instead of just fat. I'm not quite to the pregnancy jeans yet, but seem to be getting rounder towards the middle. The nausea is limiting itself to the late afternoons and evenings, which gives me some relief during the day. I'm excited and scared as hell to be a mother. Mostly because the first year will be just me on my own. David will deploy about a month after the baby is born. Nothing to be done about that. Another thing to feel guilty about. Not having the will power to just wait to get pregnant until "a better time".
Ok. well... I'm off in search of myself.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
And for some crazy reason, they have decided to send all of the other men with my husbands rank off to lord knows where trainings, leaving David in charge of running everything. This creates long hours, and frustrations.
And then my poor husband gets to come home to a crazy, cranky, pregnant wife, that can't seem to keep in control of her emotions.
For example, the other day my husband was on night-shift. He didn't have to report to work until 11am. However, he had a Dr appointment at 9am. So, I dropped him off at work at 9am (so I could have the truck to run errands). Luckily our roommate was also on nights, so they could drive home together. My day dragged on as I found things to do. I finally fell asleep at 10pm, thinking they should be home any minute. Despite the nausea that has overcome me this week, I had prepared a kick-ass dinner for them (made with ground beef- and for those of you who know me, know I don't eat beef...). At 10 minutes to 1am, I awoke with a start, realizing they were not home yet. I text David. No response (10 minutes). I text Adam. I exhale in relief as I read the response (Adam's phone, but my husband texting- his phone battery has died) informing me that they are on their way home, after a quick stop at Taco Bell. They must be starving.
I lay awake waiting for them. At 1: 30am they arrive home. I can hear them come in, the dogs go crazy, and then they all settle themselves into the kitchen for 20 minutes to consume their meal. Why didn't they eat it in the car? Why doesn't my husband come immediately upstairs to kiss me and say hello? Why am I all of the sudden so angry that they couldn't just come straight home and eat my kick ass dinner?! If they can smell Taco Bell in the car for the 15 minute drive home, then they must not be too starving.
I am mad. My husband has been at work for 16 hours putting up with who knows what kind of bullshit, and I am mad because he didn't eat my dinner, or come up stairs right away to kiss me. I sleep on the couch after being grumpy to my husband, who falls into an immediate deep sleep involving loud snores. This is the irrational mind of a pregnant woman.
Yesterday he had to go into work at 3am as he was "sponsor" for a guy going through a training course and he had to be there to represent him and do some other bullshit. So he got up at 2am, and went into work. After several hours of "representing" this young man, he is informed that the guy will be "kicked out" of the training due to his haircut. David blames himself. It was his responsibility to make sure this guy was prepared. After dropping the guy off, he heads into work to start a 24-hour shift at 9am.
This morning, as he sleepily stumbles through the door at 11am (had some extra things to take care of at work, and thus was home late) he tells me that he has another 24 hour shift on Sunday.
I am cranky. Not because he has to work again (this for some reason does not surprise me). I am cranky because I want a grilled cheese sandwich and we do not have any cheese.
I should be rubbing my husbands back as he tries to fall asleep on the couch, or making him some lunch. I should be doing my wifely duties ;) ;) if you know what I mean, but I am pregnant. I am tired. I feel nauseous all of the time (thank god I'm not actually throwing up). Every smell sets me off. I want someone to be rubbing my back, and making me a grilled cheese. I do not want to have sex. I do not want to be sympathetic.
I am the worst wife in the world.
What is it they say? "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
Let us hope that is true. This too shall pass. And I still want my grilled cheese.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
To top it all off, I'm home alone all day with nothing to do. Every little thing sets me off. I cry if I see someone crying on television. I cry if David says the wrong thing (which could be a silly as "I have to work on Saturday").
I'm nauseous all of the time. Thank God I'm not throwing up. I mostly sleep. What a boring existence.
The cramps have subsided. My breasts are still sore (and huge!).
Now I just wait for time to go by.
David doesn't want me to get a job. I've applied for several last week, but have yet to hear from anyone.
I need something to do before I go crazy. I'm crazy enough all ready.
I try to set mini goals for myself... things to look forward to. Bowling on Wednesday, visiting with cousins on Saturday. Going home in June for several weeks.
Making lists of names. Thinking about where we're going to put this baby. I think the "man cave" is going to have to become the office and the office is going to have to become the baby's room. we'll see how the boys feel about that. ;)
As always I wish I could fast forward through some of this pregnancy (a common theme in my life) and get to the good stuff. The part where I actually look pregnant instead of just really bloated or fat. I can't fit into most of my pants already. I'm not even supposed to be showing yet! Frustrating that I'm not sure if I've just gained weight from eating too much, or if I really can blame the baby. Supposedly my uterus is now the size of a grapefruit. I'd think that would make me show a little bit!
Here is the first ultrasound from about 6 weeks. Not much to see, but you can make out the yolk sack if you try hard enough.
Second ultrasound on Friday. Looking forward to seeing how much bigger the baby is. Hopefully we'll see a heartbeat. :)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
He seems to think I am only 4 weeks, when I believe I am 6. He did an ultrasound anyway, and found a very small sac in the center of my uterus. Not off is some obscure location like attached to one of my kidney's or in my left fallopian tube. Everything is where it's supposed to be.
So now I can mentally be happy that I am pregnant. And I can say that my husband was right *sulk*.
And now I have time to figure out how I am going to start nursing school at 38 weeks pregnant, and how I am going to find child care for said baby while mom is at nursing school. Ah the joys of parenthood. And so it begins.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
I hate those people that just say, "try not to think about it" or "don't worry about it". How can I? A million questions running through my head with no answers.
Are we really a blend of our parents? Am I half of my mother and half of my father? Why is it then, that I seem to be more pessimist than optimist? Couldn't I have gotten the calm and patient side that is my mother, instead of the anxious and negative side that seems to be my father?
In early December we got pregnant. David was away at training, and I was so exited to surprise him when he got home on the 16th. I was thinking of fun and creative ways to break the news to him. Thinking of how great it would be to tell everyone at Christmas that we were expecting our first child. On the 10th we lost the baby. Well, not really a baby, but more like a tiny bundle of cells. I can't describe to you what this feels like. Devastation over the something that never got to be. The worry and the fear that something is wrong with my womb. That something will continue to be wrong, and that maybe life will not ever grow inside of me. The fear of the unknown.
They assure you that it is nothing that you did wrong. That this doesn't mean that it will happen again. They encourage you to grieve, and to wait at least a month and a half to try again. I got to be pregnant for 2 days. Well, I realize I was pregnant for longer than that, but I was aware for only 2 days. How can I mourn over this tiny bundle of cells that I didn't even get the chance to grow to love yet? I cried. I cried all day. I cried until I didn't think there was anything left inside of me. I mourned for 2 days for my tiny bundle of cells.
I try to remind myself every day how lucky I am. Lucky to have found a love that makes my eyes sparkle and my toes curl. Lucky to have found a partner in life that puts up with my craziness, my obsessive compulsiveness, my compassion, my determination, my goodness and my faults.
David and I did not wait. Well, it's not like we "tried", but just didn't abstain. We were told that I should menstruate again in 4-6 weeks and that it would be ok to try again after that. I did not realize that I would ovulate before that next period. I'd like to say that God has given us a second chance, but those of you who know me know that I don't believe that.
It's a scary thing, the unknown. Is this cramp good or bad? Is this feeling normal or is something wrong? Every body is different, every experience unique. There is no way to know if what is happening to me is "normal". All I can do it try to be positive, try to think that there is no reason why this should not go well.
I debated writing this. I normally wear my heart on my sleeve, but wasn't sure if I wanted the sympathy, and if I would jinx myself by telling all. I'm tired of feeling alone in this and hiding it. It's scary as hell that I don't know what is going to happen. It's scary, all this waiting around. Meanwhile, I'm "trying not to think about it" and "trying not to worry".
It's too early to know anything really, but I'm trying like hell to channel that calm and optimistic side of my mother. Meanwhile, we wait. Wait for the weeks and the months to go by. Wait for good things to come.
Tomorrow I leave for New York City to spend a week with a friend. A week that I cannot go to the doctor to make sure that everything is as it should be. A week that I will try not to be worrying. The internet fills our brains with information, not always right and not always helpful. The cramping is normal, it says. But the cramping only on one side is not normal. Did this baby end up in the wrong place, or am I just overreacting? Will everything be ok? Will I ever get to be a mother? The unknown is enough to drive you crazy.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
I have got to get a job. There is only so much sitting around that I can do. David has been off all week, which has been really nice, but we just lay around and watch tv all day. We're eating too much and not exercising. Not good! Plus it's only 5 degrees outside, so it's too cold to do anything worthwhile.
Well... Time to get a reality check and find that job!