Saturday, May 28, 2011

Not pleased

Tonight one of my fellow classmates hosted a huge party to celebrate making it through one year of nursing. I, of course, having no other choice, took my daughter. Because she is an awesome child, I knew that it would not be a problem. She did ok, until it was nap time. I've refused to buy a pack-n-play, mostly because I feel like I've made it 8 months without one, I don't need one now! Well, when you're in a strange house, with no crib, and your child needs to nap... a pack-n-play would come in super handy. So I'm trying to get her to fall asleep in her car-seat (which I've strategically put in the master bathroom). The house is not air-conditioned, and it's hot as heck. The master bath is mostly tile, and the coolest place I could find to put her that was quiet.

She slept for a little bit.

I had a few beers. I was not pleased when one of my fellow nursing students (who is only 19, and drinking herself) rudely asks me how I'm getting home. At this point it's 4pm (we've been there for an hour or so and I'm just starting my second beer). She says, "my boyfriend can drive you and your baby home, I don't want you to be irresponsible and drive with your child." Although I appreciate the gesture (actually, I really didn't) I told her thanks but no thanks. 3 or 4 Bud Lights over the time span of 6 hours is not going to do me in. I know enough to stop drinking a few hours before I have to drive home. I'm 30 years old! I can have a beer and not be considered an irresponsible parent! Dang!

But what really makes me not pleased is the fact that I'm so far from home. Nothing would have been better than to take Laney to my mom's and drop her off for the night, so that I could really celebrate the year and not have to run into the house every five minutes to check on my child.

At one point just as I was walking in to check on her, some dude is walking out of the bathroom (presuming he just used it) and I hear a crying baby. Thanks for not waiting for the main guest bathroom dude and waking up my child. Then I found a quiet spot in an upstairs bedroom and tried to get her to go to sleep up there, but she just wasn't having it. So I did the responsible parent thing and went home to put her to bed. What I really wanted to do was play "flip cup" with the rest of my friends. I really wanted a margarita. But I stuck with the crappy Bud Light.

I really want my mom! I want to know that my child is safe somewhere, and that I can go out and enjoy an evening and not have to worry about her.

I can't wait to be back home.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Countdown to HOME

So I officially feel like I am on the countdown to being back in California. By this time next year David and I will be packing up this giant house and hitting the road for HOME. My tenants have agreed to sign the lease for another year, so that is good news for me. Don't have to worry about finding new tenants. Plus with school, I feel like the time is going to go by really quickly. David will be home part way through my next semester, and things are just going to get easier. I hope.

4 more months until my husband is home from this stupid deployment. Things are on track with our savings, and once he is done with his contract with the Army in January 2012 he get's to take February-June off of work and stay home with our daughter. It will be a nice break for him. I've got to put enough into savings so that we can buy a commuter car for David when he gets home (can't drive in the winter on a bike!), live with no income for 6 months, move back to CA, and whatever else comes our way. When all is said and done it's a lot of money. The only good news is that it'll be spring and we wont have to pay too much for heating.

Pregnancy did not happen for us over R & R. SO- we have to do our best to not get pregnant for a few months when he get's back. I've got to think about the timing of it all. If we get pregnant right away then I'll be due in June/July. Which would be awful with no health insurance and I really don't want to drive across the country with 3 dogs, a cat, a 1 and a half year old and a new born. So if we wait to "try" until the spring, then I'll only be a few months pregnant when we move home. That wont be so bad. Plus when I'm interviewing for jobs I wont be busting at the seams and will hopefully get hired more easily.

I think we're just going to head back to CA the second half of June. Then I can fly back to NY to take my boards. I don't know how quickly I'll be able to take the test. I can apply early May, and I'll apply for "first available"- which could be anywhere in the state. So if we move home, then I'll just fly back out to NY and take my state exam. Then I'll transfer it to CA (I think this is going to be easier than trying to take it in CA, but I'll have to look into it further).

I can't believe I'm going to be a nurse. I should have done this 10 years ago. Maybe I should keep going and get my Master in Public Health. Hrm. We'll see. I guess I should let David go to college for a while. ;)

That's what's going on here.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Tomorrow can't come fast enough

So David and I tried to get pregnant while he was home for his 15 day R & R. The timing was perfect and I ovulated right when he was here. Should have been a breeze. Being that I just took maternity nursing, and know all of the time lines for fertilization, implantation, and such, I knew that about 10 days after I ovulated I could ideally take a pregnancy test. This would be about 4 days before my expected period. According to the pregnancy test box, this yields only a 54% accuracy. But one day before the expected period yields a 95% accuracy.

SO. I've been tracking my temperature daily since I quit breastfeeding in February. This is the best way to guess ovulation. I say guess, because it's not an exact science. There is also some mucus evaluation, but for everyone's sake, I wont get into that here. ;) So March to April my cycle was exactly 28 days. Exactly what is average. So here we are now, April to May, and at days 25 (4 days before) and 27 (1 day before) I got two negative pregnancy tests.

Oh well, I tell myself. Not a lot I can really do about that. I mean, I can't make my body get pregnant. So I told my husband about the tests, and psyched myself up for all of the positive things that come with not having a baby for the next 2 years (have to wait until we are back in CA and I have a job! Interviews go a lot better when you're not 9 months pregnant). Emotionally, I was really over it quite quickly. Better to just move on with life, eh? Plus, I was really starting that think that I was crazy for wanting to go through another semester pregnant. Only bonus is that the proposed baby would be due mid-January (when we are on winter break) so I wouldn't have to miss any school!

So come Tuesday night I'm expecting to start my period. Nothing. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I have my nursing final on Friday (that was today) so stress could be a factor here, although I really don't FEEL stressed out, so who knows. Anyways, Tuesday night, nothing. Wednesday night, nothing. THURSDAY night, nothing. It is now, Friday night, and so far, nothing. I told myself that I just wanted to get through this week, and this final, and that if I still hadn't gotten my period by Friday, then I would take a test on Saturday morning. So, there you have it. Tomorrow can't come fast enough.

I'm going to be really confused if it's still negative. This cycle is officially at 31 days, which isn't crazy, but it's long. I guess I should give my body a break. I mean, after all it's only had two periods since December of 2009. It may take a while to get back into a normal rhythm. However, if I AM pregnant after all, it will be a pleasant surprise. I'm thinking about not telling my husband and seeing the look on his face when he comes home in October to a wife 6 months pregnant. Just kidding. I couldn't NOT tell him. I mean, I just told you all of that, and I don't even really know who is reading this! ;) Would be good to know though, so leave a comment, would ya?!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Boredom may possibly kill me

I'm already dreading this summer and the endless days in a row with nothing to do. This next week finishes out my second semester of nursing school. Yeah! After that we have 3 weeks off and then I start a month of summer school. Basically the entire month of June is devoted to Microbiology. Super. After that, it's nearly 7 weeks of utter and complete boredom.

I don't plan on visiting California. Just too much money, and too much of a hassle flying with Laney at this age and worrying about the dogs. But I am thinking about making a road trip to Wisconsin to visit family there for a few weeks. I can take the dogs with me. It's about a 13 hour drive. Then I can show off this cute baby, and see my cousin's new baby, and visit with everyone.

I also could go and visit some friends that moved to Canada a few years ago. That too is about a 13 hour drive. The dogs would have to stay home for that one though.

I started putting in my garden yesterday. Hard work tilling everything up by hand! I'm using the old flower beds on the back of the house. They are made out of railroad ties, and have two tiers. They are completely falling apart, and it's taking all of the strength I have not to hire an excavator and rip the whole thing down and replace it. I'm dying to be back in my own place.

My landlord comes for a visit this Tuesday, and I'm secretly hoping she'll have this magical budget to spend on improving the house for this next year. I can't decide what's at the top of my list. Replacing the carpet upstairs, or both toilets and the blue sink. I think cost wise, the toilet's and sink would be cheaper. I don't know.

Everything has been breaking around here lately. Our drier died a few months ago, but luckily a friend of mine had an extra set of washer/drier when they moved and "loaned" us their drier. Unfortunately that drier has now died. And although we were planning on getting a new washer/drier when we got back to CA, guess we had to move up the timetable a bit. I hate that we are going to have to move them with us back to CA and was hoping we could wait it out and sell the ones we had here and just get new ones there. Guess not.

Now the lawn mower is broken. We bought it off the side of the road for $250, and it's had a good run. It works fine when David is here to replace the belts that brake, etc. I broke a belt day before yesterday, and it's not something I can fix. So the question now is, do I buy a new lawn mower (riding), or do I hire someone to mow my lawn for two summers? I'll have to do the math, but if I'm remembering correctly, the maintenance guys my landlord uses said they charge $30 a week! For that price it's better to just buy our own (but they aren't cheap, and again, I hate moving a giant piece of equipment like that back to CA). ERggg... All of this when I'm desperately trying to save money so that we have income in the 5 months we are stuck here after David get's out of the Army and I have to finish nursing school.

I hope it all works out.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Once again, waiting is not my forte

Waiting to find out if I'm pregnant is killing me. With Clear Blue Easy you can take the test up to four days before your missed period with only a 51% accuracy rate. That day is today. So do I take the test and risk getting disappointed with a negative, only to find out I am pregnant in a few days time? Or what if I really am NOT pregnant??

This is the moment where I need to force myself to sit and reflect upon all of the things in my life that I am thankful for. I am thankful that I already have one child that is beautiful, healthy and amazing (and of course as I type this she starts crying...). I am so thankful to have a wonderful partner in life that appreciates me for my flaws and all! For my friends and for my health, for my mom and my family, for this roof over our heads, and for food on our table. Life could be a heck of a lot worse.

So if we don't get pregnant now, then we'll wait until we get back to CA to start trying. We can't start trying when he is home from Afghanistan, because I do not want to be 9 months pregnant and trying to get a job as a nurse in Ca. I somehow don't think that would go over very well in the interview. So at the worst, Laney will be 3 by the time we have #2. Which is fine. That's what a lot of families do.

I was just trying to "squeeze one more out on the Army's dime". We lose our Army health insurance around February. Thought it would be smart to have one more baby with really good insurance.

The human body is such an amazing thing. I'll be really amazed if I'm not pregnant, because the timing was so perfect... But that's just the way things go. Life, as it may, is out of our control.

So I wait, for now. To see what life may bring us (or not bring us as the case may be).

Monday, April 11, 2011

Should be studying

So it's spring break here. David doesn't arrive to approximately Sunday this week, which means he misses my entire week off. Such is life. I should be studying for my lab practical on Monday morning, but all I can think about it making it to Sunday without going crazy. My lab teacher is letting me test early so that I can hopefully pass and have one less thing off of my plate. We have 3 tries to pass. 5 skills, one of which we draw a card from a hat- and that's what we get tested on. So I have to know all 5! Yikes! Setting up IV, Reconstituting powder medication and adding it to an IV piggyback (and adding that the the regular IV), IM and SubQ injections, foley catheter, and sterile dressing changes. All of us are praying we don't draw IV piggyback, as that's the hardest one with the most steps to mess us. The good news is that my lab instructor really likes me, and I feel like if I started to fumble on something she would walk me through it and pass me anyways. Plus she knows my husband is coming home, and I think she wants to help me out.

Plus, Friday next week we have our first exam. Also should be studying for that. I don't want to. I just want to do well, and not study. Can't life be like that? Jeez.

Not much going on here. The weather is really warming up. Thank God for that. I've been taking the dogs (and kid) out and walking some local trails in town. Still trying to lose this baby weight before I get pregnant again. LOL. Everything has slimmed down and I'm happy with my body, except for my stomach! I don't know what to do, but this extra 5-10 lbs on my stomach that is ROUND and in the shape of a baby, is really annoying. My mother actually told me that I'll probably have to "have some work done" on it after I'm done having kids. Super, just what everyone wants to look forward to in life- liposuction and muscle repair.

OH well. After you have a baby, you kind of learn to accept your new body for what it is. My boobs will never be the same as they were. I have stretch marks on my sides (one OB doc told me that those were my battle scars). And I'm not even going to tell you about my nether region. ;)

Thank God my husband loves me despite all of this.

Here are some pictures of Delaney and I at the sugar shack

Friday, April 1, 2011


So last night I was writing in my diary (the paper one, you know with a real pen) and after I was finished I went back and read a few past entries. I don't write in it very often, so I like to see where I left off and how much things have changed. I'm glad that Heather Thompson gave me this journal so many years ago and stressed to me the importance of writing down my history (I've always kept a journal, but her saying that really hit home with me last night). You forget so easily where you were and how you felt about it. We all move on with our lives.

I've been feeling really guilty for my feelings towards my husband lately. I mean, I still love him, and miss him terribly and want him in my life. But right now I'm OK. I'm actually just fine without him. I don't know if it's the combination of being in nursing school and raising Laney that is keeping me too busy to notice he's gone, or what? (I actually looked down at a pair of his boots the other day and didn't realize they were his, thought a friend maybe left them here after a party. Took me a few minutes to realize that they belonged here and to my husband!) But it's been 6 months without him, and I've moved on. I'm not saying I don't want to be married to him anymore and that it's all over. I'm saying that it scares the hell out of me that I can get up every day and go about my life, and it's as if he were never here. I really have to remind myself most days that I have a husband, that this is temporary, and that he is a part of my life and this child. I don't know,I guess you just get in a zone. You survive the only way you can. I guess if I was sad and crying all of the time because he is gone, then that would not be very healthy or productive (for either myself or for Laney).

But it all just worries me. How are things going to be when he comes home? Is our transition back to the way things were going to be easy? Am I going to be angry at him for interrupting my routine? Can I let go of my control, for him?

So reading my diary last night was probably one of the best things I could have done. It took me back to the beginning. Back to when I first knew that I loved this man, and that my life was forever going to change. Back to the days when we were living in different states, and I was in anguish over being apart. When I couldn't wait to say "I love you" to his face (and then ended up saying it over the phone anyways). Back to the memories of quitting a job that I loved, renting out my house that I loved, and packing up my entire life and moving across the country to be with him. To those early days living in New York, before he deployed- bursting into tears when he said, "I love your kisses" because I knew he was going to be gone for a whole year. Then to our dreams of starting a family. Oh how devastated I was when we didn't get pregnant that first try over R & R. And the joy in finally getting a beautiful baby girl over a year later. This is the man that I fell in love with, and will forever be in love with.

This thing that we're going through, it's just a way of coping. A way of surviving without your other half.