So last night I was writing in my diary (the paper one, you know with a real pen) and after I was finished I went back and read a few past entries. I don't write in it very often, so I like to see where I left off and how much things have changed. I'm glad that Heather Thompson gave me this journal so many years ago and stressed to me the importance of writing down my history (I've always kept a journal, but her saying that really hit home with me last night). You forget so easily where you were and how you felt about it. We all move on with our lives.
I've been feeling really guilty for my feelings towards my husband lately. I mean, I still love him, and miss him terribly and want him in my life. But right now I'm OK. I'm actually just fine without him. I don't know if it's the combination of being in nursing school and raising Laney that is keeping me too busy to notice he's gone, or what? (I actually looked down at a pair of his boots the other day and didn't realize they were his, thought a friend maybe left them here after a party. Took me a few minutes to realize that they belonged here and to my husband!) But it's been 6 months without him, and I've moved on. I'm not saying I don't want to be married to him anymore and that it's all over. I'm saying that it scares the hell out of me that I can get up every day and go about my life, and it's as if he were never here. I really have to remind myself most days that I have a husband, that this is temporary, and that he is a part of my life and this child. I don't know,I guess you just get in a zone. You survive the only way you can. I guess if I was sad and crying all of the time because he is gone, then that would not be very healthy or productive (for either myself or for Laney).
But it all just worries me. How are things going to be when he comes home? Is our transition back to the way things were going to be easy? Am I going to be angry at him for interrupting my routine? Can I let go of my control, for him?
So reading my diary last night was probably one of the best things I could have done. It took me back to the beginning. Back to when I first knew that I loved this man, and that my life was forever going to change. Back to the days when we were living in different states, and I was in anguish over being apart. When I couldn't wait to say "I love you" to his face (and then ended up saying it over the phone anyways). Back to the memories of quitting a job that I loved, renting out my house that I loved, and packing up my entire life and moving across the country to be with him. To those early days living in New York, before he deployed- bursting into tears when he said, "I love your kisses" because I knew he was going to be gone for a whole year. Then to our dreams of starting a family. Oh how devastated I was when we didn't get pregnant that first try over R & R. And the joy in finally getting a beautiful baby girl over a year later. This is the man that I fell in love with, and will forever be in love with.
This thing that we're going through, it's just a way of coping. A way of surviving without your other half.