Worst Version of Yourself

Do you ever feel like you've become the worst version of yourself?

Yesterday somebody said something to me that I've heard from other people before. "You have everything you've ever dreamed of".

So I can't help but feel ashamed of the fact that I am angry. Angry at people for thinking that my life is so perfect. Angry at myself for not appreciating all of the wonderful things that I have. Mostly I am feeling angry at the complete loss of control that I have over everything that is going on around me. What's worse is that I'm angry at the dog (mostly for just existing), I'm angry at my husband (for various stupid reasons- the latest of which involves finding pleasure in killing, stealing, and vandalizing on video games), I'm angry at the college for telling me that I should just drop out if I plan on having a baby during the first semester, and I'm angry at everyone it seems, except for myself.

What is ridiculous is that I feel as if I have become David Keema's wife. I don't get to be Alice anymore, health educator, hard worker, zany, obsessive, funny girl. I'm just this woman that cleans the house and makes dinner. I'm just this thing that turns my husband on, and is there for his sexual pleasure when the moment suits him. I feel a complete loss of my self identity. And I have no idea how to get it back.

I look forward to the day when I have school and a baby to juggle. Sounds crazy to look forward to that chaos, but it's exactly that type of environment that I thrive in. It's the complete opposite of what I have going on right now.

So now I have months to fill. Months to survive. Months to try and not kill the dog (just for existing), or be angry at my husband (when he has been nothing but wonderful to me). I've applied for so many jobs now that is just seems like a lost cause that someone will actually hire me. Seems that even the Home Depot doesn't need my skills. I can't really justify buying a second car just so that I can join a social group, or volunteer my time somewhere in an attempt to not go insane. So finding variations on my daily routine at home are challenging. 10 am Rachel Ray, 4pm Ellen DeGeneres Show... in between... exercise, clean, play with dogs, surf the internet.

Send me your projects that need to be done. I'll finish your scrap book for you, or do your taxes. ;)

On a positive note, I actually look a little bit pregnant now instead of just fat. I'm not quite to the pregnancy jeans yet, but seem to be getting rounder towards the middle. The nausea is limiting itself to the late afternoons and evenings, which gives me some relief during the day. I'm excited and scared as hell to be a mother. Mostly because the first year will be just me on my own. David will deploy about a month after the baby is born. Nothing to be done about that. Another thing to feel guilty about. Not having the will power to just wait to get pregnant until "a better time".

Ok. well... I'm off in search of myself.