Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Am I a terrible wife?

My husband was recently promoted and consequently his workload has seemed to increase two-fold. It seems there is always more work to do when they are just back from a deployment. Routines to get back into, things that need to be fixed, checked, double-checked. People that need to be certified, re-certified, de-certified.

And for some crazy reason, they have decided to send all of the other men with my husbands rank off to lord knows where trainings, leaving David in charge of running everything. This creates long hours, and frustrations.

And then my poor husband gets to come home to a crazy, cranky, pregnant wife, that can't seem to keep in control of her emotions.

For example, the other day my husband was on night-shift. He didn't have to report to work until 11am. However, he had a Dr appointment at 9am. So, I dropped him off at work at 9am (so I could have the truck to run errands). Luckily our roommate was also on nights, so they could drive home together. My day dragged on as I found things to do. I finally fell asleep at 10pm, thinking they should be home any minute. Despite the nausea that has overcome me this week, I had prepared a kick-ass dinner for them (made with ground beef- and for those of you who know me, know I don't eat beef...). At 10 minutes to 1am, I awoke with a start, realizing they were not home yet. I text David. No response (10 minutes). I text Adam. I exhale in relief as I read the response (Adam's phone, but my husband texting- his phone battery has died) informing me that they are on their way home, after a quick stop at Taco Bell. They must be starving.

I lay awake waiting for them. At 1: 30am they arrive home. I can hear them come in, the dogs go crazy, and then they all settle themselves into the kitchen for 20 minutes to consume their meal. Why didn't they eat it in the car? Why doesn't my husband come immediately upstairs to kiss me and say hello? Why am I all of the sudden so angry that they couldn't just come straight home and eat my kick ass dinner?! If they can smell Taco Bell in the car for the 15 minute drive home, then they must not be too starving.

I am mad. My husband has been at work for 16 hours putting up with who knows what kind of bullshit, and I am mad because he didn't eat my dinner, or come up stairs right away to kiss me. I sleep on the couch after being grumpy to my husband, who falls into an immediate deep sleep involving loud snores. This is the irrational mind of a pregnant woman.

Example #2:
Yesterday he had to go into work at 3am as he was "sponsor" for a guy going through a training course and he had to be there to represent him and do some other bullshit. So he got up at 2am, and went into work. After several hours of "representing" this young man, he is informed that the guy will be "kicked out" of the training due to his haircut. David blames himself. It was his responsibility to make sure this guy was prepared. After dropping the guy off, he heads into work to start a 24-hour shift at 9am.

This morning, as he sleepily stumbles through the door at 11am (had some extra things to take care of at work, and thus was home late) he tells me that he has another 24 hour shift on Sunday.

I am cranky. Not because he has to work again (this for some reason does not surprise me). I am cranky because I want a grilled cheese sandwich and we do not have any cheese.

I should be rubbing my husbands back as he tries to fall asleep on the couch, or making him some lunch. I should be doing my wifely duties ;) ;) if you know what I mean, but I am pregnant. I am tired. I feel nauseous all of the time (thank god I'm not actually throwing up). Every smell sets me off. I want someone to be rubbing my back, and making me a grilled cheese. I do not want to have sex. I do not want to be sympathetic.

I am the worst wife in the world.

What is it they say? "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Let us hope that is true. This too shall pass. And I still want my grilled cheese.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


As if I wasn't emotional enough in life, you throw in pregnancy and hormone levels double every two days. Swell.

To top it all off, I'm home alone all day with nothing to do. Every little thing sets me off. I cry if I see someone crying on television. I cry if David says the wrong thing (which could be a silly as "I have to work on Saturday").

I'm nauseous all of the time. Thank God I'm not throwing up. I mostly sleep. What a boring existence.

The cramps have subsided. My breasts are still sore (and huge!).

Now I just wait for time to go by.
David doesn't want me to get a job. I've applied for several last week, but have yet to hear from anyone.

I need something to do before I go crazy. I'm crazy enough all ready.

I try to set mini goals for myself... things to look forward to. Bowling on Wednesday, visiting with cousins on Saturday. Going home in June for several weeks.
Making lists of names. Thinking about where we're going to put this baby. I think the "man cave" is going to have to become the office and the office is going to have to become the baby's room. we'll see how the boys feel about that. ;)

As always I wish I could fast forward through some of this pregnancy (a common theme in my life) and get to the good stuff. The part where I actually look pregnant instead of just really bloated or fat. I can't fit into most of my pants already. I'm not even supposed to be showing yet! Frustrating that I'm not sure if I've just gained weight from eating too much, or if I really can blame the baby. Supposedly my uterus is now the size of a grapefruit. I'd think that would make me show a little bit!

Here is the first ultrasound from about 6 weeks. Not much to see, but you can make out the yolk sack if you try hard enough.

Second ultrasound on Friday. Looking forward to seeing how much bigger the baby is. Hopefully we'll see a heartbeat. :)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Where it is supposed to be

It's funny that all I needed was a man in a white coat to tell me that everything is going to be all right.

He seems to think I am only 4 weeks, when I believe I am 6. He did an ultrasound anyway, and found a very small sac in the center of my uterus. Not off is some obscure location like attached to one of my kidney's or in my left fallopian tube. Everything is where it's supposed to be.

So now I can mentally be happy that I am pregnant. And I can say that my husband was right *sulk*.

And now I have time to figure out how I am going to start nursing school at 38 weeks pregnant, and how I am going to find child care for said baby while mom is at nursing school. Ah the joys of parenthood. And so it begins.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

The Unknown

There are so many things about this life that are unknown. Where did we come from, where are we going, what is really in green jello? And sometimes it's the not knowing that can drive us crazy.

I hate those people that just say, "try not to think about it" or "don't worry about it". How can I? A million questions running through my head with no answers.

Are we really a blend of our parents? Am I half of my mother and half of my father? Why is it then, that I seem to be more pessimist than optimist? Couldn't I have gotten the calm and patient side that is my mother, instead of the anxious and negative side that seems to be my father?

In early December we got pregnant. David was away at training, and I was so exited to surprise him when he got home on the 16th. I was thinking of fun and creative ways to break the news to him. Thinking of how great it would be to tell everyone at Christmas that we were expecting our first child. On the 10th we lost the baby. Well, not really a baby, but more like a tiny bundle of cells. I can't describe to you what this feels like. Devastation over the something that never got to be. The worry and the fear that something is wrong with my womb. That something will continue to be wrong, and that maybe life will not ever grow inside of me. The fear of the unknown.

They assure you that it is nothing that you did wrong. That this doesn't mean that it will happen again. They encourage you to grieve, and to wait at least a month and a half to try again. I got to be pregnant for 2 days. Well, I realize I was pregnant for longer than that, but I was aware for only 2 days. How can I mourn over this tiny bundle of cells that I didn't even get the chance to grow to love yet? I cried. I cried all day. I cried until I didn't think there was anything left inside of me. I mourned for 2 days for my tiny bundle of cells.

I try to remind myself every day how lucky I am. Lucky to have found a love that makes my eyes sparkle and my toes curl. Lucky to have found a partner in life that puts up with my craziness, my obsessive compulsiveness, my compassion, my determination, my goodness and my faults.

David and I did not wait. Well, it's not like we "tried", but just didn't abstain. We were told that I should menstruate again in 4-6 weeks and that it would be ok to try again after that. I did not realize that I would ovulate before that next period. I'd like to say that God has given us a second chance, but those of you who know me know that I don't believe that.

It's a scary thing, the unknown. Is this cramp good or bad? Is this feeling normal or is something wrong? Every body is different, every experience unique. There is no way to know if what is happening to me is "normal". All I can do it try to be positive, try to think that there is no reason why this should not go well.

I debated writing this. I normally wear my heart on my sleeve, but wasn't sure if I wanted the sympathy, and if I would jinx myself by telling all. I'm tired of feeling alone in this and hiding it. It's scary as hell that I don't know what is going to happen. It's scary, all this waiting around. Meanwhile, I'm "trying not to think about it" and "trying not to worry".

It's too early to know anything really, but I'm trying like hell to channel that calm and optimistic side of my mother. Meanwhile, we wait. Wait for the weeks and the months to go by. Wait for good things to come.

Tomorrow I leave for New York City to spend a week with a friend. A week that I cannot go to the doctor to make sure that everything is as it should be. A week that I will try not to be worrying. The internet fills our brains with information, not always right and not always helpful. The cramping is normal, it says. But the cramping only on one side is not normal. Did this baby end up in the wrong place, or am I just overreacting? Will everything be ok? Will I ever get to be a mother? The unknown is enough to drive you crazy.

Saturday, January 2, 2010


I have got to get a job. There is only so much sitting around that I can do. David has been off all week, which has been really nice, but we just lay around and watch tv all day. We're eating too much and not exercising. Not good! Plus it's only 5 degrees outside, so it's too cold to do anything worthwhile.

Well... Time to get a reality check and find that job!