Movement

Yesterday we had our 10 week ultrasound. It was great to see the baby move! He (or she) was moving his legs and arms all around and jumping! So cool.

The nausea is pretty much gone. I'm really happy about that. I definitely have a baby bump. This is the fun part of the pregnancy. I get to walk around with my hand on my belly and be all cute and stuff. I can only fit into one pair of jeans (my 'fat' jeans). Soon I'll have to move to pregnancy wear.

Really looking forward to finding out the sex of the baby in about 8-9 weeks. Compiling a list of names isn't easy. Looking forward to narrowing it down.
As I'm the 7th generation of Alice's in my family I feel really obligated to name a girl Alice, but am really not wanting to do that. So trying to find a great first name, with Alice as a middle name isn't really easy either. All I keep thinking is that this person is going to have this name for the rest of their life. It's not something you can decide easily.
David is convinced it will be a boy so we won't have to worry about girl names anyway. We'll see.

Here are some pics!



Baby bump



Little kidney bean

Not Depressed

I just wanted to tell everyone that I'm not depressed. OK, well, I'm not that depressed. So don't be sending out the mental health experts, or the straight jackets just yet.

Jill put it nicely when she said that I am just in-between adventures right now. She couldn't be more right. I have absolutely nothing to do and it's really depressing and utterly boring. I'm trying to make the most of sitting around all day at home with no car and no company(other than the dogs). Actually it's probably best that I don't have a car or else I'd be spending too much money (shopping is a great way to ease boredom). Rachael Ray provides me with amazing dinners for my two boys. That seems to be the highlight of my day.

So thank you to all of you that read and comment and worry. I'm not big at talking on the phone for hours, but love the comments, and the emails and the virtual "conversations" that we have.

I continue to try not to worry, and keep up the hope that "everything will be all right".

I'm really looking forward to coming home for the entire month of June. Looking forward to a baby shower with all of my friends and family. My brother in laws wedding. My 30th birthday. Our 2nd anniversary (hopefully spent on the coast of California!). And maybe even 4th of July in Tahoe (if the army will let us be away from the north country for that long).

Come August we will have plenty to do. David and I are planning to move to the town my college is in (an hour north of the base). My nursing classes start at the end of August (9 months pregnant should be a blast). I'm due September 20th, and unfortunately have to try and miss as little school as possible. Dad gets to play mom for that first month until he leaves for Afghanistan (he should get 30 days of paternity leave- we hope). My mom plans to visit for a few weeks as well. I realize it's going to be tough, but we'll manage somehow. I always love a challenge. If anybody else wants to take a week or two off between Oct and Christmas to come watch my kid for me while I'm at school, you're welcome to come! I'm sure I'll enjoy your company and the help!

Until then, I just try and bide my time. On a positive note the morning sickness has seemed to ease up a lot. I guess this week the placenta has taken over it's job of filtering and etc.. So I'm feeling better.

Just want to say thanks all for being my friends.

Do Something

Today we were supposed to do something. Not just sit around the house all day, me watching tv, while the boys played Call of Duty. We got up early (ok, 8am), I made a huge breakfast. By 10am we were all showered and ready to go.

But where?
"To the mall", Adam says. "No," I say, "David hates the mall". "Sledding" Adam says. "No," I say, "it's too cold". By noon I had searched the internet for "things to do in NY", the boys had gone through my High School year book and we still had no destination.
David fell asleep on the couch. I went up stairs, feeling utterly defeated, as it was yet again another nothing day, with nothing to do. I slept for 3 hours. The boys played Call of Duty.

And here I am, trying to convince myself that it is only truly ourselves that make ourself happy. Yet I am still choosing to be unhappy.

My husband is trying to make me happy, trying to rub my back, and suggest we go for a walk. My husband is wonderful. When I asked him this morning what he wanted to do, he said, "whatever makes you happy." And not in the sarcastic kind of I hate that you're making me do something way, he really meant it. I believe that he means to do whatever he can to make me happy. I don't know how to repay him for this. I don't know how to stop sulking in my room, lying under the covers with the lights off at 4:40 in the afternoon. I don't know how to pick myself up off the floor and make myself happy. California Dreaming is running through my head.

I hate this place. The snow. The cold. The 4 long months of nothing to do but stay indoors. I hate that I have no friends here. I hate how guilty I feel for hating all of this, when my husband tries so hard to make it the best.

So time to stop sulking. Time to pick myself up off the floor. Time to make dinner.

Worst Version of Yourself

Do you ever feel like you've become the worst version of yourself?

Yesterday somebody said something to me that I've heard from other people before. "You have everything you've ever dreamed of".

So I can't help but feel ashamed of the fact that I am angry. Angry at people for thinking that my life is so perfect. Angry at myself for not appreciating all of the wonderful things that I have. Mostly I am feeling angry at the complete loss of control that I have over everything that is going on around me. What's worse is that I'm angry at the dog (mostly for just existing), I'm angry at my husband (for various stupid reasons- the latest of which involves finding pleasure in killing, stealing, and vandalizing on video games), I'm angry at the college for telling me that I should just drop out if I plan on having a baby during the first semester, and I'm angry at everyone it seems, except for myself.

What is ridiculous is that I feel as if I have become David Keema's wife. I don't get to be Alice anymore, health educator, hard worker, zany, obsessive, funny girl. I'm just this woman that cleans the house and makes dinner. I'm just this thing that turns my husband on, and is there for his sexual pleasure when the moment suits him. I feel a complete loss of my self identity. And I have no idea how to get it back.

I look forward to the day when I have school and a baby to juggle. Sounds crazy to look forward to that chaos, but it's exactly that type of environment that I thrive in. It's the complete opposite of what I have going on right now.

So now I have months to fill. Months to survive. Months to try and not kill the dog (just for existing), or be angry at my husband (when he has been nothing but wonderful to me). I've applied for so many jobs now that is just seems like a lost cause that someone will actually hire me. Seems that even the Home Depot doesn't need my skills. I can't really justify buying a second car just so that I can join a social group, or volunteer my time somewhere in an attempt to not go insane. So finding variations on my daily routine at home are challenging. 10 am Rachel Ray, 4pm Ellen DeGeneres Show... in between... exercise, clean, play with dogs, surf the internet.

Send me your projects that need to be done. I'll finish your scrap book for you, or do your taxes. ;)

On a positive note, I actually look a little bit pregnant now instead of just fat. I'm not quite to the pregnancy jeans yet, but seem to be getting rounder towards the middle. The nausea is limiting itself to the late afternoons and evenings, which gives me some relief during the day. I'm excited and scared as hell to be a mother. Mostly because the first year will be just me on my own. David will deploy about a month after the baby is born. Nothing to be done about that. Another thing to feel guilty about. Not having the will power to just wait to get pregnant until "a better time".

Ok. well... I'm off in search of myself.

Am I a terrible wife?

My husband was recently promoted and consequently his workload has seemed to increase two-fold. It seems there is always more work to do when they are just back from a deployment. Routines to get back into, things that need to be fixed, checked, double-checked. People that need to be certified, re-certified, de-certified.

And for some crazy reason, they have decided to send all of the other men with my husbands rank off to lord knows where trainings, leaving David in charge of running everything. This creates long hours, and frustrations.

And then my poor husband gets to come home to a crazy, cranky, pregnant wife, that can't seem to keep in control of her emotions.

For example, the other day my husband was on night-shift. He didn't have to report to work until 11am. However, he had a Dr appointment at 9am. So, I dropped him off at work at 9am (so I could have the truck to run errands). Luckily our roommate was also on nights, so they could drive home together. My day dragged on as I found things to do. I finally fell asleep at 10pm, thinking they should be home any minute. Despite the nausea that has overcome me this week, I had prepared a kick-ass dinner for them (made with ground beef- and for those of you who know me, know I don't eat beef...). At 10 minutes to 1am, I awoke with a start, realizing they were not home yet. I text David. No response (10 minutes). I text Adam. I exhale in relief as I read the response (Adam's phone, but my husband texting- his phone battery has died) informing me that they are on their way home, after a quick stop at Taco Bell. They must be starving.

I lay awake waiting for them. At 1: 30am they arrive home. I can hear them come in, the dogs go crazy, and then they all settle themselves into the kitchen for 20 minutes to consume their meal. Why didn't they eat it in the car? Why doesn't my husband come immediately upstairs to kiss me and say hello? Why am I all of the sudden so angry that they couldn't just come straight home and eat my kick ass dinner?! If they can smell Taco Bell in the car for the 15 minute drive home, then they must not be too starving.

I am mad. My husband has been at work for 16 hours putting up with who knows what kind of bullshit, and I am mad because he didn't eat my dinner, or come up stairs right away to kiss me. I sleep on the couch after being grumpy to my husband, who falls into an immediate deep sleep involving loud snores. This is the irrational mind of a pregnant woman.

Example #2:
Yesterday he had to go into work at 3am as he was "sponsor" for a guy going through a training course and he had to be there to represent him and do some other bullshit. So he got up at 2am, and went into work. After several hours of "representing" this young man, he is informed that the guy will be "kicked out" of the training due to his haircut. David blames himself. It was his responsibility to make sure this guy was prepared. After dropping the guy off, he heads into work to start a 24-hour shift at 9am.

This morning, as he sleepily stumbles through the door at 11am (had some extra things to take care of at work, and thus was home late) he tells me that he has another 24 hour shift on Sunday.

I am cranky. Not because he has to work again (this for some reason does not surprise me). I am cranky because I want a grilled cheese sandwich and we do not have any cheese.

I should be rubbing my husbands back as he tries to fall asleep on the couch, or making him some lunch. I should be doing my wifely duties ;) ;) if you know what I mean, but I am pregnant. I am tired. I feel nauseous all of the time (thank god I'm not actually throwing up). Every smell sets me off. I want someone to be rubbing my back, and making me a grilled cheese. I do not want to have sex. I do not want to be sympathetic.

I am the worst wife in the world.

What is it they say? "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Let us hope that is true. This too shall pass. And I still want my grilled cheese.

hormones

As if I wasn't emotional enough in life, you throw in pregnancy and hormone levels double every two days. Swell.

To top it all off, I'm home alone all day with nothing to do. Every little thing sets me off. I cry if I see someone crying on television. I cry if David says the wrong thing (which could be a silly as "I have to work on Saturday").

I'm nauseous all of the time. Thank God I'm not throwing up. I mostly sleep. What a boring existence.

The cramps have subsided. My breasts are still sore (and huge!).

Now I just wait for time to go by.
David doesn't want me to get a job. I've applied for several last week, but have yet to hear from anyone.

I need something to do before I go crazy. I'm crazy enough all ready.

I try to set mini goals for myself... things to look forward to. Bowling on Wednesday, visiting with cousins on Saturday. Going home in June for several weeks.
Making lists of names. Thinking about where we're going to put this baby. I think the "man cave" is going to have to become the office and the office is going to have to become the baby's room. we'll see how the boys feel about that. ;)

As always I wish I could fast forward through some of this pregnancy (a common theme in my life) and get to the good stuff. The part where I actually look pregnant instead of just really bloated or fat. I can't fit into most of my pants already. I'm not even supposed to be showing yet! Frustrating that I'm not sure if I've just gained weight from eating too much, or if I really can blame the baby. Supposedly my uterus is now the size of a grapefruit. I'd think that would make me show a little bit!



Here is the first ultrasound from about 6 weeks. Not much to see, but you can make out the yolk sack if you try hard enough.


Second ultrasound on Friday. Looking forward to seeing how much bigger the baby is. Hopefully we'll see a heartbeat. :)

Where it is supposed to be

It's funny that all I needed was a man in a white coat to tell me that everything is going to be all right.

He seems to think I am only 4 weeks, when I believe I am 6. He did an ultrasound anyway, and found a very small sac in the center of my uterus. Not off is some obscure location like attached to one of my kidney's or in my left fallopian tube. Everything is where it's supposed to be.

So now I can mentally be happy that I am pregnant. And I can say that my husband was right *sulk*.

And now I have time to figure out how I am going to start nursing school at 38 weeks pregnant, and how I am going to find child care for said baby while mom is at nursing school. Ah the joys of parenthood. And so it begins.