Bored

When I get bored, I shop. This is never good. We've moved out of maternity and into the world of psychiatric nursing. Rumors from the folks that took psych on the first half of the semester are that it is wicked hard. The average on the first exam was 72%. So in an effort to not be a C student, I am trying to keep on top of the reading. I read the chapters before the lecture. And then during the lecture, instead of following along with the provided notes (which is next to impossible with Ryan's notes anyways, because he never goes in order of how he writes them)I write my own notes. So I read, I hear, and I write. I'm hoping this really helps me to lock this information into my brain. So point being, I'm feeling really on top of things this half. So, now it's Tuesday, my day off. And despite the fact that we don't get paid until Wednesday, I want to go shopping. Not that we have any extra money for shopping anyways. I want to go and get things we don't need! And what's worse, is that I want to buy things for this house that isn't mine. I want to replace the fireplace screen that desperate needs to be updated, and is hanging by a thread. I want to replace the bathroom light because it's horrid. I want to get a new ceiling fan, as this one is broken and does not work at all (not such an issue now, but when it's actually warm here, I'm thinking I'm going to need it). And although I'm sure my landlord wouldn't mind the updates, part of thinks that maybe she would? Not to mention that it's my money, and I KNOW she wouldn't reimburse me on any of it, as she is cheap. She gave me permission to paint a few rooms here, and then upon seeing the bathroom (which used to be PINK but now looks AWESOME!) she said, "oh. It's just not what I would have picked". Translation: "I hate it". So that's what you get- people with different tastes, and different ideas. It's ok. I'm not mad at her about any of it. It's her house. But every day I have to remind myself that this is not my house, and not my project, and I should not be throwing my money into it.

Here's a few pictures of some of the things I'm dieing to change.

The wall paper upstairs!

The blue toilet and sink (and shower)!

This horrible light fixture.

Broken and out of date fireplace screen.

Broken ceiling fan...

Crumbling planters.












I guess the point being that I can't wait to have my own place to be able to fix up again. The way I want with nobody telling me otherwise! Well, except for my husband I guess. We're thinking about buying a foreclosure somewhere with land (maybe Shingle Springs?) so we can afford it, and then we'll get to fix it up. Somewhere closer down the hill but still "pretty".

"Never drinking again"

How many times have we said that? Saturday I hosted a "yeah, we made it half way through the semester" party. A good time was had by all. A little too good of a time was had be me, I guess. I blame Ray's appletini's. And to top it all off, it just made me feel like a horrible parent. At no point was Laney in harms way, or being neglected (she was asleep for most of the time), but come Sunday morning, when I seriously thought I was going to die- that's when I really felt like an asshole. A big thank you to my classmate Shannon Farnham who literally came right over when I called her. She not only took care of my child for me ALL day, but she fed my dogs, and cleaned my disaster of a kitchen. What a wonderful friend. I literally had to sleep all day. Finally around 3pm, I was able to hold down some chicken broth. Too bad the nursing program doesn't give us any needles with our "practice kits" as I was ready to give myself an IV of fluids, even though we haven't learned how to do that yet!

At some point during our drinking and gaming, Laney woke up. She's pretty easy to get to go back to sleep. So I snuck up stairs to stick her binky back in her mouth. Ray's ex-wife (who was a little past plastered at this point- and we're still trying to figure out why he brought his ex-wife to the party) followed me because she didn't get to see the baby earlier. She really wanted to hold her, and I said NO. My mistake was leaving the room with her still there. As soon as I got back down stairs I could hear Laney crying on the monitor. So back up I go. When I get there, Laney is in her crib, but out of all of her blankets, and way up to one side. I've immediately guessed that this woman picked her up despite my telling her not to. Laney, knowing that this was some stranger, started to cry (good girl!). This woman not only was drunk, but smelled strongly of perfume, and most definitely was not me, and Laney knew so. It took a while for me to calm her down and get her back to sleep. I had to go and make her a fresh bottle to sooth her back to sleep. This woman (as I was downstairs with Laney making the bottle) says "oh good, it wasn't me, she was hungry!"- Uh, no lady, it was you... Then she says, "Let me feed her". I'm thinking "are you crazy?"! I kindly tell her, "no, I think she really just needs her mom right now." She says, "I just want you to go and be a college student." Does this lady realize that I'm 30? And although I was acting stupid by drinking too much without my husband there to begin with, I'm not 18 and I'm not a complete moron. SIGH. So I score negative points on the mom scale for that one.... Geez.

Then when Shannon came over the next day, she says,"what happened to your bathroom?". Not exactly what you want to hear when you are hungover and barely able to move off of the floor. I guess someone decided to use the shower curtain rod as a handlebar and pulled the whole thing down. This, I've decided is remarkably better than puke everywhere. Easily fixed.

So today I find myself saying, "I'll never drink again." And what makes it worse is my husband saying to me last night over the phone as I'm telling him the whole story (well, most of the story, I left out the part about the crazy lady)-"Honey, we're parents now and we have responsibilities"... Like I didn't feel enough like an asshole. He's so cute though, he also says, "Man, I was really hoping you and I could get drunk together". Yikes. Never again. LOL.

So now this week we make the switch from maternity to psych. I'm happy to leave maternity behind. I have been really dreading psych, but now that I'm beyond frustrated with my head maternity instructor- I am all too happy to move to the world of psych. Ryan (psych instructor) has his own idiosyncrasies, but I guess we trade one evil for another. I'd take Ryan over Shinn any day. Let's hope I do well.


4 weeks until my husband come home for his R & R. I can't wait!

Excited about menstruation

Only I could be excited about menstruation. In a world that is full of things beyond our control, I constantly strive to grasp a hold of something that I can make mine. My current obsession, my ovulatory cycle. Since I was 15 years old, all I wanted to do was be a mother. And now I have that, and I love it. And I can't wait to do it all over again! My first pregnancy was full of such fear and apprehension. I didn't know what was "normal" for me, and if everything was gong to be "ok" with the baby. And when it was all over, I promised myself that I would do things better my second go round, and that I wouldn't worry so much (yeah, right, huh?).

But babies cost money to have. And all I can think about is, what happens when David get's out of the Army and we no longer have medical insurance (or good medical insurance)? How are we going to pay for a birth? So my brain starts cranking out numbers, and figures that if by some act of God we get pregnant during David's R & R (the 15 days he get's to come home for "rest and relaxation" half way through this deployment) then we will have a baby in approximately the end of January 2012. Just in time to "squeeze one more out on the Army's dime" as I like to say. Am I crazy? Yes. Do I care? No. Laney is amazing. Why wouldn't I want to do it all over again?

Plus, I'm old. And if we want to have several children, then we better not "wait for a good time". I hate to break it to you world, but there is never going to be a "good time". So you might as well do it now. An R & R baby would mean I give birth the 1st week of my last semester of nursing school. Yikes. Hope my professors are understanding. Laney came a few days early though, so I hope that is the case again. Major difference this time, DAD will be here to help. Ok, well he was here for a month of Laney, but this time he wont have to leave! Ever again!

Plus, my goal during this deployment is to save as much money as humanly possible. So that when David is officially out of the Army come January 2012, we have some savings for those remaining 5 months that we are stuck in up state New York (it's just easier for me to finish out the last semester here, instead of transferring to California). The more we save now, the less we have to worry about David finding a job that pays well enough to cover our expenses. And let's face it, child care is expensive enough. If dad can watch the kids, all the better! Plus, it makes up for the year that he missed with Laney.

So,yes, I'm excited about menstruating. I quit breast feeding Laney last month in a effort to jump start my ovulatory cycle. Can't exactly get pregnant if you're not ovulating, and breast feeding (although not a perfect birth control method) tends to stave off ovulation for a good while. So, as hard as it was to give up breast feeding, I did. I've been tracking my morning temperature (Basal Body Temperature),and figured that I ovulated on the 7th of this month. And today when I started my period,I was actually excited. My last period was December of 2009. It's been awhile. So am I a jerk for jipping my current kid on breast milk, in the hopes of getting pregnant? What if we don't get pregnant in those 15 days? What kind of a horrible parent does that make me? Well, I don't know. But Laney is not suffering, and she's not starving. She still get's to look into my eyes when I feed her (actually she didn't get to look into my eye's while breast feeding because she was facing my chest, so really this is much more intimate if you ask me!).

If my cycle holds true to an average 25-28 day cycle, I should ovulate just before David goes back to Afghanistan. If we get pregnant, he'll only miss the first 6 months. He'll be here for "the good stuff" like the birth. Plus he'll get to see how they change and learn and grow in that first year. All things that he is missing with Laney.

So tell me I'm crazy. Tell me I should slow down, or wait. But it doesn't matter. Ima do what Ima do! LOL. And when we have beautiful baby #2, none of how we got there will really matter. (Fingers crossed for a boy people!)

Expectations

Why do I put such high expectations on myself to be so perfect? Does anybody really notice the outcome but me? And then when I do not succeed, I am just left feeling like a failure. What's it all for?

For my second maternity exam I scored an 84%. Many people would be thrilled to get that score, but I am sadly disappointed. After my first score of a 92% on the first test, I had elevated myself to invincible. I walked out of test #2, feeling confident, only to be shot down by the results days later. Why am I even letting myself be upset over this? Isn't it enough to be raising a beautiful daughter (for the time being alone), while in nursing school? Isn't it enough to be passing with a 3.5 GPA. I just need to remind myself that it's not the grades that make the nurse, it's the heart.

I can't wait to see how drastically life is going to change when we get back to California. David is excited about starting college and has been researching Sac State and UC Davis. Trying to figure out if he can be a "transfer" student with the few college courses he is taking now, or if he should just stop taking classes now and apply as a freshman. It's going to be a long haul. Thankfully the Army will pay for most of it, so that will really be helpful.

We're deciding on if we are going to live in the Placerville house, or continue to rent it out and buy/rent another place somewhere closer to school. I'm afraid that if we never move back into the Placerville house, then we will never live there again. David hates the commute, and I don't blame him. But I LOVE that house so much. I really want to fix it up and make it all it can be. Then some day our parents can live there. I never want to sell it. I don't know if that's just a dreamer's dream.

If we live closer to school (and work for me, most likely) then I really want a) land and b) to buy. I HATE not being able to improve upon houses I am living in. Everywhere I live I see the potential of what that house could be, if I changed this, or if I painted that. But when it's not your home, you give up all of those rights.

I guess we'll just have to see how things play out. Until then I'll work on trying to be happy with my B, and not put so much pressure on myself. On a positive note, I worked out at the gym yesterday and plan on continuing on that route until I have a good routine going. Time to really kick this baby fat in the butt!

FAT

I am so ridiculously fat, it's not even funny. I know I had a baby, and that my body has changed, but this is just ridiculous. I'm 6 months postpartum! I started working out a few weeks ago and lost about 8 more lbs, which made me feel really good about myself. I knew I needed to work harder on the "muffin top", but that if I kept at it, it would shrink. I guess, I was feeling a little too confident because I stopped working out all together. Stupid me. We had a week off from school. I had surgery on my wrist, and that just put me out of commission for awhile. I mean, I could still get my ass up onto the treadmill, that doesn't hurt my wrist! I don't know.

David is coming home in a month, and I feel disgusting. I know he'll love me no matter what, but I can't help but have extremely low body image right now. Last night I got in the bathtub, and had it pretty full (laying flat my breasts were submerged). Unfortunately my stomach was sticking out of the water! What the hell is that?! I look 5 months pregnant! HATE this.

It's so hard to find the motivation to get up off my ass and exercise. I'm not a morning person, so that's out of the question. And by the time the end of the day rolls around, all I want to do is veg out on the couch.

I need my trainer here to yell at me! SIGH. I need a plan. I need somewhere outside of the home to work out. I need to get my ass moving and lay off the Chinese food.

parenthood is scary

Being a parent is so scary sometimes. When I'm away from my child, I just can't wait to get back to her. When she is sad, I want her to be happy. When she cries, I want to kiss it and make it all better. I love giving her kisses! If I could permanently attach my lips to her forehead, I think I would. She grows, and changes, and learns, and my heart sings! She looks at new things with excitement and joy. She is trying to figure out the world around her. She is awesome.

But being a parent comes with worry. And I can't help but fear those things that we wish will never happen to our child. What if she breaks something? What if she get's sick? What if I can't protect her? What if something happens to her and I don't get to watch her grow to have her first kiss, graduate from college, get married, have a child of her own?

Being a parent is really amazing and scary all at the same time.

something new every day

Ok, so I realize I'm really terrible at keeping this up to date. I'll do my best.

Laney discovers something new every day. It's really quite amazing, and kind of annoying all at the same time. This week she's discovered the art of squealing. She hasn't decided if she's squealing in delight, or in frustration however, and sometimes flickers from one to the other and back again within seconds. She has also discovered that she has feet. Particularly toes, and likes to try and put them in her mouth whenever possible. Particularly, when I am trying to change her diaper, and need her feet to not be up at her face.

Things with me are the same. I've always persevered through tough times. It's almost as if I enjoy the challenge. I know, I'm crazy. For example, my wrist surgery. I could have waited until my mom was here to help with things. But I decided to have my surgery a full week before she arrives, so that I can learn how to do things while holding a baby and with only one arm. Hrm. And then, because things weren't challenging enough, I decided it was time to re-arrange the living room furniture. With one arm. Silly Alice.

Nursing school is nursing school. I'm finding the maternity section non-challenging, probably because I just lived it not too long ago. 2nd half of this semester is Psych rotation. Joy. Can't wait to hang out with the crazies. Perhaps I'll feel at home. J/K.

David comes home in April for 2 weeks. We are going to try to get pregnant again. Mostly because I love being a mom and can't wait to have more children, but also because I want to see if we can pop one more out on the Army's dime. We lose our Army health insurance in April of 2012, so I'm really hoping that by some act of GOD we get pregnant while he is here. Otherwise we're going to have to wait until I get a stable job in California with good health benefits before we try again. (The reality is that we're not on BC and we'll probably just get pregnant in Nov when he comes home and then we'll have to pay for this kid on our own!) I'm really wanting that baby boy. We'll sell it if it's a girl. Just kidding. ;)

I'm super tired of the snow, and can't wait for things to warm up here. The rain teased us this last week by melting all of the snow. Unfortunately I woke to find several fresh inches this morning. Just in time for mom's arrival tomorrow. I really can't afford to heat this house for much longer. We pay in heat what we pay in rent. That is absurd. Poor Laney's hands were blue today because she was so cold. How terrible of a parent am I?