I've been finding lately that I've been really angry. At everything. The dogs, David... mostly David. When I was here in 2008, I spent a lot of time being angry and finally came to the conclusion that it stemmed from a lack of control over my life.
When I am home all day and jobless, and all I have to do is plan dinner, I tend to want to control things to make myself feel like I am actually doing something with my life. Then, it was mostly the dogs. Kate began her weird obsession with not wanting to walk on the grass. This makes going to the bathroom when you are a dog extremely difficult. This made me angry beyond belief. Then I would get angry at David for not wanting to eat what I had prepared for dinner. Vegetables, or black beans, or lasagna with ricotta cheese (which apparently is gross). Today it was not wanting to use the brand new omlette pan that I bought him (because his first attempt to use it last weekend failed when he didn't follow the directions and spray it with PAM and the eggs burnt and stuck to the pan. Which now he's convinced will happen every time- OR he could turn the heat down and spray it with PAM- which amazingly worked just fine this am).
Once I determined the source of my anger, I worked really hard on overcoming it. Started counting to 10 a lot and saying "don't get angry over something you can't control". Became my new mantra.
Yet here I am again, jobless and home all of the time and I find myself getting angry. This time mostly at David. I can't help but feel like his brain has permanently turned itself off. I'm really concerned that either a) he just doesn't care, or b) his attention span is that of a 3 year olds (unless he is looking you in the eye, he is not listening).
I tell him something, and then the next day he'll ask me a question regarding that topic- with honestly no idea what the answer is (even though I've told him all about it the day before). This spans from simple things like what are we having for dinner tonight, to complex things like when I have to register for college. It is extremely frustrating to have a partner that you feel like has no interest in anything you are saying.
It doesn't help that I am home all day, and have nothing to do but think up things to do or say or dream about, then to share them with my husband when he walks through the door. It's incredibly offensive when the next day or the next week, he has no idea what I'm talking about.
So I get angry. Lately every time he asks me something I've already told him, I just start yelling at him. It's not healthy for our relationship, and I don't like the road it is taking us down. I really don't know what else to do about it, other than tell him how offensive it is that his memory is this horrible. Does he have any control over his memory? We joke that he needs ginko biloba- but he would most likely forget to take it. It feels so lonely when all you have is your partner (no real friends here to complain to, or go out with)- and you don't really feel like they are listening.
I know if I had a job, and felt like I was contributing to the world in some way, then I wouldn't focus so much on these types of things. So partly, I am to blame here. It's too bad that nursing school will start just as David deploys and I will be left to fend for myself with a new baby. I know I'll thrive with things to juggle. And oddly I'm looking forward to that (yes, I know I'm crazy- but you try sitting around at home for months on end- you'd welcome something to do too!).
Counting to 10 is not going to work with David's memory problems. I'm really going to have to sit down with him and tell him that this upsets me. I don't know how to solve this, and his response of "I can't help it if my memory is bad" is not going to cut it.
*sigh* Everything will be all right.