For Anne

Apparently I don't blog enough. ;) This one's for you Anne!

SO... uhhhh.... Not much happening here.
The weather is finally warm today. It's so strange. Yesterday it was raining, and I was wearing a sweatshirt. Today it's 75 and I'm in a tank top and short and sunbathing in the "backyard".

Been battling mucus in my sinuses, which has the occasion to give me a super fun headache! Apparently pregnancy increases blood flow to your mucus membranes, hence the stuffy noses.

We have our 16 week ultrasound on Monday and I can't wait to see how much the baby has grown from 10 weeks. I can't help but worry. I know, it's bad for everyone, but gosh! Until I can feel this baby move inside of me (not until about 20 weeks) then I'm gonna worry! At this point the baby gender is distinguishable, but our mid-wife that will be doing our ultrasound on Monday says he's really terrible at determining the sex and that we shouldn't even ask him. I'm going to tell him not to bullshit a bullshitter, I mean, how many years has he been doing this? Come on man, give me something to work with!
Otherwise we have an official appointment with a certified ultrasound tech the first week in May. I can't wait that long! I'm just looking forward to culling down my list of names to one gender.

JUNE:

David's CO told him that his leave request for June will be denied. I guess they have HATs (High Altitude Training) in Colorado in June and nobody is getting leave granted. I guess my birthday, our anniversary and his brothers wedding are not that important to the Army. He thinks they are in two two-week increments and that he can hopefully get assigned to the first one and then make it to Cali by the 16th or so. Just in time for the wedding. We're not worrying the bride and groom yet (we're both in the wedding), as the Army is terrible about making any decisions more than 5 minutes in advance.

David suggested that maybe if he puts in a request for more than 30 days then it will go above his CO to be approved (this is the regular process). He's not sure, but I think it's worth a try.
I told him, "I love you babe, but I'm going to Cali with or without you."

I'm really starting to look pregnant, and silly impatient me just can't wait to be "bigger". Silly I know. I'm just not round enough yet! I want to "look" pregnant. Here's a pic of me below. 15 weeks and 4 days. I've been doing weekly shots of me in my pj's and plan to do time lapse thingy with them. Stay tuned for that at the end! LOL.

Well, the boys have the next 4 days off, and it's supposed to be in the 70's all weekend, so hopefully we can enjoy the out of doors! I need some sun! I'm WHITE!

Until next time!



15 weeks and 4 days


Adam and David wish they were pregnant too! Silly boys!

Guilty

So I'm feeling guilty for not having a job yet. I was supposed to have a job by January, and now it's half way through March! Yikes!

This week we got a notice on our door that we are in violation of our lease due to not picking up our dog feces! I was appalled, as, of course, we ALWAYS pick up our shit (ok, well, mostly always). So I called and said "t'ain't us". and she was like "Ok, never mind then". Erm, OK.
I was really upset by the fact that "We've had several complaints that you don't pick up your feces". I'd really like to know who's complaining! You should see that bag of shit in our garage! Stinky!

So this prompted me to go on a rampage and decide that I hate apartment living and that I refuse to move into another apartment in August when we move up to the college. And since it doesn't appear that there are a lot of rental houses in Canton, this also prompted me to look at buying a house. Crazy, right?

WELL. I found a lovely 3 bedroom 1.5 bath house that wasn't a trailer, and didn't look like it was about to fall down for the wonderful price of- wait for it, wait for it- $75,000.
This morning I took a poop and $75,000 came out. I mean $75k! How can we not buy a house for that much! I thought, 'oh, we'll get approved for that much for sure. '

David, amazingly, is totally on board with this idea. I think we should even keep it after we move back to CA and use it as a rental property and make some money (he's not so keen on this idea and would rather sell it in two years). I can't help but ask myself if buying a house for only 2 years is a bad idea. But then I hear my neighbor shutting their kitchen cabinet through the wall, and I think- good idea.

So I went through the pre-approval process through our bank, asking for 100K just to see what we can get. Apparently our credit is fantastic, and our debt to income ratio is superb, but I guess the lack of cash on hand for a down payment and closing costs is putting a damper on the deal.
Closing costs in this state are crazy high. Basically we'd need to come up with $13,000 by August (when we were planning to buy) in order to be approved for 100K loan. *sigh* Unless I sell a kidney, or start prostituting myself out, there is no way we can come up with that much in that short a time. At best we could get to 7K.

So if any of my rich friends want to loan us some cash so we can buy a house, that'd be great. Ha ha.

So there goes that dream. Looks like we're renting after all. I'm hoping to find a house to rent. And given that we have more time to look, I think we can find something that suits us.

Perhaps I should stop watching the DIY network non-stop. It just makes we want to remodel things that I can't. I can't wait to get back to Placerville so that I can start this list. Of course a million things will change by then. A baby. A nursing license (and hopefully a kick ass health educator job). David wants to go to school full time, so that leaves me to bring in the money.

I don't know. If I had a job then we'd have more money in savings. I just can't bring myself to get a job at the Gap or Bed, Bath and Beyond. I just don't want to drive 30 minutes to town to work for $8/hour and spend it all on gas money.

Oh well, things rarely work out the way we wish them to.


On a completely different note- David has been approved for laser eye surgery through the army, and it's next week! The surprising part is that he has to go to Walter Reed Medical Hospital in Silver Springs, Maryland - which just happens to be 10 miles north of none other than Washington DC! I'm SOOOO excited to go. I've never been to the capitol and there is so much I want to see. Plus the army will pay for our food and lodging, so it's kind of like a free vacation! I'll post pictures when we get back. We get to stay for a full week!

Until next time. :)

Love

What is it with Nicholas Sparks? I mean jeez... I just need to stop watching those movies all together! First the Notebook, now Nights in Rodanthe. Don't watch if you don't want to cry!

But I did walk away from Nights with one great line lingering in my head. A line that is inspiring me. "I love Jack because he is your father. But there is a different kind of love. A love that makes you want to be the best version of yourself and not the worst. Hold out for that kind of love."

I love my husband more than I can explain. But lately I have been being the worst version of myself. And not because of him. He has been nothing but wonderful to me. So no more of this crappy version of Alice. Time to make the most of the life that I have here. Time to be the best version of myself. Time to let the love that I have with my husband blossom and grow and flourish!

Hrm, now how to make that happen? lol.

But really, that sappy love movie just made me realize that life ain't so bad, and I need to make the time that I have here with my husband (before he goes to Afghanistan) the best that it can be.

Movement

Yesterday we had our 10 week ultrasound. It was great to see the baby move! He (or she) was moving his legs and arms all around and jumping! So cool.

The nausea is pretty much gone. I'm really happy about that. I definitely have a baby bump. This is the fun part of the pregnancy. I get to walk around with my hand on my belly and be all cute and stuff. I can only fit into one pair of jeans (my 'fat' jeans). Soon I'll have to move to pregnancy wear.

Really looking forward to finding out the sex of the baby in about 8-9 weeks. Compiling a list of names isn't easy. Looking forward to narrowing it down.
As I'm the 7th generation of Alice's in my family I feel really obligated to name a girl Alice, but am really not wanting to do that. So trying to find a great first name, with Alice as a middle name isn't really easy either. All I keep thinking is that this person is going to have this name for the rest of their life. It's not something you can decide easily.
David is convinced it will be a boy so we won't have to worry about girl names anyway. We'll see.

Here are some pics!



Baby bump



Little kidney bean

Not Depressed

I just wanted to tell everyone that I'm not depressed. OK, well, I'm not that depressed. So don't be sending out the mental health experts, or the straight jackets just yet.

Jill put it nicely when she said that I am just in-between adventures right now. She couldn't be more right. I have absolutely nothing to do and it's really depressing and utterly boring. I'm trying to make the most of sitting around all day at home with no car and no company(other than the dogs). Actually it's probably best that I don't have a car or else I'd be spending too much money (shopping is a great way to ease boredom). Rachael Ray provides me with amazing dinners for my two boys. That seems to be the highlight of my day.

So thank you to all of you that read and comment and worry. I'm not big at talking on the phone for hours, but love the comments, and the emails and the virtual "conversations" that we have.

I continue to try not to worry, and keep up the hope that "everything will be all right".

I'm really looking forward to coming home for the entire month of June. Looking forward to a baby shower with all of my friends and family. My brother in laws wedding. My 30th birthday. Our 2nd anniversary (hopefully spent on the coast of California!). And maybe even 4th of July in Tahoe (if the army will let us be away from the north country for that long).

Come August we will have plenty to do. David and I are planning to move to the town my college is in (an hour north of the base). My nursing classes start at the end of August (9 months pregnant should be a blast). I'm due September 20th, and unfortunately have to try and miss as little school as possible. Dad gets to play mom for that first month until he leaves for Afghanistan (he should get 30 days of paternity leave- we hope). My mom plans to visit for a few weeks as well. I realize it's going to be tough, but we'll manage somehow. I always love a challenge. If anybody else wants to take a week or two off between Oct and Christmas to come watch my kid for me while I'm at school, you're welcome to come! I'm sure I'll enjoy your company and the help!

Until then, I just try and bide my time. On a positive note the morning sickness has seemed to ease up a lot. I guess this week the placenta has taken over it's job of filtering and etc.. So I'm feeling better.

Just want to say thanks all for being my friends.

Do Something

Today we were supposed to do something. Not just sit around the house all day, me watching tv, while the boys played Call of Duty. We got up early (ok, 8am), I made a huge breakfast. By 10am we were all showered and ready to go.

But where?
"To the mall", Adam says. "No," I say, "David hates the mall". "Sledding" Adam says. "No," I say, "it's too cold". By noon I had searched the internet for "things to do in NY", the boys had gone through my High School year book and we still had no destination.
David fell asleep on the couch. I went up stairs, feeling utterly defeated, as it was yet again another nothing day, with nothing to do. I slept for 3 hours. The boys played Call of Duty.

And here I am, trying to convince myself that it is only truly ourselves that make ourself happy. Yet I am still choosing to be unhappy.

My husband is trying to make me happy, trying to rub my back, and suggest we go for a walk. My husband is wonderful. When I asked him this morning what he wanted to do, he said, "whatever makes you happy." And not in the sarcastic kind of I hate that you're making me do something way, he really meant it. I believe that he means to do whatever he can to make me happy. I don't know how to repay him for this. I don't know how to stop sulking in my room, lying under the covers with the lights off at 4:40 in the afternoon. I don't know how to pick myself up off the floor and make myself happy. California Dreaming is running through my head.

I hate this place. The snow. The cold. The 4 long months of nothing to do but stay indoors. I hate that I have no friends here. I hate how guilty I feel for hating all of this, when my husband tries so hard to make it the best.

So time to stop sulking. Time to pick myself up off the floor. Time to make dinner.

Worst Version of Yourself

Do you ever feel like you've become the worst version of yourself?

Yesterday somebody said something to me that I've heard from other people before. "You have everything you've ever dreamed of".

So I can't help but feel ashamed of the fact that I am angry. Angry at people for thinking that my life is so perfect. Angry at myself for not appreciating all of the wonderful things that I have. Mostly I am feeling angry at the complete loss of control that I have over everything that is going on around me. What's worse is that I'm angry at the dog (mostly for just existing), I'm angry at my husband (for various stupid reasons- the latest of which involves finding pleasure in killing, stealing, and vandalizing on video games), I'm angry at the college for telling me that I should just drop out if I plan on having a baby during the first semester, and I'm angry at everyone it seems, except for myself.

What is ridiculous is that I feel as if I have become David Keema's wife. I don't get to be Alice anymore, health educator, hard worker, zany, obsessive, funny girl. I'm just this woman that cleans the house and makes dinner. I'm just this thing that turns my husband on, and is there for his sexual pleasure when the moment suits him. I feel a complete loss of my self identity. And I have no idea how to get it back.

I look forward to the day when I have school and a baby to juggle. Sounds crazy to look forward to that chaos, but it's exactly that type of environment that I thrive in. It's the complete opposite of what I have going on right now.

So now I have months to fill. Months to survive. Months to try and not kill the dog (just for existing), or be angry at my husband (when he has been nothing but wonderful to me). I've applied for so many jobs now that is just seems like a lost cause that someone will actually hire me. Seems that even the Home Depot doesn't need my skills. I can't really justify buying a second car just so that I can join a social group, or volunteer my time somewhere in an attempt to not go insane. So finding variations on my daily routine at home are challenging. 10 am Rachel Ray, 4pm Ellen DeGeneres Show... in between... exercise, clean, play with dogs, surf the internet.

Send me your projects that need to be done. I'll finish your scrap book for you, or do your taxes. ;)

On a positive note, I actually look a little bit pregnant now instead of just fat. I'm not quite to the pregnancy jeans yet, but seem to be getting rounder towards the middle. The nausea is limiting itself to the late afternoons and evenings, which gives me some relief during the day. I'm excited and scared as hell to be a mother. Mostly because the first year will be just me on my own. David will deploy about a month after the baby is born. Nothing to be done about that. Another thing to feel guilty about. Not having the will power to just wait to get pregnant until "a better time".

Ok. well... I'm off in search of myself.