Movement

Yesterday we had our 10 week ultrasound. It was great to see the baby move! He (or she) was moving his legs and arms all around and jumping! So cool.

The nausea is pretty much gone. I'm really happy about that. I definitely have a baby bump. This is the fun part of the pregnancy. I get to walk around with my hand on my belly and be all cute and stuff. I can only fit into one pair of jeans (my 'fat' jeans). Soon I'll have to move to pregnancy wear.

Really looking forward to finding out the sex of the baby in about 8-9 weeks. Compiling a list of names isn't easy. Looking forward to narrowing it down.
As I'm the 7th generation of Alice's in my family I feel really obligated to name a girl Alice, but am really not wanting to do that. So trying to find a great first name, with Alice as a middle name isn't really easy either. All I keep thinking is that this person is going to have this name for the rest of their life. It's not something you can decide easily.
David is convinced it will be a boy so we won't have to worry about girl names anyway. We'll see.

Here are some pics!



Baby bump



Little kidney bean

Not Depressed

I just wanted to tell everyone that I'm not depressed. OK, well, I'm not that depressed. So don't be sending out the mental health experts, or the straight jackets just yet.

Jill put it nicely when she said that I am just in-between adventures right now. She couldn't be more right. I have absolutely nothing to do and it's really depressing and utterly boring. I'm trying to make the most of sitting around all day at home with no car and no company(other than the dogs). Actually it's probably best that I don't have a car or else I'd be spending too much money (shopping is a great way to ease boredom). Rachael Ray provides me with amazing dinners for my two boys. That seems to be the highlight of my day.

So thank you to all of you that read and comment and worry. I'm not big at talking on the phone for hours, but love the comments, and the emails and the virtual "conversations" that we have.

I continue to try not to worry, and keep up the hope that "everything will be all right".

I'm really looking forward to coming home for the entire month of June. Looking forward to a baby shower with all of my friends and family. My brother in laws wedding. My 30th birthday. Our 2nd anniversary (hopefully spent on the coast of California!). And maybe even 4th of July in Tahoe (if the army will let us be away from the north country for that long).

Come August we will have plenty to do. David and I are planning to move to the town my college is in (an hour north of the base). My nursing classes start at the end of August (9 months pregnant should be a blast). I'm due September 20th, and unfortunately have to try and miss as little school as possible. Dad gets to play mom for that first month until he leaves for Afghanistan (he should get 30 days of paternity leave- we hope). My mom plans to visit for a few weeks as well. I realize it's going to be tough, but we'll manage somehow. I always love a challenge. If anybody else wants to take a week or two off between Oct and Christmas to come watch my kid for me while I'm at school, you're welcome to come! I'm sure I'll enjoy your company and the help!

Until then, I just try and bide my time. On a positive note the morning sickness has seemed to ease up a lot. I guess this week the placenta has taken over it's job of filtering and etc.. So I'm feeling better.

Just want to say thanks all for being my friends.

Do Something

Today we were supposed to do something. Not just sit around the house all day, me watching tv, while the boys played Call of Duty. We got up early (ok, 8am), I made a huge breakfast. By 10am we were all showered and ready to go.

But where?
"To the mall", Adam says. "No," I say, "David hates the mall". "Sledding" Adam says. "No," I say, "it's too cold". By noon I had searched the internet for "things to do in NY", the boys had gone through my High School year book and we still had no destination.
David fell asleep on the couch. I went up stairs, feeling utterly defeated, as it was yet again another nothing day, with nothing to do. I slept for 3 hours. The boys played Call of Duty.

And here I am, trying to convince myself that it is only truly ourselves that make ourself happy. Yet I am still choosing to be unhappy.

My husband is trying to make me happy, trying to rub my back, and suggest we go for a walk. My husband is wonderful. When I asked him this morning what he wanted to do, he said, "whatever makes you happy." And not in the sarcastic kind of I hate that you're making me do something way, he really meant it. I believe that he means to do whatever he can to make me happy. I don't know how to repay him for this. I don't know how to stop sulking in my room, lying under the covers with the lights off at 4:40 in the afternoon. I don't know how to pick myself up off the floor and make myself happy. California Dreaming is running through my head.

I hate this place. The snow. The cold. The 4 long months of nothing to do but stay indoors. I hate that I have no friends here. I hate how guilty I feel for hating all of this, when my husband tries so hard to make it the best.

So time to stop sulking. Time to pick myself up off the floor. Time to make dinner.

Worst Version of Yourself

Do you ever feel like you've become the worst version of yourself?

Yesterday somebody said something to me that I've heard from other people before. "You have everything you've ever dreamed of".

So I can't help but feel ashamed of the fact that I am angry. Angry at people for thinking that my life is so perfect. Angry at myself for not appreciating all of the wonderful things that I have. Mostly I am feeling angry at the complete loss of control that I have over everything that is going on around me. What's worse is that I'm angry at the dog (mostly for just existing), I'm angry at my husband (for various stupid reasons- the latest of which involves finding pleasure in killing, stealing, and vandalizing on video games), I'm angry at the college for telling me that I should just drop out if I plan on having a baby during the first semester, and I'm angry at everyone it seems, except for myself.

What is ridiculous is that I feel as if I have become David Keema's wife. I don't get to be Alice anymore, health educator, hard worker, zany, obsessive, funny girl. I'm just this woman that cleans the house and makes dinner. I'm just this thing that turns my husband on, and is there for his sexual pleasure when the moment suits him. I feel a complete loss of my self identity. And I have no idea how to get it back.

I look forward to the day when I have school and a baby to juggle. Sounds crazy to look forward to that chaos, but it's exactly that type of environment that I thrive in. It's the complete opposite of what I have going on right now.

So now I have months to fill. Months to survive. Months to try and not kill the dog (just for existing), or be angry at my husband (when he has been nothing but wonderful to me). I've applied for so many jobs now that is just seems like a lost cause that someone will actually hire me. Seems that even the Home Depot doesn't need my skills. I can't really justify buying a second car just so that I can join a social group, or volunteer my time somewhere in an attempt to not go insane. So finding variations on my daily routine at home are challenging. 10 am Rachel Ray, 4pm Ellen DeGeneres Show... in between... exercise, clean, play with dogs, surf the internet.

Send me your projects that need to be done. I'll finish your scrap book for you, or do your taxes. ;)

On a positive note, I actually look a little bit pregnant now instead of just fat. I'm not quite to the pregnancy jeans yet, but seem to be getting rounder towards the middle. The nausea is limiting itself to the late afternoons and evenings, which gives me some relief during the day. I'm excited and scared as hell to be a mother. Mostly because the first year will be just me on my own. David will deploy about a month after the baby is born. Nothing to be done about that. Another thing to feel guilty about. Not having the will power to just wait to get pregnant until "a better time".

Ok. well... I'm off in search of myself.