train

There are train tracks a 1/4 mile behind our house. I grew up with a train running several times a day behind our house in Elk Grove, so you'd think I wouldn't even hear it.
I hear it.

What I thought was my neighbor warming up their car at 5:45 am has really been a train idling on the tracks for 30 minutes every morning.

The train goes by 3-4 times a day. Half of the time it sits and idles for what seems like forever. It unsettles the dogs. So not only do I have to listen to the gentle hum of a train engine, I also get to try and calm growling and barking dogs.

I do not like the train.

extremely personal....

So I realize that this is extremely personal, and well... something I should just keep to myself. But then, I wouldn't be me if I didn't talk about it, now would I?

In our frightening journey to get pregnant.... we are officially at day 7 of "missing my period".

Pregnancy tests x3 are all negative thus far. It's extremely frustrating to "not know". I'm trying to be good and take vitamins, and exercise and not drink. But every little cramp that I feel in my uterus (ladies, you know what I'm talking about- those pre-menstrual, hmmm... I may be starting soon cramps) I over react to. "Am I starting my period today?". "Am I pregnant?". "Is something wrong?". "Why are these tests negative!?"

So, I play the waiting game. I'll try not to break into hysterics if I finally do start bleeding. This baby making thing is really emotional!

I'm just really looking forward to getting to be fat and having an excuse for it. ;) ha ha.

Sleep

I haven't been sleeping lately. I'm wondering what exactly it is that my brain cannot find peace about. Is it being a soldiers wife? Is it the wondering and worrying if he is safe, and when he will come home to me? Wondering when they will take him away again? Or is it the lack of pregnancy? The looming thought that something is wrong with one of us, and that this will not be as easy as everyone says. The waiting. The wondering.

Perhaps these are the things that keeps my brain awake at night.

Or maybe it's that my husband has stolen my down pillow and is holding it hostage under his head. Funny how the simple routine things in life make such a difference.

Give me back my pillow!

A bright light in Iraq

Last night I dragged my husband to the FRG meeting for his company. The FRG is the Family Readiness Group, or as I like to call it, the wives club. It is a place for the spouses to obtain information on what is happening with our company, when the soldiers are to be sent to trainings, and dates for fun things like Brigade Balls, etc.

It was the first meeting since we've been back from the deployment. I was hoping to meet some new wives, and maybe a new friend.

Two other wives were there. Both also dragged their husbands. One of which I am already friends with. The other is too high ranking for me to really be hanging out with.

The new company commanders wife is running the meetings now, since our last leader had to quit for personal reasons. If anything I wanted to meet the commanders wife.

The meeting was quite unofficial and boring, which was really nice, as we didn't have to stay long. It was held at a place called Family World, which sadly, is a Chinese buffet restaurant. The restaurant has few tables and is littered with arcade games and kiddie rides.

As we are waiting for the meeting to "begin" my husband wanders over to a video game with some sort of AK-47 type guns attached to it, grabs one of the guns, turns it towards the meeting and starts firing. The gun emits a faint, rat-a-tat-tat sound and my husband delves into his Rambo role with fervor.

Silly. My husband is silly.

The company commander turns to me and says, "You know, if it weren't for Keema, we may not have made it through Iraq."

So for all of the times that my husbands silliness has irritated me, for the times when I am wishing that he would act more like a grown up, I have to remember that we all have our role to play. It really makes my heart smile to know that he was a bright light for some people in Iraq. A reason to smile, even if for just a moment in their day.

And for this I love his silliness. For this I am grateful. For this I love.

Friendless

So, it's Friday night... and we are staying with some friends until we can move into our townhouse next week. And David's got the boys over and they are playing Call of Duty something or other.... and well... I am friendless.

It's hard to a) not have your own space and b) not have any friends.

It's weird that you can be lonely when sitting in a room full of people.

I've already made it my goal this year not to sit around and be a bum. To find a job that makes me feel important. To meet some friends that I like and have things in common with.

I realize I've only been here a week, and that I need to give it time. But it's still hard, nonetheless.

I do LOVE having my husband back stateside and I'm trying not to complain. I need to give him time with his friends, time to be a boy.

I just wish I had a girlfriend here.

*SIGH* I miss you guys in Cali! Don't forget to call me sometimes!

furniture

We bought some new furniture today. Who doesn't love furniture shopping?

Unfortunately we don't actually have an address yet, but hey, what does that matter?
lol.

It's nice to be "homemaking" again.

ok, boring post. I know. sorry. just keeping it real.

It's all worth it

I've been feeling kind of sad lately as I've been getting ready to move back to New York. It's hard to say goodbye to all of my friends, the job that I love and my family. It's hard to abandon my mom, my best friend.

But this morning as I watched my husband sleeping, I realized that it is all worth it. All of that sadness and the fears and worries that come with starting over and moving all disappeared. I can't describe to you how difficult it is to live without your other half for any amount of time.

I've always been a strong natured and independent woman. I've always known that I can survive through anything. And I did survive while he was gone. I carried on with my life, I did the best with what I had. But now I can finally sleep again. I can rest easy knowing that he is safe and home. I can finally breathe.

I'm still sad that I've had to leave so much behind. But I'm happy at the same time that my love is home.

Although I hate the sacrifice that we have to make for his job- When he comes home it's all worth it.

So, even though it bothers him when people say thank you to him for his service, I don't mind. I'm thankful too. Thankful that he's chosen to do a difficult job for his country. Proud (in an non-overly patriotic kind of way) of him and his service. And thankful that he has come home again.

to keep in touch

So I've decided to start a blog to keep in touch with everyone. This will be the documentary of my journey through moving back to NY (again) and going through nursing school, and hopefully pregnancy... and eventually another deployment (possibly).

Friday was my last day of work at Sutter. And tomorrow starts my 4 days of packing and getting ready to move to NY. I'm filled with mixed emotions. I'm thrilled to get to be back with my husband again and can't wait to start that part of my life again. BUT... I'm sad to leave behind all of my friends and the job that I love.

Unless you are a military wife, it's hard to explain what it is really like. Nothing is ever for certain, and you are constantly holding your breath. I guess I've made peace with fate and life and what is meant to be. I am content knowing that I've found my true love, and that now I can peacefully die at least knowing that much. I know, morbid. but unless you're there, it's hard to understand.

For those of you that have known me for years, you can understand that I've finally found "it". All those restless nights... long in the past.

Well, I'm nervous about New York. Mostly nervous about not finding something that will occupy my time and give me a purpose in life. I spent most of last year (2008) unemployed and gained too much weight and felt, well useless... This next year (or two and a half) I vow to "contribute to society" in some way. I WILL NOT BE A BUM.

Perhaps I'll achieve what I've been longing too since I was 15, and I will finally become a mom. (no pressure honey!)... I should take solace in the fact that my husband (who knows he will more than likely deploy again next fall) does not want to be an absent father, and wants to wait until we are out of the military to start having children.... however.. that maternal clock within me... is TICK TICK TICKING>>> and it's hard to compromise and WAIT. Let me just say that we plan to let fate play it's hand... and come what may... hee, hee, hee... (ok. so the power of my v-jay jay may work it's magic toooo.... lol).

I promise to make friends. I promise to keep in touch with the friends I've left behind.

So here is my blog. Follow if you will!

I'll try to measure snow fall and such to keep it interesting! lol.