So David and I keep getting into the same argument about where to move come August. I've been accepted to SUNY Canton nursing program, and am scheduled to start August 25th. My mental plan was to move up to Canton come early August, get settled and then start school. I do not want to be commuting an hour 9 months pregnant! Not to mention, once David is deployed, I don't want to commute an hour with a newborn (one way) 3 days a week....
So David's argument is that he has to commute to work for 2 months before deployment, and doesn't want to travel 2 hours a day. His solution is that we live just outside of Canton, a bit closer to the base. The only problem with this solution, is that there really isn't anything just outside Canton, closer to base. The next closest town is 18 minutes (DeKalb- not a lot there), then 30 minutes (Gouverneur, a bit bigger than where we live now with more housing options)...
I am frustrated because he is not willing to sacrifice commuting 2 hours a day for 2 months so that I don't have to commute more than 10 minutes for the year he is gone (we're not going to move twice).
The second problem is apartment living versus home living. We now live in a 4-plex that is housed in a large community. Rules, Rules, Rules. No privacy. No private yard. I've been spoiled by land these last few years. First with my property in Placerville, then with the house we rented in Carthage, NY. It's a blessing to be able to open a door, let your dogs out, and not worry about 1) them getting hit by a car 2) other people/dogs to attack 3) not having to pick up feces either at all or right away... Here they are on the leash, or on the shock collar all the time, and I've got a poop bag in hand ready to pick it up at any given moment. Not to mention Caleb and Chewy are always the tough guys when it comes to other people and other dogs around. Then I look like an asshole with mean dogs that are not leashed. *sigh*
My point being, I'd love to rent a HOUSE near Canton. Something with our own yard and some privacy. Especially once the baby comes, I don't want to have to worry about toting a baby and two dogs (Chewy get's to stay in California for the next 2 years! Thanks mom!). The problem is, I'm not finding anything on Craigslist or in the local newspapers that isn't an apartment. Plus we don't want to move until August- so it's a bit early to be searching anyways. But, I'm trying to answer questions that can't be answered just yet, and it's all very frustrating.
My tenants in Placerville just gave me notice, which means if I don't find renters for that house then we are going to be seriously strapped for money come the fall. David is all concerned about how are we going to pay rent and a mortgage and childcare, etc. Plus we only have one vehicle, so once I start school, and he's still here- we're going to need a second mode of transportation. The plan was to get a motorcycle for him to commute on- but now with my tenants moving out, I have to use all of the money we've saved over the last few months to pay them back their deposit, replace the carpet, and now pay the mortgage. This leaves no money for a motorcycle, and no clue as to how we're going to solve that problem.
I'm confident that everything will work out. I know that sounds really optimistic, but I can't sit here and worry about things I can't control. I'm hopeful that I'll find a renter quickly, and that we wont have to supplement that mortgage. This will solve most of the problems.
I've also looked at google maps and towns closer to base. The next closest town from Canton with housing options is Gouverneur. Which would be a 30 minute commute to college for me. Not terrible. I may be willing to sacrifice living in Canton and having a 5 minute commute for my husbands convenience for a few months. We'll see. Plus we know a couple that lives in Gouverneur, so maybe David can carpool those two months? Hrmmmm...
We'll just have to see how things work out.
I'm getting ready to drive to California this weekend. I leave on Sunday morning, head to Sandusky, Ohio. Stay the night there and then head to Des Moines, Iowa where I'll stay with my friend Liz for a night. Then I pick up Anne and we start the journey homeward! I'm grateful that Anne just happens to be visiting friends in Iowa that weekend, and is willing to take an extra week off to help me make the journey with 3 dogs and a cat. Normally I wouldn't complain, but I am nervous about driving for 10+ hours a day being 6 months pregnant. This week my back has decided that it doesn't really know how to handle my growing belly and thus is making it incredibly difficult for me to sleep/move/sit up/bend/turn/etc. I'm hoping that come Sunday it is feeling better than it has been these last few days.
It's frustrating not being able to do things I'm normally capable of- like pick up things that weigh more than 25 lbs. I'm praying that my property in Placerville doesn't have a lot of work that needs to be done, as I'm going to need a lot of help doing it! (For example, I am going to replace the carpet downstairs, but want to rip out the old and paint the plywood underneath with a stain and odor sealant before the carpet is installed. This means I have to rip out the old carpet and pad myself and get it painted/dry before the carpet installers come. Normally, not a big deal. But 6 months prego and I'm gonna need help pulling and yanking out carpet, cutting it up, loading it into a truck and hauling to the dump... So anyone that wants to help me do this on Sunday, June 13th, please let me know! lol)
Well, that being said, I guess it's time to go waterproof the tent and rain-fly before it gets too hot here.
Oh, and anyone that wants to come to NY between October 1-15th to help watch the baby while David is at work and I'm in school would be awesome. Just something to think about. Really we only need help Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday those two weeks, so you wouldn't have to come the whole time. ;) David's paternity leave will most likely only get us up through Oct 1st, and my mom doesn't come out until October 15th, so we have a bit of a situation there in between.... *sigh*
Until next time!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Breakdown
Ok, so it was bound to happen at some point, and most likely will happen again. Today I had an utter and complete breakdown. Last night as we were getting ready for bed, David and I got into a silly argument and I stormed off downstairs to sleep on the couch. For one it was hotter than heck upstairs, so the cool breeze downstairs was welcoming. And really, I don't even know what I was mad about. I think most likely I was anxious about my 20 week appointment.
Even though I thought I killed the pessimist weeks ago, I guess I didn't, because these last few days have been filled with "what if something is wrong". I'm still not feeling any movement, and this still scares the heck out of me. Having to go a month without seeing your baby move on the monitor is torture. I had no idea if "baby" was still thriving in there. So you brain starts to work overtime. I just kept having images of us in the ultrasound and either a) the baby is not moving at all, or b) something is not where it's supposed to be- like it's organs on the outside or something!
So I slept, or rather didn't sleep, on the couch. David ignored my tantrum, which in hindsight is the last thing he should have done and the last thing I needed was to be ignored. And this am, I just lost it. Sobbed and sobbed. Couldn't hold it together. I was a total mess. And I knew I needed to calm down, I knew the stress is bad for the baby. But I couldn't even breath!
But once we were in that room, and within 3 seconds of that wand going onto my stomach, I could see that baby moving, and all of it went away. The first thing I said was, "Man, I wish we could get one of these for the house, I'd do this every day!" Perhaps I should just invest in one of those heart monitors (you can actually hear the baby's heart beat for like $50 for the little machine- but I have no idea how well they work).
This week the baby is the length of a banana and nearly 6 ounces. We're officially at the half way mark. Everything is where it's supposed to be. And it's a GIRL!
I jinxed it this morning by saying that I hope it's a boy so that I can have a little version of David to love while he is gone this next year. I guess it will still be a little version of David, just minus a few parts, and plus a few others.
I'm petrified of having to do this first year on my own. I hate this place, and feel so lonely all of the time. All I have here is David, and knowing that he is leaving and I will be stuck here is slowly eating away at me. I know I should suck it up, but it's easier to deal with a deployment when you have your mom near by, or friends to distract you. Here I just have the dogs and Sophie (whose newest fascination is her own reflection in pictures- such a weirdo). I know that school will bring an added distraction, and I am looking forward to that, and hopefully the friends I will make. Let's just pray they are not all 18 year old kids (the college is really geared toward new HS grads).
I fill my days with plans for the future. I live my life from one goal to the next. It helps me get by. It's what I need to do. Less than a month to go and I'll be on my way to California. I can't wait to spend my days lounging in the Yount's pool, having lunch with friends, and shopping. Then the baby will come, David will leave, my mom will come and stay for a month. Then before I know it, it will be Christmas time, and I'll be home again. I've decided that I'll most likely spend a month at home for Christmas, and then once the spring semester is over I'll spend the entire summer home. No point in being in NY alone for 3 empty months. Then once my fall semester starts up, it will only be 2 short months until David is home and his Army career will be coming to an end. I can see the end in sight! We'll be home for good before we know it!
I should finish school in June of 2012 (yikes, sounds like forever when you see the number). Then we're homeward bound. I really can't wait to be back in my house. David and I have been dreaming up all kinds of remodel projects to do on it. And he'll get to start school and I'll land some cushy nursing job, and all will be well.
And then they lived happily ever after. Just got to hang on and keep moving. One day at a time.
Even though I thought I killed the pessimist weeks ago, I guess I didn't, because these last few days have been filled with "what if something is wrong". I'm still not feeling any movement, and this still scares the heck out of me. Having to go a month without seeing your baby move on the monitor is torture. I had no idea if "baby" was still thriving in there. So you brain starts to work overtime. I just kept having images of us in the ultrasound and either a) the baby is not moving at all, or b) something is not where it's supposed to be- like it's organs on the outside or something!
So I slept, or rather didn't sleep, on the couch. David ignored my tantrum, which in hindsight is the last thing he should have done and the last thing I needed was to be ignored. And this am, I just lost it. Sobbed and sobbed. Couldn't hold it together. I was a total mess. And I knew I needed to calm down, I knew the stress is bad for the baby. But I couldn't even breath!
But once we were in that room, and within 3 seconds of that wand going onto my stomach, I could see that baby moving, and all of it went away. The first thing I said was, "Man, I wish we could get one of these for the house, I'd do this every day!" Perhaps I should just invest in one of those heart monitors (you can actually hear the baby's heart beat for like $50 for the little machine- but I have no idea how well they work).
This week the baby is the length of a banana and nearly 6 ounces. We're officially at the half way mark. Everything is where it's supposed to be. And it's a GIRL!
I jinxed it this morning by saying that I hope it's a boy so that I can have a little version of David to love while he is gone this next year. I guess it will still be a little version of David, just minus a few parts, and plus a few others.
I'm petrified of having to do this first year on my own. I hate this place, and feel so lonely all of the time. All I have here is David, and knowing that he is leaving and I will be stuck here is slowly eating away at me. I know I should suck it up, but it's easier to deal with a deployment when you have your mom near by, or friends to distract you. Here I just have the dogs and Sophie (whose newest fascination is her own reflection in pictures- such a weirdo). I know that school will bring an added distraction, and I am looking forward to that, and hopefully the friends I will make. Let's just pray they are not all 18 year old kids (the college is really geared toward new HS grads).
I fill my days with plans for the future. I live my life from one goal to the next. It helps me get by. It's what I need to do. Less than a month to go and I'll be on my way to California. I can't wait to spend my days lounging in the Yount's pool, having lunch with friends, and shopping. Then the baby will come, David will leave, my mom will come and stay for a month. Then before I know it, it will be Christmas time, and I'll be home again. I've decided that I'll most likely spend a month at home for Christmas, and then once the spring semester is over I'll spend the entire summer home. No point in being in NY alone for 3 empty months. Then once my fall semester starts up, it will only be 2 short months until David is home and his Army career will be coming to an end. I can see the end in sight! We'll be home for good before we know it!
I should finish school in June of 2012 (yikes, sounds like forever when you see the number). Then we're homeward bound. I really can't wait to be back in my house. David and I have been dreaming up all kinds of remodel projects to do on it. And he'll get to start school and I'll land some cushy nursing job, and all will be well.
And then they lived happily ever after. Just got to hang on and keep moving. One day at a time.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
So angry all the time
I've been finding lately that I've been really angry. At everything. The dogs, David... mostly David. When I was here in 2008, I spent a lot of time being angry and finally came to the conclusion that it stemmed from a lack of control over my life.
When I am home all day and jobless, and all I have to do is plan dinner, I tend to want to control things to make myself feel like I am actually doing something with my life. Then, it was mostly the dogs. Kate began her weird obsession with not wanting to walk on the grass. This makes going to the bathroom when you are a dog extremely difficult. This made me angry beyond belief. Then I would get angry at David for not wanting to eat what I had prepared for dinner. Vegetables, or black beans, or lasagna with ricotta cheese (which apparently is gross). Today it was not wanting to use the brand new omlette pan that I bought him (because his first attempt to use it last weekend failed when he didn't follow the directions and spray it with PAM and the eggs burnt and stuck to the pan. Which now he's convinced will happen every time- OR he could turn the heat down and spray it with PAM- which amazingly worked just fine this am).
Once I determined the source of my anger, I worked really hard on overcoming it. Started counting to 10 a lot and saying "don't get angry over something you can't control". Became my new mantra.
Yet here I am again, jobless and home all of the time and I find myself getting angry. This time mostly at David. I can't help but feel like his brain has permanently turned itself off. I'm really concerned that either a) he just doesn't care, or b) his attention span is that of a 3 year olds (unless he is looking you in the eye, he is not listening).
I tell him something, and then the next day he'll ask me a question regarding that topic- with honestly no idea what the answer is (even though I've told him all about it the day before). This spans from simple things like what are we having for dinner tonight, to complex things like when I have to register for college. It is extremely frustrating to have a partner that you feel like has no interest in anything you are saying.
It doesn't help that I am home all day, and have nothing to do but think up things to do or say or dream about, then to share them with my husband when he walks through the door. It's incredibly offensive when the next day or the next week, he has no idea what I'm talking about.
So I get angry. Lately every time he asks me something I've already told him, I just start yelling at him. It's not healthy for our relationship, and I don't like the road it is taking us down. I really don't know what else to do about it, other than tell him how offensive it is that his memory is this horrible. Does he have any control over his memory? We joke that he needs ginko biloba- but he would most likely forget to take it. It feels so lonely when all you have is your partner (no real friends here to complain to, or go out with)- and you don't really feel like they are listening.
I know if I had a job, and felt like I was contributing to the world in some way, then I wouldn't focus so much on these types of things. So partly, I am to blame here. It's too bad that nursing school will start just as David deploys and I will be left to fend for myself with a new baby. I know I'll thrive with things to juggle. And oddly I'm looking forward to that (yes, I know I'm crazy- but you try sitting around at home for months on end- you'd welcome something to do too!).
Counting to 10 is not going to work with David's memory problems. I'm really going to have to sit down with him and tell him that this upsets me. I don't know how to solve this, and his response of "I can't help it if my memory is bad" is not going to cut it.
*sigh* Everything will be all right.
When I am home all day and jobless, and all I have to do is plan dinner, I tend to want to control things to make myself feel like I am actually doing something with my life. Then, it was mostly the dogs. Kate began her weird obsession with not wanting to walk on the grass. This makes going to the bathroom when you are a dog extremely difficult. This made me angry beyond belief. Then I would get angry at David for not wanting to eat what I had prepared for dinner. Vegetables, or black beans, or lasagna with ricotta cheese (which apparently is gross). Today it was not wanting to use the brand new omlette pan that I bought him (because his first attempt to use it last weekend failed when he didn't follow the directions and spray it with PAM and the eggs burnt and stuck to the pan. Which now he's convinced will happen every time- OR he could turn the heat down and spray it with PAM- which amazingly worked just fine this am).
Once I determined the source of my anger, I worked really hard on overcoming it. Started counting to 10 a lot and saying "don't get angry over something you can't control". Became my new mantra.
Yet here I am again, jobless and home all of the time and I find myself getting angry. This time mostly at David. I can't help but feel like his brain has permanently turned itself off. I'm really concerned that either a) he just doesn't care, or b) his attention span is that of a 3 year olds (unless he is looking you in the eye, he is not listening).
I tell him something, and then the next day he'll ask me a question regarding that topic- with honestly no idea what the answer is (even though I've told him all about it the day before). This spans from simple things like what are we having for dinner tonight, to complex things like when I have to register for college. It is extremely frustrating to have a partner that you feel like has no interest in anything you are saying.
It doesn't help that I am home all day, and have nothing to do but think up things to do or say or dream about, then to share them with my husband when he walks through the door. It's incredibly offensive when the next day or the next week, he has no idea what I'm talking about.
So I get angry. Lately every time he asks me something I've already told him, I just start yelling at him. It's not healthy for our relationship, and I don't like the road it is taking us down. I really don't know what else to do about it, other than tell him how offensive it is that his memory is this horrible. Does he have any control over his memory? We joke that he needs ginko biloba- but he would most likely forget to take it. It feels so lonely when all you have is your partner (no real friends here to complain to, or go out with)- and you don't really feel like they are listening.
I know if I had a job, and felt like I was contributing to the world in some way, then I wouldn't focus so much on these types of things. So partly, I am to blame here. It's too bad that nursing school will start just as David deploys and I will be left to fend for myself with a new baby. I know I'll thrive with things to juggle. And oddly I'm looking forward to that (yes, I know I'm crazy- but you try sitting around at home for months on end- you'd welcome something to do too!).
Counting to 10 is not going to work with David's memory problems. I'm really going to have to sit down with him and tell him that this upsets me. I don't know how to solve this, and his response of "I can't help it if my memory is bad" is not going to cut it.
*sigh* Everything will be all right.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Why don't men listen?
So I had no plan for dinner last night... well, kind of. My plan was that we'd go out for dinner. But as I cleaned all day and was TIRED, I didn't want to go all the way into town (30 minutes)... BUT there is this little diner near us that we've been meaning to try, so I thought that would do.
But after the boys were out gallivanting all day (and scavengering through people's curbside trash I later learned!) they informed me on their way home that the diner was closed.
I hate this place. NOTHING is open on weekends. It's absolutely ridiculous. Not to mention frustrating.
So David suggests we head over to Theresa, the town next to ours to see if they have a diner. I tell him, and listen, because this is the important part of the story, "Go look up something on the internet, I don't want to drive around aimlessly forever looking for a diner or something that's open."
So he runs upstairs, comes back down 2 minutes later, and says, "ok, found something" and we head out.
Side story: our GPS sucks. Unless you have an actual address of where you are going it is totally useless. Even then it tends to lead us a stray. So here is David using the "points of interest" section of our GPS. Which is basically a tool to list all restaurants near 'current position' or 'near town'. Had I known this was his plan I would have smacked him in the forehead.
The GPS takes us to a bowling alley. There is no "Perry's Diner". I refuse to eat at McGinney's Pub (David is trying to lose weight, bar food is not on the agenda).
So here we are in Theresa, driving around aimlessly. "Let's try this way" (er- down this residential street? What, are we going to knock on someone's door and ask to join them for dinner?).
I become increasing more angry with each street we drive down. "Let's go home", I say.
So my question is, why don't they listen? What part of "I don't want to drive around aimlessly" didn't he get?
Really this is my fault for not giving more detailed directions. When I said go upstairs and Google some restaurants, I also should have said 'and call them to see if they are open- or look for a web page with business hours'.
*sigh*
Sometimes I am a control freak for a reason.
But after the boys were out gallivanting all day (and scavengering through people's curbside trash I later learned!) they informed me on their way home that the diner was closed.
I hate this place. NOTHING is open on weekends. It's absolutely ridiculous. Not to mention frustrating.
So David suggests we head over to Theresa, the town next to ours to see if they have a diner. I tell him, and listen, because this is the important part of the story, "Go look up something on the internet, I don't want to drive around aimlessly forever looking for a diner or something that's open."
So he runs upstairs, comes back down 2 minutes later, and says, "ok, found something" and we head out.
Side story: our GPS sucks. Unless you have an actual address of where you are going it is totally useless. Even then it tends to lead us a stray. So here is David using the "points of interest" section of our GPS. Which is basically a tool to list all restaurants near 'current position' or 'near town'. Had I known this was his plan I would have smacked him in the forehead.
The GPS takes us to a bowling alley. There is no "Perry's Diner". I refuse to eat at McGinney's Pub (David is trying to lose weight, bar food is not on the agenda).
So here we are in Theresa, driving around aimlessly. "Let's try this way" (er- down this residential street? What, are we going to knock on someone's door and ask to join them for dinner?).
I become increasing more angry with each street we drive down. "Let's go home", I say.
So my question is, why don't they listen? What part of "I don't want to drive around aimlessly" didn't he get?
Really this is my fault for not giving more detailed directions. When I said go upstairs and Google some restaurants, I also should have said 'and call them to see if they are open- or look for a web page with business hours'.
*sigh*
Sometimes I am a control freak for a reason.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The Pessimist is Dead
WARNING THIS BLOG IS PERSONAL AND MAY BE TMI FOR YOU! (but if you know me at all, then you'll understand that this isn't something that I wouldn't share with you over the phone, or in person, so.... well... read on if you will)
So David and I haven't been having a whole lot of sex. I'm pregnant, what can I say. Although he is disappointed because his buddy Dan told him that his wife was a hornball in the second trimester, and David was like "Yeah! Can't wait!"...
I keep telling him if he came home at 2 in the afternoon then we'd be ON! But by 8 or 9pm all I want to do is sleep.
Poor David.
So last Saturday David had to go to a 24 hour duty, but planned to come home for dinner (taco casserole, his favorite). And me being the dutiful wife that I am, thought, "hrm, why don't I throw in some sex too? Poor guy has to work on a Saturday, why not"...
So he comes home, and I start taking his clothes off. He doesn't complain, although he's really wanting some of that taco casserole.
Mid way into our "session" I realize I'm bleeding. Not just a little, a lot. So of course I freak out, and we stop. I jump in the shower- and pass what I consider to be a huge blood clot. (and feel guilty because after all of that David didn't get to "finish"- and well, that was kind of the whole point)
Of course we can't get into the doctor until Monday morning and I'm not going into the ER for this (the bleeding quickly subsided, and I had no further problems the rest of the weekend).
Monday am (have to be there by 8:15am if I want to be seen without an appointment) I drag my poor husband (his one day off and to sleep in) to the doctor to find out that "this is normal" and that it is the equivalent to "skinning your knee" **laugh**. Apparently David "skinned" my cervix, which is more prone to this sort of thing during pregnancy due to increase vasculature in the vagina.
Needless to say I never want to have sex again (but most likely will). Again, poor David.
The problem is that I can't feel the baby move yet. They say not until around 20 weeks. And I know I'm crazy for saying it, but I wish I could feel the baby move! I know in a few weeks I'll be wishing otherwise, but part of me feels like I can't stop worrying when I have a cramp, or whatever 'is the baby ok?'? So as soon as the LPN let me hear that heart beat (and God bless her too, because she let me listen for a good minute or so) I killed the pessimist inside of me.
This baby is going to be just fine. Nothing is going to happen. The baby is going to be perfectly normal (well, as perfectly normal as it can be having David and I as parents).
I guess when you spend so many years searching for "Mr. Right" and wanting to be a mother, one of your biggest fears becomes losing that- or not being able to attain that. So naturally, after the first failed pregnancy- I'm freaking out that my body isn't cut out for pregnancy. Thus the worry and the fear and the crying and the overly emotional crap.
But Monday a light came on and I realized that (thank you FDR) the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. So no more "everything is going to turn out horribly". Time to make the best with what we have and find the positive in everything. Time to be happy that I have a life growing inside of me and ENJOY being pregnant instead of worry about every little thing.
The pessimist is dead!
And I'm pregnant! T -19 days and counting until we find out the sex of the baby.
So David and I haven't been having a whole lot of sex. I'm pregnant, what can I say. Although he is disappointed because his buddy Dan told him that his wife was a hornball in the second trimester, and David was like "Yeah! Can't wait!"...
I keep telling him if he came home at 2 in the afternoon then we'd be ON! But by 8 or 9pm all I want to do is sleep.
Poor David.
So last Saturday David had to go to a 24 hour duty, but planned to come home for dinner (taco casserole, his favorite). And me being the dutiful wife that I am, thought, "hrm, why don't I throw in some sex too? Poor guy has to work on a Saturday, why not"...
So he comes home, and I start taking his clothes off. He doesn't complain, although he's really wanting some of that taco casserole.
Mid way into our "session" I realize I'm bleeding. Not just a little, a lot. So of course I freak out, and we stop. I jump in the shower- and pass what I consider to be a huge blood clot. (and feel guilty because after all of that David didn't get to "finish"- and well, that was kind of the whole point)
Of course we can't get into the doctor until Monday morning and I'm not going into the ER for this (the bleeding quickly subsided, and I had no further problems the rest of the weekend).
Monday am (have to be there by 8:15am if I want to be seen without an appointment) I drag my poor husband (his one day off and to sleep in) to the doctor to find out that "this is normal" and that it is the equivalent to "skinning your knee" **laugh**. Apparently David "skinned" my cervix, which is more prone to this sort of thing during pregnancy due to increase vasculature in the vagina.
Needless to say I never want to have sex again (but most likely will). Again, poor David.
The problem is that I can't feel the baby move yet. They say not until around 20 weeks. And I know I'm crazy for saying it, but I wish I could feel the baby move! I know in a few weeks I'll be wishing otherwise, but part of me feels like I can't stop worrying when I have a cramp, or whatever 'is the baby ok?'? So as soon as the LPN let me hear that heart beat (and God bless her too, because she let me listen for a good minute or so) I killed the pessimist inside of me.
This baby is going to be just fine. Nothing is going to happen. The baby is going to be perfectly normal (well, as perfectly normal as it can be having David and I as parents).
I guess when you spend so many years searching for "Mr. Right" and wanting to be a mother, one of your biggest fears becomes losing that- or not being able to attain that. So naturally, after the first failed pregnancy- I'm freaking out that my body isn't cut out for pregnancy. Thus the worry and the fear and the crying and the overly emotional crap.
But Monday a light came on and I realized that (thank you FDR) the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. So no more "everything is going to turn out horribly". Time to make the best with what we have and find the positive in everything. Time to be happy that I have a life growing inside of me and ENJOY being pregnant instead of worry about every little thing.
The pessimist is dead!
And I'm pregnant! T -19 days and counting until we find out the sex of the baby.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
LIfe is full of disappointments
So it seems that life is full of disappointments. Who knew?
David came home the other night and said that there was no way he was going to be able to come home in June at all. He was going to have to miss his brother's wedding. Why this devastates me I just don't know. I've been prepping myself for months that this would happen, just so that I was ready for it. But somehow, I really thought the Army would pull through.
And I can't be mad (even though I am), because how are they to know that the one month that we have major plans they are doing a massive and critical training for the deployment to Afghanistan?
Which brings me to another subject. I'm soooo done with the Army. I wish there was some way for David to "quit". Now that it's more than just him and I on the line, I just can't stand having him be gone. We've been lucky thus far this year, and I really shouldn't complain, but I'm dreading him being deployed and missing the entire first year of our first child's life. It really breaks my heart. And I know it breaks his too.
So, looks like I've got to go down to Army headquarters and be the pregnant wife that gives 'em hell. See if I can convince someone to let him at least make it to the wedding. I don't mind that he'll miss my 30th birthday, or our anniversary- But I'm really upset that he can't even be there for the wedding. He's going to try to get a 4 day pass from this training just to make it to the wedding. Unfortunately that's more of something that they do for higher ranking officers and such, so we'll see.
And by the way, I'm really tired of all of the "well that's what you get for marrying a solder" comments on facebook. Like I chose for the love of my life to be a soldier! Jeez people, have a little sympathy.
Oh, and by the way, it's another Saturday, and I'm here alone because David is at a 24 hour duty. It kills me that he puts in all this time and works so hard, and nobody recognizes that. And what's worse is there will soon be a change in command, with a new Captain to impress that has no idea how hard David has been working these last few months and how much he's been covering everyone's asses (whilst people are gone to various trainings, etc). So his 4 day pass request will get looked at with fresh eyes, and most likely a laugh.
We'll see.
On a positive note, the baby is doing well. I will officially be in my 5th month on Monday. I know, right?! Apparently this is a period of rapid growth for the baby, so I should be getting rounder. I seem to have plateaued on my weight gain, and while that's normally good, it frightens me a little bit that I haven't gained a pound a week at this point like they say you should. (although apparently my "legs are looking bigger" according to David- gee thanks honey).
We finally got a baby dresser (two actually). A few people have sent some cute clothes, and my aunt made me a wonderful baby blanket, so things are actually starting to come together.
Three more weeks and we know the sex of the baby.
I've yelled at David for seemingly not having an interest in choosing names. He says he'd like to wait for the list to be half what it is now before he actually puts in his two sense. The two names I'm favoring (boy and girl) he doesn't like at all, so I guess that's that. For some reason my girl list is twice as long as my boy list. Probably means it will be a boy, and I'll have a hard time choosing. Although amazingly we both agree on a boy name that we like- so we'll see if that's the final answer. ;) I'll keep it as a surprise!
I'm dieing to feel this baby move. I swear if I concentrate really hard I feel like I can feel something. I know in a few months I'll be wishing the baby would stop kicking.
People- listen to me now- Don't take your abs for granted! It's amazing how much we use our core and don't even realize it. I'm barely a bump and normal things are so hard to do. I cringe to think how much harder things will get when I'm bigger. It's already hard to put on socks. Sit up from a laying position. Throw a baseball for my dog. Bend over at all. So love your abs you non-pregnant women! Treat them well!
Until next time!
Here's a cute prego pic.
David came home the other night and said that there was no way he was going to be able to come home in June at all. He was going to have to miss his brother's wedding. Why this devastates me I just don't know. I've been prepping myself for months that this would happen, just so that I was ready for it. But somehow, I really thought the Army would pull through.
And I can't be mad (even though I am), because how are they to know that the one month that we have major plans they are doing a massive and critical training for the deployment to Afghanistan?
Which brings me to another subject. I'm soooo done with the Army. I wish there was some way for David to "quit". Now that it's more than just him and I on the line, I just can't stand having him be gone. We've been lucky thus far this year, and I really shouldn't complain, but I'm dreading him being deployed and missing the entire first year of our first child's life. It really breaks my heart. And I know it breaks his too.
So, looks like I've got to go down to Army headquarters and be the pregnant wife that gives 'em hell. See if I can convince someone to let him at least make it to the wedding. I don't mind that he'll miss my 30th birthday, or our anniversary- But I'm really upset that he can't even be there for the wedding. He's going to try to get a 4 day pass from this training just to make it to the wedding. Unfortunately that's more of something that they do for higher ranking officers and such, so we'll see.
And by the way, I'm really tired of all of the "well that's what you get for marrying a solder" comments on facebook. Like I chose for the love of my life to be a soldier! Jeez people, have a little sympathy.
Oh, and by the way, it's another Saturday, and I'm here alone because David is at a 24 hour duty. It kills me that he puts in all this time and works so hard, and nobody recognizes that. And what's worse is there will soon be a change in command, with a new Captain to impress that has no idea how hard David has been working these last few months and how much he's been covering everyone's asses (whilst people are gone to various trainings, etc). So his 4 day pass request will get looked at with fresh eyes, and most likely a laugh.
We'll see.
On a positive note, the baby is doing well. I will officially be in my 5th month on Monday. I know, right?! Apparently this is a period of rapid growth for the baby, so I should be getting rounder. I seem to have plateaued on my weight gain, and while that's normally good, it frightens me a little bit that I haven't gained a pound a week at this point like they say you should. (although apparently my "legs are looking bigger" according to David- gee thanks honey).
We finally got a baby dresser (two actually). A few people have sent some cute clothes, and my aunt made me a wonderful baby blanket, so things are actually starting to come together.
Three more weeks and we know the sex of the baby.
I've yelled at David for seemingly not having an interest in choosing names. He says he'd like to wait for the list to be half what it is now before he actually puts in his two sense. The two names I'm favoring (boy and girl) he doesn't like at all, so I guess that's that. For some reason my girl list is twice as long as my boy list. Probably means it will be a boy, and I'll have a hard time choosing. Although amazingly we both agree on a boy name that we like- so we'll see if that's the final answer. ;) I'll keep it as a surprise!
I'm dieing to feel this baby move. I swear if I concentrate really hard I feel like I can feel something. I know in a few months I'll be wishing the baby would stop kicking.
People- listen to me now- Don't take your abs for granted! It's amazing how much we use our core and don't even realize it. I'm barely a bump and normal things are so hard to do. I cringe to think how much harder things will get when I'm bigger. It's already hard to put on socks. Sit up from a laying position. Throw a baseball for my dog. Bend over at all. So love your abs you non-pregnant women! Treat them well!
Until next time!
Here's a cute prego pic.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Alone
So I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I spend most of my time alone. What does this mean? Well for one, it means that I've really had to learn to like myself.
It's funny because my mom spends the majority of her time alone, and I've always thought- 'no way man!' I hate the relationship that she has with my father. I don't know what's worse, that she stays with him and doesn't get to do all of the things that she enjoys in life, or that she's just given up on trying to want those things.
I always told myself that I would not have a marriage like that. And I don't, really.
David is wonderful. He enjoys a lot of the same things that I do. He's active outside (mostly when I drag him, but once there he always has a great time).
I don't know if I should blame the army or not that he's always gone. I guess we'll see in two years when he's out. And maybe it's just because I'm not working and am home all the time. Time. I have a lot of time on my hands. If I was at work, a large portion of my day would be busy, and I wouldn't be alone. So I guess I'm to blame here for most of it.
But here we are. A beautiful Friday. The weather is finally nice at 75 degrees. I'm actually a little burnt from laying out yesterday. David and the boys have 4 days off for the Easter holiday. And yet, here I am alone. The boys went out 4-wheeling. And I am here alone. The crazy part is that I'm not mad. I'm not mad at him for going and hanging out with the boys. He needs that time. I just find myself sitting in the backyard, not wanting to waste the weather away with TV. Wishing I had a nice cool glass of white wine, and a friend to talk to.
So we learn to survive on our own. We learn to have conversations with our dogs and cats (or for you Anne, inanimate objects and in foreign languages). It makes me wonder, were we meant to be pack animals? Or were we meant to survive on our own?
It's funny because my mom spends the majority of her time alone, and I've always thought- 'no way man!' I hate the relationship that she has with my father. I don't know what's worse, that she stays with him and doesn't get to do all of the things that she enjoys in life, or that she's just given up on trying to want those things.
I always told myself that I would not have a marriage like that. And I don't, really.
David is wonderful. He enjoys a lot of the same things that I do. He's active outside (mostly when I drag him, but once there he always has a great time).
I don't know if I should blame the army or not that he's always gone. I guess we'll see in two years when he's out. And maybe it's just because I'm not working and am home all the time. Time. I have a lot of time on my hands. If I was at work, a large portion of my day would be busy, and I wouldn't be alone. So I guess I'm to blame here for most of it.
But here we are. A beautiful Friday. The weather is finally nice at 75 degrees. I'm actually a little burnt from laying out yesterday. David and the boys have 4 days off for the Easter holiday. And yet, here I am alone. The boys went out 4-wheeling. And I am here alone. The crazy part is that I'm not mad. I'm not mad at him for going and hanging out with the boys. He needs that time. I just find myself sitting in the backyard, not wanting to waste the weather away with TV. Wishing I had a nice cool glass of white wine, and a friend to talk to.
So we learn to survive on our own. We learn to have conversations with our dogs and cats (or for you Anne, inanimate objects and in foreign languages). It makes me wonder, were we meant to be pack animals? Or were we meant to survive on our own?
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