Expectations

Why do I put such high expectations on myself to be so perfect? Does anybody really notice the outcome but me? And then when I do not succeed, I am just left feeling like a failure. What's it all for?

For my second maternity exam I scored an 84%. Many people would be thrilled to get that score, but I am sadly disappointed. After my first score of a 92% on the first test, I had elevated myself to invincible. I walked out of test #2, feeling confident, only to be shot down by the results days later. Why am I even letting myself be upset over this? Isn't it enough to be raising a beautiful daughter (for the time being alone), while in nursing school? Isn't it enough to be passing with a 3.5 GPA. I just need to remind myself that it's not the grades that make the nurse, it's the heart.

I can't wait to see how drastically life is going to change when we get back to California. David is excited about starting college and has been researching Sac State and UC Davis. Trying to figure out if he can be a "transfer" student with the few college courses he is taking now, or if he should just stop taking classes now and apply as a freshman. It's going to be a long haul. Thankfully the Army will pay for most of it, so that will really be helpful.

We're deciding on if we are going to live in the Placerville house, or continue to rent it out and buy/rent another place somewhere closer to school. I'm afraid that if we never move back into the Placerville house, then we will never live there again. David hates the commute, and I don't blame him. But I LOVE that house so much. I really want to fix it up and make it all it can be. Then some day our parents can live there. I never want to sell it. I don't know if that's just a dreamer's dream.

If we live closer to school (and work for me, most likely) then I really want a) land and b) to buy. I HATE not being able to improve upon houses I am living in. Everywhere I live I see the potential of what that house could be, if I changed this, or if I painted that. But when it's not your home, you give up all of those rights.

I guess we'll just have to see how things play out. Until then I'll work on trying to be happy with my B, and not put so much pressure on myself. On a positive note, I worked out at the gym yesterday and plan on continuing on that route until I have a good routine going. Time to really kick this baby fat in the butt!

FAT

I am so ridiculously fat, it's not even funny. I know I had a baby, and that my body has changed, but this is just ridiculous. I'm 6 months postpartum! I started working out a few weeks ago and lost about 8 more lbs, which made me feel really good about myself. I knew I needed to work harder on the "muffin top", but that if I kept at it, it would shrink. I guess, I was feeling a little too confident because I stopped working out all together. Stupid me. We had a week off from school. I had surgery on my wrist, and that just put me out of commission for awhile. I mean, I could still get my ass up onto the treadmill, that doesn't hurt my wrist! I don't know.

David is coming home in a month, and I feel disgusting. I know he'll love me no matter what, but I can't help but have extremely low body image right now. Last night I got in the bathtub, and had it pretty full (laying flat my breasts were submerged). Unfortunately my stomach was sticking out of the water! What the hell is that?! I look 5 months pregnant! HATE this.

It's so hard to find the motivation to get up off my ass and exercise. I'm not a morning person, so that's out of the question. And by the time the end of the day rolls around, all I want to do is veg out on the couch.

I need my trainer here to yell at me! SIGH. I need a plan. I need somewhere outside of the home to work out. I need to get my ass moving and lay off the Chinese food.

parenthood is scary

Being a parent is so scary sometimes. When I'm away from my child, I just can't wait to get back to her. When she is sad, I want her to be happy. When she cries, I want to kiss it and make it all better. I love giving her kisses! If I could permanently attach my lips to her forehead, I think I would. She grows, and changes, and learns, and my heart sings! She looks at new things with excitement and joy. She is trying to figure out the world around her. She is awesome.

But being a parent comes with worry. And I can't help but fear those things that we wish will never happen to our child. What if she breaks something? What if she get's sick? What if I can't protect her? What if something happens to her and I don't get to watch her grow to have her first kiss, graduate from college, get married, have a child of her own?

Being a parent is really amazing and scary all at the same time.

something new every day

Ok, so I realize I'm really terrible at keeping this up to date. I'll do my best.

Laney discovers something new every day. It's really quite amazing, and kind of annoying all at the same time. This week she's discovered the art of squealing. She hasn't decided if she's squealing in delight, or in frustration however, and sometimes flickers from one to the other and back again within seconds. She has also discovered that she has feet. Particularly toes, and likes to try and put them in her mouth whenever possible. Particularly, when I am trying to change her diaper, and need her feet to not be up at her face.

Things with me are the same. I've always persevered through tough times. It's almost as if I enjoy the challenge. I know, I'm crazy. For example, my wrist surgery. I could have waited until my mom was here to help with things. But I decided to have my surgery a full week before she arrives, so that I can learn how to do things while holding a baby and with only one arm. Hrm. And then, because things weren't challenging enough, I decided it was time to re-arrange the living room furniture. With one arm. Silly Alice.

Nursing school is nursing school. I'm finding the maternity section non-challenging, probably because I just lived it not too long ago. 2nd half of this semester is Psych rotation. Joy. Can't wait to hang out with the crazies. Perhaps I'll feel at home. J/K.

David comes home in April for 2 weeks. We are going to try to get pregnant again. Mostly because I love being a mom and can't wait to have more children, but also because I want to see if we can pop one more out on the Army's dime. We lose our Army health insurance in April of 2012, so I'm really hoping that by some act of GOD we get pregnant while he is here. Otherwise we're going to have to wait until I get a stable job in California with good health benefits before we try again. (The reality is that we're not on BC and we'll probably just get pregnant in Nov when he comes home and then we'll have to pay for this kid on our own!) I'm really wanting that baby boy. We'll sell it if it's a girl. Just kidding. ;)

I'm super tired of the snow, and can't wait for things to warm up here. The rain teased us this last week by melting all of the snow. Unfortunately I woke to find several fresh inches this morning. Just in time for mom's arrival tomorrow. I really can't afford to heat this house for much longer. We pay in heat what we pay in rent. That is absurd. Poor Laney's hands were blue today because she was so cold. How terrible of a parent am I?

Time

So it's been 3 days since my mom left and I'm bored. It's not more difficult to be on my own with Laney. I'm managing. I'm still able to do things when she is sleeping. I guess I'm just lonely. I rarely hear from David, and that's no fun. I know he's busy, so I don't get upset about it. It's not easy that our days are his nights and vice versa. I guess the internet connection over there is crap. Last year they had one satellite for just their unit. Now there is one satellite for the entire base. So it's a really slow connection. He got the cheap internet too, so that makes it even worse. We tried to Skype this morning and just kept getting disconnected. He doesn't think it will work at all. I've been really counting on him getting to watch Laney grow this next year through Skype. Now it doesn't seem like that is going to be a reality. I just had an idea! I'll just have to video EVERYTHING! Then I can send him home movies... LOL.

Well, now that I'm all alone, I'm bored. I'm looking forward to coming home for Christmas. Although I hope traveling with her isn't a nightmare. I don't want to be "that person" on the plane with a screaming baby. Hopefully she is good and sleeps. I'll be home for a month. That will be nice. Two more weeks of school here and then we get a week off for Thanksgiving. Then after that it's only one more week of classes and then we have finals! I can't believe I'm only a month away from finishing my first semester.

I've made a lot of good friends. So I'm not totally alone. But people have their own lives...

I'm just so looking forward to having my husband back for good and not having anyone take him away ever again! Then we're back to California!

Here are some pictures of Laney at 7 weeks.

Single Mom

I can't believe it's only been two weeks since David left. It feels like yesterday when he was still here. I think this year is going to drag by so slowly. Tomorrow my mom leaves, and I will all of the sudden be a single mom. Not exactly how I envisioned being a parent would be.

Laney will be 7 weeks on Thursday, and I just can't believe how much she's grown. She's entering that happy baby phase where she smiles and laughs at everything. She loves to have her pants and diapers off and have a naked butt... She thinks that's sooo funny. It breaks my heart that David is missing this. The first few weeks when he was still here, she didn't do much but sleep and poop and eat, and eat, and eat... and he got a little irritated with her neediness. He kept saying, "I can't wait unit she's a little bit older and has a personality and actually does stuff."

I'm really kind of nervous about how my school work is going to go now. Before, when my mom was here, I could just ignore Lane and know that my mom was watching her, or could console her. Now I actually have to pay attention! LOL. I've been practicing this past week by getting up with her 100% through the night. I figure I'm going to have to do it on my own anyhow, might as well get used to it.

So far I feel like school is going really well. We are registering for next semester this week. And of course my registration time happens to fall right at the time that I will be driving my mom to the airport. SIGH. I'm worried that I'm not going to get a good schedule. There are limited seats in some of the classes, mainly the clinical day, and if you don't get the one you want then you end up driving to Egypt or somewhere, which I just can't deal with. That or get stuck with an evening clinical, which I can't do because of child care. Needless to say, I'm a bit nervous I'm not going to like what I get. We'll see. I hope it all works out.

I haven't really been hearing much from David. Which I don't like, but can't do much about. The only good news is that I'm pretty busy here with school and Laney, so I don't think about it constantly. He hasn't gotten the internet set up yet in his room, and that is the biggest barrier to our communication right now. He's transitioning in, and getting trained by the guy he is relieving. He feels like the guys that trained him how to do his job before had it all wrong and so he is now re-learning everything.

It's started to get really cold here. 24 this morning! I'm not looking forward to the snow. Mostly because I have to bundle up a baby, and lug a 30+ pound car seat back and forth to the car everyday. I'm hoping the snow levels aren't too high that I don't have to shovel or get plowed out everyday. The neighbors across the street said it doesn't snow as much here as in Carthage (the town we lived in the first time I came out here), so that made me feel a lot better. Plus, our driveway is pretty close to the road, so even if I did have to shovel, I wouldn't have to go very far.

OK. well that's what's new. Here's a picture of the munchkin.

Too Long and lot's of changes

I realize it's been months since my last post. And so many things have changed. First of all, Laney has been born. September 16th, 2010 at 7:37 pm. Looking back now, I can easily say that it wasn't hard. I'm sure if you asked me at the time, I'd say something different. She was putting a lot of pressure on my back, and that was pretty intense for a few hours. But once I had the epidural (which was scary in itself) all was better! Even though I couldn't feel my right leg at all. I only actively pushed for about 45 minutes. I didn't tear, and she came out pretty easily. I'd spent the last few months freaking out that she had Downs Syndrome, and so when she came out, the first thing I said to David was, "is she normal?". He's never going to let me live that one down. Needless to say she is as "normal" as she can be with David and I as her parents. Ha, ha. Other than that, she's healthy and happy!

Breastfeeding was treacherous the first 3 weeks. My nipples cracked and bled, and every time she latched it hurt so bad for the first 30 seconds I thought for sure I couldn't endure much more. But my the end of the first month, things are much better, and it doesn't hurt when she latches on at all. It's like that movie "Four Christmases" and the sister in law that says her nipples are so numb that she can't feel a thing anymore- "Go ahead, flick it". Let's just say, that as I'm typing this, she is propped up on the Boppy pillow, and breast feeding. Look mom, no hands!

Speaking of mother's, mine is here visiting and being such a wonderful help, I don't know what I'll do when she's gone. I haven't done laundry or dishes in over a month. LOL. I'M SPOILED. She's been here for 3 weeks and has been absolutely wonderful! She'll get up in the middle of the night to help feed or rock Laney, especially if I have school the next day.

School! Well, that has been going wonderfully. I was really nervous about being the only "non-traditional" student, but turns at that about 50% of my class seems to be "non-traditional" (which means anyone that is not 18 and right out of High School). I've made a few really great friends, and classes are going really well. Up until last week I was keeping an A average in all of my classes (now I'm down to a B in Fundamentals- oh well). I really thought this program would be harder than it is, but the pace has been nice and easy, and I seem to be keeping on top of everything without a problem. We'll see how it goes when my mom leaves and I have to start cleaning my own house again. She leaves in two more weeks. *sigh*

I'll devote my next blog to my crazy college teachers, as that is an entire subject on it's own. LOL.

David deployed this last week. By now he's most likely made it to Afghanistan. It is what it is. I hate that he's gone and has to miss an entire year of our daughters life. The first year at that! But odds are she wont really remember anyway. She looks just like him, and that makes it weird for me. Little mini David. I try not to worry about his safety. It's just how I cope. I ignore that he's in a dangerous place and that things could go drastically wrong. Why worry? It's just not good for my mental health. I feel like the time is going to fly by very quickly because I'm in school. I really love living in Canton so much better. I think it's because I have something to do. Something to focus on and a way to better myself and contribute to society. I'm not just sitting at home watching TV and getting fat and hating being here.

David and I are really looking forward to getting back to California. We're dreaming up all of the remodel projects we want to do to the house (mostly because DIY network is on non-stop in our house). I'm nervous about the finances of it all when we are no longer employed by the US Government. My goal is to save up a nice little nest egg over this next year, so that we have money to fall back on when it comes time to move home and finds jobs. I'm hoping with my nursing license that I'll be able to find a job easily, but we'll see. The plan is that I will work and David will go to school full time and watch the kid(s) (and no, I'm not pregnant again, but we'll have more some day!). He's started an online college program and hopes to get as much of his AA out of the way as possible while on this deployment. He thinks he can finish a two year degree in one year, but I know better than that. He's only signed up for two classes this first semester (or maybe he's on the quarter system, I'm not sure). At that rate, he'll take 5 years to finish! LOL. We'll see. I'm excited that he's starting. He's such a smart guy, and he never really finished High School (dropped out his Sophomore year and got his GED). And now that he's more mature, he's willing to actually sit and learn, and I know he'll just soak it all up!

Ok, so I have a fussy baby that I'm ignoring, so I'd better get to that (grandma is consoling her, but I've got to get used to the idea that grandma is not always going to be here).