Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Worst Version of Yourself

Do you ever feel like you've become the worst version of yourself?

Yesterday somebody said something to me that I've heard from other people before. "You have everything you've ever dreamed of".

So I can't help but feel ashamed of the fact that I am angry. Angry at people for thinking that my life is so perfect. Angry at myself for not appreciating all of the wonderful things that I have. Mostly I am feeling angry at the complete loss of control that I have over everything that is going on around me. What's worse is that I'm angry at the dog (mostly for just existing), I'm angry at my husband (for various stupid reasons- the latest of which involves finding pleasure in killing, stealing, and vandalizing on video games), I'm angry at the college for telling me that I should just drop out if I plan on having a baby during the first semester, and I'm angry at everyone it seems, except for myself.

What is ridiculous is that I feel as if I have become David Keema's wife. I don't get to be Alice anymore, health educator, hard worker, zany, obsessive, funny girl. I'm just this woman that cleans the house and makes dinner. I'm just this thing that turns my husband on, and is there for his sexual pleasure when the moment suits him. I feel a complete loss of my self identity. And I have no idea how to get it back.

I look forward to the day when I have school and a baby to juggle. Sounds crazy to look forward to that chaos, but it's exactly that type of environment that I thrive in. It's the complete opposite of what I have going on right now.

So now I have months to fill. Months to survive. Months to try and not kill the dog (just for existing), or be angry at my husband (when he has been nothing but wonderful to me). I've applied for so many jobs now that is just seems like a lost cause that someone will actually hire me. Seems that even the Home Depot doesn't need my skills. I can't really justify buying a second car just so that I can join a social group, or volunteer my time somewhere in an attempt to not go insane. So finding variations on my daily routine at home are challenging. 10 am Rachel Ray, 4pm Ellen DeGeneres Show... in between... exercise, clean, play with dogs, surf the internet.

Send me your projects that need to be done. I'll finish your scrap book for you, or do your taxes. ;)

On a positive note, I actually look a little bit pregnant now instead of just fat. I'm not quite to the pregnancy jeans yet, but seem to be getting rounder towards the middle. The nausea is limiting itself to the late afternoons and evenings, which gives me some relief during the day. I'm excited and scared as hell to be a mother. Mostly because the first year will be just me on my own. David will deploy about a month after the baby is born. Nothing to be done about that. Another thing to feel guilty about. Not having the will power to just wait to get pregnant until "a better time".

Ok. well... I'm off in search of myself.


  1. Yay! New blog entry for bored people to read! Boo for cranky Alice. :( Sometimes I feel like the laziest version of myself, or maybe the most boring version of myself.... which may well be the worst. You want to analyze some before and after girl surveys for me from last semester that I haven't had a chance to look at yet?

  2. You have always been a go getter. You have always been so driven to get what you want. And you succeed. Sometimes the end result isn't exactly waht you pictured, at least not in my experience. But what it all comes down to (i've found) is being true to yourself. Remeber why you wanted those dreams in the first place.

    For me it's the journey not the destination. Once I get what I want I'm already looking for the next adventure. Perhaps you are between your adventures. You know you have a big one beginning in a few more months and lasting... well forever... maybe you just need a journey in the middle to keep you busy and make the wait a little easier.

    the best thing about journeys, and emotions... they are all about your perspective.

  3. oh and i have a few shoeboxes full of pictures if you feel like sticking them into a scrap book for me :)