Ok, so it was bound to happen at some point, and most likely will happen again. Today I had an utter and complete breakdown. Last night as we were getting ready for bed, David and I got into a silly argument and I stormed off downstairs to sleep on the couch. For one it was hotter than heck upstairs, so the cool breeze downstairs was welcoming. And really, I don't even know what I was mad about. I think most likely I was anxious about my 20 week appointment.
Even though I thought I killed the pessimist weeks ago, I guess I didn't, because these last few days have been filled with "what if something is wrong". I'm still not feeling any movement, and this still scares the heck out of me. Having to go a month without seeing your baby move on the monitor is torture. I had no idea if "baby" was still thriving in there. So you brain starts to work overtime. I just kept having images of us in the ultrasound and either a) the baby is not moving at all, or b) something is not where it's supposed to be- like it's organs on the outside or something!
So I slept, or rather didn't sleep, on the couch. David ignored my tantrum, which in hindsight is the last thing he should have done and the last thing I needed was to be ignored. And this am, I just lost it. Sobbed and sobbed. Couldn't hold it together. I was a total mess. And I knew I needed to calm down, I knew the stress is bad for the baby. But I couldn't even breath!
But once we were in that room, and within 3 seconds of that wand going onto my stomach, I could see that baby moving, and all of it went away. The first thing I said was, "Man, I wish we could get one of these for the house, I'd do this every day!" Perhaps I should just invest in one of those heart monitors (you can actually hear the baby's heart beat for like $50 for the little machine- but I have no idea how well they work).
This week the baby is the length of a banana and nearly 6 ounces. We're officially at the half way mark. Everything is where it's supposed to be. And it's a GIRL!
I jinxed it this morning by saying that I hope it's a boy so that I can have a little version of David to love while he is gone this next year. I guess it will still be a little version of David, just minus a few parts, and plus a few others.
I'm petrified of having to do this first year on my own. I hate this place, and feel so lonely all of the time. All I have here is David, and knowing that he is leaving and I will be stuck here is slowly eating away at me. I know I should suck it up, but it's easier to deal with a deployment when you have your mom near by, or friends to distract you. Here I just have the dogs and Sophie (whose newest fascination is her own reflection in pictures- such a weirdo). I know that school will bring an added distraction, and I am looking forward to that, and hopefully the friends I will make. Let's just pray they are not all 18 year old kids (the college is really geared toward new HS grads).
I fill my days with plans for the future. I live my life from one goal to the next. It helps me get by. It's what I need to do. Less than a month to go and I'll be on my way to California. I can't wait to spend my days lounging in the Yount's pool, having lunch with friends, and shopping. Then the baby will come, David will leave, my mom will come and stay for a month. Then before I know it, it will be Christmas time, and I'll be home again. I've decided that I'll most likely spend a month at home for Christmas, and then once the spring semester is over I'll spend the entire summer home. No point in being in NY alone for 3 empty months. Then once my fall semester starts up, it will only be 2 short months until David is home and his Army career will be coming to an end. I can see the end in sight! We'll be home for good before we know it!
I should finish school in June of 2012 (yikes, sounds like forever when you see the number). Then we're homeward bound. I really can't wait to be back in my house. David and I have been dreaming up all kinds of remodel projects to do on it. And he'll get to start school and I'll land some cushy nursing job, and all will be well.
And then they lived happily ever after. Just got to hang on and keep moving. One day at a time.