The Pessimist is Dead

WARNING THIS BLOG IS PERSONAL AND MAY BE TMI FOR YOU! (but if you know me at all, then you'll understand that this isn't something that I wouldn't share with you over the phone, or in person, so.... well... read on if you will)

So David and I haven't been having a whole lot of sex. I'm pregnant, what can I say. Although he is disappointed because his buddy Dan told him that his wife was a hornball in the second trimester, and David was like "Yeah! Can't wait!"...

I keep telling him if he came home at 2 in the afternoon then we'd be ON! But by 8 or 9pm all I want to do is sleep.

Poor David.

So last Saturday David had to go to a 24 hour duty, but planned to come home for dinner (taco casserole, his favorite). And me being the dutiful wife that I am, thought, "hrm, why don't I throw in some sex too? Poor guy has to work on a Saturday, why not"...

So he comes home, and I start taking his clothes off. He doesn't complain, although he's really wanting some of that taco casserole.

Mid way into our "session" I realize I'm bleeding. Not just a little, a lot. So of course I freak out, and we stop. I jump in the shower- and pass what I consider to be a huge blood clot. (and feel guilty because after all of that David didn't get to "finish"- and well, that was kind of the whole point)

Of course we can't get into the doctor until Monday morning and I'm not going into the ER for this (the bleeding quickly subsided, and I had no further problems the rest of the weekend).

Monday am (have to be there by 8:15am if I want to be seen without an appointment) I drag my poor husband (his one day off and to sleep in) to the doctor to find out that "this is normal" and that it is the equivalent to "skinning your knee" **laugh**. Apparently David "skinned" my cervix, which is more prone to this sort of thing during pregnancy due to increase vasculature in the vagina.

Needless to say I never want to have sex again (but most likely will). Again, poor David.

The problem is that I can't feel the baby move yet. They say not until around 20 weeks. And I know I'm crazy for saying it, but I wish I could feel the baby move! I know in a few weeks I'll be wishing otherwise, but part of me feels like I can't stop worrying when I have a cramp, or whatever 'is the baby ok?'? So as soon as the LPN let me hear that heart beat (and God bless her too, because she let me listen for a good minute or so) I killed the pessimist inside of me.

This baby is going to be just fine. Nothing is going to happen. The baby is going to be perfectly normal (well, as perfectly normal as it can be having David and I as parents).
I guess when you spend so many years searching for "Mr. Right" and wanting to be a mother, one of your biggest fears becomes losing that- or not being able to attain that. So naturally, after the first failed pregnancy- I'm freaking out that my body isn't cut out for pregnancy. Thus the worry and the fear and the crying and the overly emotional crap.

But Monday a light came on and I realized that (thank you FDR) the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. So no more "everything is going to turn out horribly". Time to make the best with what we have and find the positive in everything. Time to be happy that I have a life growing inside of me and ENJOY being pregnant instead of worry about every little thing.

The pessimist is dead!

And I'm pregnant! T -19 days and counting until we find out the sex of the baby.