Saturday, April 24, 2010

So angry all the time

I've been finding lately that I've been really angry. At everything. The dogs, David... mostly David. When I was here in 2008, I spent a lot of time being angry and finally came to the conclusion that it stemmed from a lack of control over my life.

When I am home all day and jobless, and all I have to do is plan dinner, I tend to want to control things to make myself feel like I am actually doing something with my life. Then, it was mostly the dogs. Kate began her weird obsession with not wanting to walk on the grass. This makes going to the bathroom when you are a dog extremely difficult. This made me angry beyond belief. Then I would get angry at David for not wanting to eat what I had prepared for dinner. Vegetables, or black beans, or lasagna with ricotta cheese (which apparently is gross). Today it was not wanting to use the brand new omlette pan that I bought him (because his first attempt to use it last weekend failed when he didn't follow the directions and spray it with PAM and the eggs burnt and stuck to the pan. Which now he's convinced will happen every time- OR he could turn the heat down and spray it with PAM- which amazingly worked just fine this am).

Once I determined the source of my anger, I worked really hard on overcoming it. Started counting to 10 a lot and saying "don't get angry over something you can't control". Became my new mantra.

Yet here I am again, jobless and home all of the time and I find myself getting angry. This time mostly at David. I can't help but feel like his brain has permanently turned itself off. I'm really concerned that either a) he just doesn't care, or b) his attention span is that of a 3 year olds (unless he is looking you in the eye, he is not listening).
I tell him something, and then the next day he'll ask me a question regarding that topic- with honestly no idea what the answer is (even though I've told him all about it the day before). This spans from simple things like what are we having for dinner tonight, to complex things like when I have to register for college. It is extremely frustrating to have a partner that you feel like has no interest in anything you are saying.

It doesn't help that I am home all day, and have nothing to do but think up things to do or say or dream about, then to share them with my husband when he walks through the door. It's incredibly offensive when the next day or the next week, he has no idea what I'm talking about.

So I get angry. Lately every time he asks me something I've already told him, I just start yelling at him. It's not healthy for our relationship, and I don't like the road it is taking us down. I really don't know what else to do about it, other than tell him how offensive it is that his memory is this horrible. Does he have any control over his memory? We joke that he needs ginko biloba- but he would most likely forget to take it. It feels so lonely when all you have is your partner (no real friends here to complain to, or go out with)- and you don't really feel like they are listening.

I know if I had a job, and felt like I was contributing to the world in some way, then I wouldn't focus so much on these types of things. So partly, I am to blame here. It's too bad that nursing school will start just as David deploys and I will be left to fend for myself with a new baby. I know I'll thrive with things to juggle. And oddly I'm looking forward to that (yes, I know I'm crazy- but you try sitting around at home for months on end- you'd welcome something to do too!).

Counting to 10 is not going to work with David's memory problems. I'm really going to have to sit down with him and tell him that this upsets me. I don't know how to solve this, and his response of "I can't help it if my memory is bad" is not going to cut it.

*sigh* Everything will be all right.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Why don't men listen?

So I had no plan for dinner last night... well, kind of. My plan was that we'd go out for dinner. But as I cleaned all day and was TIRED, I didn't want to go all the way into town (30 minutes)... BUT there is this little diner near us that we've been meaning to try, so I thought that would do.

But after the boys were out gallivanting all day (and scavengering through people's curbside trash I later learned!) they informed me on their way home that the diner was closed.

I hate this place. NOTHING is open on weekends. It's absolutely ridiculous. Not to mention frustrating.

So David suggests we head over to Theresa, the town next to ours to see if they have a diner. I tell him, and listen, because this is the important part of the story, "Go look up something on the internet, I don't want to drive around aimlessly forever looking for a diner or something that's open."

So he runs upstairs, comes back down 2 minutes later, and says, "ok, found something" and we head out.

Side story: our GPS sucks. Unless you have an actual address of where you are going it is totally useless. Even then it tends to lead us a stray. So here is David using the "points of interest" section of our GPS. Which is basically a tool to list all restaurants near 'current position' or 'near town'. Had I known this was his plan I would have smacked him in the forehead.

The GPS takes us to a bowling alley. There is no "Perry's Diner". I refuse to eat at McGinney's Pub (David is trying to lose weight, bar food is not on the agenda).

So here we are in Theresa, driving around aimlessly. "Let's try this way" (er- down this residential street? What, are we going to knock on someone's door and ask to join them for dinner?).

I become increasing more angry with each street we drive down. "Let's go home", I say.

So my question is, why don't they listen? What part of "I don't want to drive around aimlessly" didn't he get?

Really this is my fault for not giving more detailed directions. When I said go upstairs and Google some restaurants, I also should have said 'and call them to see if they are open- or look for a web page with business hours'.


Sometimes I am a control freak for a reason.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Pessimist is Dead

WARNING THIS BLOG IS PERSONAL AND MAY BE TMI FOR YOU! (but if you know me at all, then you'll understand that this isn't something that I wouldn't share with you over the phone, or in person, so.... well... read on if you will)

So David and I haven't been having a whole lot of sex. I'm pregnant, what can I say. Although he is disappointed because his buddy Dan told him that his wife was a hornball in the second trimester, and David was like "Yeah! Can't wait!"...

I keep telling him if he came home at 2 in the afternoon then we'd be ON! But by 8 or 9pm all I want to do is sleep.

Poor David.

So last Saturday David had to go to a 24 hour duty, but planned to come home for dinner (taco casserole, his favorite). And me being the dutiful wife that I am, thought, "hrm, why don't I throw in some sex too? Poor guy has to work on a Saturday, why not"...

So he comes home, and I start taking his clothes off. He doesn't complain, although he's really wanting some of that taco casserole.

Mid way into our "session" I realize I'm bleeding. Not just a little, a lot. So of course I freak out, and we stop. I jump in the shower- and pass what I consider to be a huge blood clot. (and feel guilty because after all of that David didn't get to "finish"- and well, that was kind of the whole point)

Of course we can't get into the doctor until Monday morning and I'm not going into the ER for this (the bleeding quickly subsided, and I had no further problems the rest of the weekend).

Monday am (have to be there by 8:15am if I want to be seen without an appointment) I drag my poor husband (his one day off and to sleep in) to the doctor to find out that "this is normal" and that it is the equivalent to "skinning your knee" **laugh**. Apparently David "skinned" my cervix, which is more prone to this sort of thing during pregnancy due to increase vasculature in the vagina.

Needless to say I never want to have sex again (but most likely will). Again, poor David.

The problem is that I can't feel the baby move yet. They say not until around 20 weeks. And I know I'm crazy for saying it, but I wish I could feel the baby move! I know in a few weeks I'll be wishing otherwise, but part of me feels like I can't stop worrying when I have a cramp, or whatever 'is the baby ok?'? So as soon as the LPN let me hear that heart beat (and God bless her too, because she let me listen for a good minute or so) I killed the pessimist inside of me.

This baby is going to be just fine. Nothing is going to happen. The baby is going to be perfectly normal (well, as perfectly normal as it can be having David and I as parents).
I guess when you spend so many years searching for "Mr. Right" and wanting to be a mother, one of your biggest fears becomes losing that- or not being able to attain that. So naturally, after the first failed pregnancy- I'm freaking out that my body isn't cut out for pregnancy. Thus the worry and the fear and the crying and the overly emotional crap.

But Monday a light came on and I realized that (thank you FDR) the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. So no more "everything is going to turn out horribly". Time to make the best with what we have and find the positive in everything. Time to be happy that I have a life growing inside of me and ENJOY being pregnant instead of worry about every little thing.

The pessimist is dead!

And I'm pregnant! T -19 days and counting until we find out the sex of the baby.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

LIfe is full of disappointments

So it seems that life is full of disappointments. Who knew?
David came home the other night and said that there was no way he was going to be able to come home in June at all. He was going to have to miss his brother's wedding. Why this devastates me I just don't know. I've been prepping myself for months that this would happen, just so that I was ready for it. But somehow, I really thought the Army would pull through.

And I can't be mad (even though I am), because how are they to know that the one month that we have major plans they are doing a massive and critical training for the deployment to Afghanistan?

Which brings me to another subject. I'm soooo done with the Army. I wish there was some way for David to "quit". Now that it's more than just him and I on the line, I just can't stand having him be gone. We've been lucky thus far this year, and I really shouldn't complain, but I'm dreading him being deployed and missing the entire first year of our first child's life. It really breaks my heart. And I know it breaks his too.

So, looks like I've got to go down to Army headquarters and be the pregnant wife that gives 'em hell. See if I can convince someone to let him at least make it to the wedding. I don't mind that he'll miss my 30th birthday, or our anniversary- But I'm really upset that he can't even be there for the wedding. He's going to try to get a 4 day pass from this training just to make it to the wedding. Unfortunately that's more of something that they do for higher ranking officers and such, so we'll see.

And by the way, I'm really tired of all of the "well that's what you get for marrying a solder" comments on facebook. Like I chose for the love of my life to be a soldier! Jeez people, have a little sympathy.

Oh, and by the way, it's another Saturday, and I'm here alone because David is at a 24 hour duty. It kills me that he puts in all this time and works so hard, and nobody recognizes that. And what's worse is there will soon be a change in command, with a new Captain to impress that has no idea how hard David has been working these last few months and how much he's been covering everyone's asses (whilst people are gone to various trainings, etc). So his 4 day pass request will get looked at with fresh eyes, and most likely a laugh.

We'll see.

On a positive note, the baby is doing well. I will officially be in my 5th month on Monday. I know, right?! Apparently this is a period of rapid growth for the baby, so I should be getting rounder. I seem to have plateaued on my weight gain, and while that's normally good, it frightens me a little bit that I haven't gained a pound a week at this point like they say you should. (although apparently my "legs are looking bigger" according to David- gee thanks honey).

We finally got a baby dresser (two actually). A few people have sent some cute clothes, and my aunt made me a wonderful baby blanket, so things are actually starting to come together.

Three more weeks and we know the sex of the baby.
I've yelled at David for seemingly not having an interest in choosing names. He says he'd like to wait for the list to be half what it is now before he actually puts in his two sense. The two names I'm favoring (boy and girl) he doesn't like at all, so I guess that's that. For some reason my girl list is twice as long as my boy list. Probably means it will be a boy, and I'll have a hard time choosing. Although amazingly we both agree on a boy name that we like- so we'll see if that's the final answer. ;) I'll keep it as a surprise!

I'm dieing to feel this baby move. I swear if I concentrate really hard I feel like I can feel something. I know in a few months I'll be wishing the baby would stop kicking.
People- listen to me now- Don't take your abs for granted! It's amazing how much we use our core and don't even realize it. I'm barely a bump and normal things are so hard to do. I cringe to think how much harder things will get when I'm bigger. It's already hard to put on socks. Sit up from a laying position. Throw a baseball for my dog. Bend over at all. So love your abs you non-pregnant women! Treat them well!

Until next time!
Here's a cute prego pic.

Friday, April 2, 2010


So I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I spend most of my time alone. What does this mean? Well for one, it means that I've really had to learn to like myself.

It's funny because my mom spends the majority of her time alone, and I've always thought- 'no way man!' I hate the relationship that she has with my father. I don't know what's worse, that she stays with him and doesn't get to do all of the things that she enjoys in life, or that she's just given up on trying to want those things.
I always told myself that I would not have a marriage like that. And I don't, really.

David is wonderful. He enjoys a lot of the same things that I do. He's active outside (mostly when I drag him, but once there he always has a great time).
I don't know if I should blame the army or not that he's always gone. I guess we'll see in two years when he's out. And maybe it's just because I'm not working and am home all the time. Time. I have a lot of time on my hands. If I was at work, a large portion of my day would be busy, and I wouldn't be alone. So I guess I'm to blame here for most of it.

But here we are. A beautiful Friday. The weather is finally nice at 75 degrees. I'm actually a little burnt from laying out yesterday. David and the boys have 4 days off for the Easter holiday. And yet, here I am alone. The boys went out 4-wheeling. And I am here alone. The crazy part is that I'm not mad. I'm not mad at him for going and hanging out with the boys. He needs that time. I just find myself sitting in the backyard, not wanting to waste the weather away with TV. Wishing I had a nice cool glass of white wine, and a friend to talk to.

So we learn to survive on our own. We learn to have conversations with our dogs and cats (or for you Anne, inanimate objects and in foreign languages). It makes me wonder, were we meant to be pack animals? Or were we meant to survive on our own?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

For Anne

Apparently I don't blog enough. ;) This one's for you Anne!

SO... uhhhh.... Not much happening here.
The weather is finally warm today. It's so strange. Yesterday it was raining, and I was wearing a sweatshirt. Today it's 75 and I'm in a tank top and short and sunbathing in the "backyard".

Been battling mucus in my sinuses, which has the occasion to give me a super fun headache! Apparently pregnancy increases blood flow to your mucus membranes, hence the stuffy noses.

We have our 16 week ultrasound on Monday and I can't wait to see how much the baby has grown from 10 weeks. I can't help but worry. I know, it's bad for everyone, but gosh! Until I can feel this baby move inside of me (not until about 20 weeks) then I'm gonna worry! At this point the baby gender is distinguishable, but our mid-wife that will be doing our ultrasound on Monday says he's really terrible at determining the sex and that we shouldn't even ask him. I'm going to tell him not to bullshit a bullshitter, I mean, how many years has he been doing this? Come on man, give me something to work with!
Otherwise we have an official appointment with a certified ultrasound tech the first week in May. I can't wait that long! I'm just looking forward to culling down my list of names to one gender.


David's CO told him that his leave request for June will be denied. I guess they have HATs (High Altitude Training) in Colorado in June and nobody is getting leave granted. I guess my birthday, our anniversary and his brothers wedding are not that important to the Army. He thinks they are in two two-week increments and that he can hopefully get assigned to the first one and then make it to Cali by the 16th or so. Just in time for the wedding. We're not worrying the bride and groom yet (we're both in the wedding), as the Army is terrible about making any decisions more than 5 minutes in advance.

David suggested that maybe if he puts in a request for more than 30 days then it will go above his CO to be approved (this is the regular process). He's not sure, but I think it's worth a try.
I told him, "I love you babe, but I'm going to Cali with or without you."

I'm really starting to look pregnant, and silly impatient me just can't wait to be "bigger". Silly I know. I'm just not round enough yet! I want to "look" pregnant. Here's a pic of me below. 15 weeks and 4 days. I've been doing weekly shots of me in my pj's and plan to do time lapse thingy with them. Stay tuned for that at the end! LOL.

Well, the boys have the next 4 days off, and it's supposed to be in the 70's all weekend, so hopefully we can enjoy the out of doors! I need some sun! I'm WHITE!

Until next time!

15 weeks and 4 days

Adam and David wish they were pregnant too! Silly boys!