Sunday, January 10, 2010

The Unknown

There are so many things about this life that are unknown. Where did we come from, where are we going, what is really in green jello? And sometimes it's the not knowing that can drive us crazy.

I hate those people that just say, "try not to think about it" or "don't worry about it". How can I? A million questions running through my head with no answers.

Are we really a blend of our parents? Am I half of my mother and half of my father? Why is it then, that I seem to be more pessimist than optimist? Couldn't I have gotten the calm and patient side that is my mother, instead of the anxious and negative side that seems to be my father?

In early December we got pregnant. David was away at training, and I was so exited to surprise him when he got home on the 16th. I was thinking of fun and creative ways to break the news to him. Thinking of how great it would be to tell everyone at Christmas that we were expecting our first child. On the 10th we lost the baby. Well, not really a baby, but more like a tiny bundle of cells. I can't describe to you what this feels like. Devastation over the something that never got to be. The worry and the fear that something is wrong with my womb. That something will continue to be wrong, and that maybe life will not ever grow inside of me. The fear of the unknown.

They assure you that it is nothing that you did wrong. That this doesn't mean that it will happen again. They encourage you to grieve, and to wait at least a month and a half to try again. I got to be pregnant for 2 days. Well, I realize I was pregnant for longer than that, but I was aware for only 2 days. How can I mourn over this tiny bundle of cells that I didn't even get the chance to grow to love yet? I cried. I cried all day. I cried until I didn't think there was anything left inside of me. I mourned for 2 days for my tiny bundle of cells.

I try to remind myself every day how lucky I am. Lucky to have found a love that makes my eyes sparkle and my toes curl. Lucky to have found a partner in life that puts up with my craziness, my obsessive compulsiveness, my compassion, my determination, my goodness and my faults.

David and I did not wait. Well, it's not like we "tried", but just didn't abstain. We were told that I should menstruate again in 4-6 weeks and that it would be ok to try again after that. I did not realize that I would ovulate before that next period. I'd like to say that God has given us a second chance, but those of you who know me know that I don't believe that.

It's a scary thing, the unknown. Is this cramp good or bad? Is this feeling normal or is something wrong? Every body is different, every experience unique. There is no way to know if what is happening to me is "normal". All I can do it try to be positive, try to think that there is no reason why this should not go well.

I debated writing this. I normally wear my heart on my sleeve, but wasn't sure if I wanted the sympathy, and if I would jinx myself by telling all. I'm tired of feeling alone in this and hiding it. It's scary as hell that I don't know what is going to happen. It's scary, all this waiting around. Meanwhile, I'm "trying not to think about it" and "trying not to worry".

It's too early to know anything really, but I'm trying like hell to channel that calm and optimistic side of my mother. Meanwhile, we wait. Wait for the weeks and the months to go by. Wait for good things to come.

Tomorrow I leave for New York City to spend a week with a friend. A week that I cannot go to the doctor to make sure that everything is as it should be. A week that I will try not to be worrying. The internet fills our brains with information, not always right and not always helpful. The cramping is normal, it says. But the cramping only on one side is not normal. Did this baby end up in the wrong place, or am I just overreacting? Will everything be ok? Will I ever get to be a mother? The unknown is enough to drive you crazy.


  1. You weren't sure you were ever going to find David but you did. This too shall pass and you guys will come through it. *hugs*

  2. Every time I was pregnant and then not, I grieved. Each time was different, as each circumstance was different. The "why" is so hard and impossible to not ask - but rarely is the "why" answered. full of everything, not differentiating good or bad. Hugs your way - let me know how it goes.