Tuesday, March 15, 2011


Why do I put such high expectations on myself to be so perfect? Does anybody really notice the outcome but me? And then when I do not succeed, I am just left feeling like a failure. What's it all for?

For my second maternity exam I scored an 84%. Many people would be thrilled to get that score, but I am sadly disappointed. After my first score of a 92% on the first test, I had elevated myself to invincible. I walked out of test #2, feeling confident, only to be shot down by the results days later. Why am I even letting myself be upset over this? Isn't it enough to be raising a beautiful daughter (for the time being alone), while in nursing school? Isn't it enough to be passing with a 3.5 GPA. I just need to remind myself that it's not the grades that make the nurse, it's the heart.

I can't wait to see how drastically life is going to change when we get back to California. David is excited about starting college and has been researching Sac State and UC Davis. Trying to figure out if he can be a "transfer" student with the few college courses he is taking now, or if he should just stop taking classes now and apply as a freshman. It's going to be a long haul. Thankfully the Army will pay for most of it, so that will really be helpful.

We're deciding on if we are going to live in the Placerville house, or continue to rent it out and buy/rent another place somewhere closer to school. I'm afraid that if we never move back into the Placerville house, then we will never live there again. David hates the commute, and I don't blame him. But I LOVE that house so much. I really want to fix it up and make it all it can be. Then some day our parents can live there. I never want to sell it. I don't know if that's just a dreamer's dream.

If we live closer to school (and work for me, most likely) then I really want a) land and b) to buy. I HATE not being able to improve upon houses I am living in. Everywhere I live I see the potential of what that house could be, if I changed this, or if I painted that. But when it's not your home, you give up all of those rights.

I guess we'll just have to see how things play out. Until then I'll work on trying to be happy with my B, and not put so much pressure on myself. On a positive note, I worked out at the gym yesterday and plan on continuing on that route until I have a good routine going. Time to really kick this baby fat in the butt!

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